I want to pursue a degree in Computer Engineering or Mechanical Engineering - AIF reply

Waterloo AIF essay

Could anyone please take a look at my answer to the AIF question? Harsh criticize accept.
Question 1:
Reasons for choosing your program and Waterloo.
Please tell us about your educational goals, your interest in your chosen programs, and your reasons for applying to the University of Waterloo. If you have applied more than one program please discuss your interest in each program. (900)

I want to pursue a degree in Computer Engineering or Mechanical Engineering and I believe Waterloo will be the perfect place for me. I was inspired by the advanced technology in the movie, Iron Man, and Jarvis, in particular, impressed me the most. I was so curious about how the machines were built and how the programs were written to control them, and I believe the resources in Waterloo can support me to carry out researches regarding these. Waterloo is renowned for its excellence in innovation and I think my goal to specialize in the science and technology field can be achieved efficiently since innovation is one of the most important elements for engineering. Additionally, the co-op program would not only effectively improve both my academic knowledge and engineering skills, but also provide me a greater opportunity to work in big technology corporations.

@razor0424
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback helpful for your writing endeavors. If you do, please don't hesitate to come back for more.

The initial impression I gather from your writing is that it lacks structure. Focus more on adding more pauses and punctuation. By doing so, you are cutting down the unnecessary portions and simplifying your message. Take, for example, the first sentence. You could have sub-divided it into two instead of what you have now. Having a structured approach will help you in the long-run to write with ease.

Furthermore, try to be more specific when you are writing. For instance, tackle more in detail what specific portions of the program would assist you in being more innovative in your ventures. The more detailed your approach is, the better.

@Maria
Thanks a lot! I'll keep working on it. BTW, I don't know if it's unique enough to appeal to the professor as a whole.