Hello guys, I need help with this essay. I don't know if my theme is too exploited or cliche or boring and I would like your opinion. I am also open to any corrections you might found:
The road is long between the 45th street and the 127th, the place where I live. The one hour and 7 minutes trip through the worn-out lanes and old concrete buildings of Bogotá is a constant in my daily schedule. When I walk the three steps into the bus I still have to plan my robotics project for the next day, I still have homework to do, I still have to brace myself for swimming, but these banal affairs no longer matter in a trip into the pitfall.
As I push my way through the crowded path towards the exit, a smiling woman asks me for the hour. "It's 6:20"- I respond. A few minutes later, in the comfort of my house I will discover she had just stolen my wallet. This is a reality, an everyday issue, and I cannot ignore it. Many have built their own secluded castles in an attempt to live a dream. I cannot afford to do so; it would be incoherent with my principles.
People blame the politicians, the economy, the armed conflict, but in a society where these problems are everyone's, we all have to acknowledge responsibility. If I am to change the world I will have to start by changing myself first, only by being an example will I change those around me. This is why I pursue education. I believe it could be the answer, not by getting a good job and fleeing, but by using it to make things right.
Thank you guys for reading!
I really liked you essay. In the first paragraph you have very well described your surrounding, and daily schedule. However, I think you should consider removing "still", since you used it three times in the paragraph, and the last part in which you referred to your daily homework, swimming and school project "banal affairs". That simply doesn't fit in and presents you as someone who's bored with homework and swimming.
Your second paragraph furthers descibes your city, but at the same time it throws light on the problems that you face on daily basis. I liked that part. Then in the third paragraph you show how prfoundly you have been impacted by your sorrounding, however, I personally believe you should cut down a bit on writing about politicians etc and tell something about your family or school. Since school and family are an integral part of our lives, I believe that should be included in your essay. Good luck!
Thank you very much, I appreciate a lot your corrections. I will change banal, it clearly does not reflects what I was trying to say. On the other hand I believe its a great idea the part of the school for ythe third paragraph, but I don't know how to do it :S, the word limit is 250. Ary, again, thanks a lot!
I really liked you essay. In the first paragraph you have very well described your surrounding, and daily schedule. However, I think you should consider removing "still", since you used it three times in the paragraph, and the last part in which you referred to your daily homework, swimming and school project "banal affairs". That simply doesn't fit in and presents you as someone who's bored with homework and swimming.
Your second paragraph furthers describes your city, but at the same time it throws light on the problems that you face on daily basis. I liked that part. Then in the third paragraph you show how prfundly you have been impacted by your sorrunding, however, I personally believe you should cut down a bit on writing about politicians etc and tell something about your family or school. Since school and family are an integral part of our lives, I believe that should be included in your essay. Good luck!
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