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A. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System

Playerquadratic 2 / 2  
Dec 28, 2009   #1
I need help pulling this essay together. The intor and conclusion are not strong and need input on how to make them better. I think then that the rest of essay would come together if the intor and the conclusion were fixed. Any criticism is welcome. Thank you in advance for your comments.

P.S.- I am a bad writer

Colleges showcase the different perspectives that students bring from around the world. Ever since I could remember, I have always wanted to become an engineer because I enjoyed building objects that ranged from Legos to small desks with my father. My perspective of engineering had always been limited only building things and not think about who or for or perhaps if the construction of the object was necessary. Because of my interest in math and science, I have geared towards biomedical engineering as a possible career path. My perspective of the job of engineering has been formed from my background, school environment, and volunteer work at an assisting living facility and at and orthotic and prosthetic fabrication company.

My background has been very influential on the perspective I have on my future career. My parents are of Nigerian descent. I have learned from my culture the value of respect towards elders. In the Nigerian culture, the parents are not the only figures that take care of the child or give instruction to the child, but also those elders in the community have influence in the child's upbringing. My background has prepared me for the help and constructive instruction I will receive from college professors.

My high school, Rivermont Collegiate has also contributed to my perspective. I have gone to school with students of diverse race and culture. The culture has been evident with events like International Food Fest at my school. Different cultures come together and bring food and dances and makes this time a very enjoyable time. My time at Rivermont Collegiate has prepared me for college learning because of the diverse students that I have worked with in the classroom.

My volunteer experience at a local assisting living facility, CASI (Center for Active Seniors), exposed me to patients who needed attention from outsiders. The things I have done during my hours at the facility included preparing flyers for events, assisting patients at the computers, square dancing with the patients. My first feeling when I learned I had to square-dance for the patients was dislike. During the time I square danced, I realized that I was making them happy because I was doing something they enjoyed. I was now content that I was helping someone who needed my services. One of the lady patients thanked me for coming to participate in square dancing. I realized that relating with people and assuring happiness for patients were keys in whatever field one decides to pursue.

At Eastern Iowa Orthotics and Prosthetics, a local orthotics and prostheics firm, my time was spent helping in the fabrication of devices and materials for patients who had foot or leg problems. I also spent time cutting materials and forming cast molds for the technicians who needed to use them. Constructing materials and devices was vital during my time there because patients depended on the accuracy of these materials and devices. I watched as there were many challenges that the technicians were facing in constructing the material or device that the patient would need to ease pain and bring comfort to the patients ailing body or limbs.

Combining these lessons learned, my perspective on the field of engineering changed. My background, my school environment, and volunteer experience have contributed to my perspective on my future career. With these three aspects, I can actively contribute to my field of study while at the university. I now view engineering not only a profession in constructing materials or machinery, but a profession where the individual is out to better the lives of other individuals or society. I hope that when I complete my undergraduate and graduate work, I will be able to assist those who need the services rendered by biomedical engineers.

Victor Mbakwe
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
I think then that the rest of essay would come together if the intor and the conclusion were fixed.

That is an important observation! The into and conclusion frame the essay and provide its structure. Topic sentences are quite important in this way, too.

You might want to move this sentence fro the beginning of para #1 to the beginning of para #2: Colleges showcase the different perspectives that students bring from around the world.

It has nothing to do with the rest of paragraph one! Paragraph one is about how you came to this decision about what you want to do. Move that first sentence to the start of para #2, and then add a sentence to the end of paragraph one. that will make it so that the sentence where you list the topics of the essay will be in the middle of para #1, and you can END para #1 with a thesis statement that gives a THEME to go with the paragraph topics.

Get inspired, think of what that theme is, and add it to the end of paragraph one. It is a theme that involves your background, school environment, and volunteer work.

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