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Rice University is ranked for best quality of life and fifteenth for happiest students. I wonder why


Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
What motivates you to apply to Rice?

Rice University possesses many engaging research projects such as the project on creating a cancer killing nanoparticle that can be tracked by a MRI. For a biology fanatic like me, Stanford is a haven.

During my internship at Stanford University's Neurology Department, I was given the opportunity to conduct illuminating experiments, participate in a research on the neuromuscular disease Spinal Muscular Atrophy, and propose my own research investigation to my supervising professor. The grant marked the first time I have been involved in a scientific endeavor of this high a caliber and the excitement for discovery makes research opportunities invaluable to me. Rice's Undergraduate Scholars Program (RUSP), a one year research program, is a superb opportunity for me to continue my scientific endeavors and to learn from the faculties in the respective field.

Rice also has a goal that I share: to aid the those in need. Clubs like Partnership for the Advancement and Immersion of Refugees, PAIR, have similar goals to those of my organization SHINES. The opportunity for me to add value and to combine our efforts in lending a helping hand to those in need is an exciting possibility!

At Rice University, I will not only be learning from the renowned professors but also from talented peers. I would be honored to attend Rice University as a Class of 2014 student as both an intellectual sparkplug and a social community leader.

Please criticize thanks!
tchonis05 4 / 8  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
I think its a really good start! Saying Rice is the fifteenth best school for happiest students, it kind of makes it sound low on a list. I might leave that part out.

Also it seems that about half of the essay is about what you did at the STANFORD Neurology Department. I would just mention your interest in molecular biology and then explain how Rice would be the perfect school for you to study that and how no other university would be able to offer you what Rice can offer you.

Just a suggestion. hope it helps!
xtyxty 3 / 7  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
great essay, show your interest in bio field
more detail research opportunity in rice?
overall,it's not bad, but i dont think its outstanding as a single essay for Rice
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
If I remember correctly, the character limit for this essay is 3000 characters. You're only at 1316 characters right now- not even half! You probably want to write a little more, if possible.

"Rice University is ranked for best quality of life and fifteenth for happiest students. I wonder why."
Like Tyler mentioned above, 15th is good but not "great." Also, where did you get this information? You might want to cite it. Start by saying "According to (name of ranking source here), Rice University is [...]"

"People tell me all the time that it is easy to meet others and become involved with the school through school events and clubs."

"All the time"? Hyperbole isn't always a good thing. You could say "I have often heard that it is easy to meet others [...]" instead.

" In fact, I already found clubs that interest me such as the Biological Journal club and the IAESTE Association that coordinates internships for Rice students."

"Already found" should be "have already found". Also, insert a comma between "me" and "such": "[...] clubs that interest me, such as the [...]"

"I hope to bring over my organization and collaborate with PAIR since our goals are so similar! What an exciting possibility!"
I adore your enthusiasm, but keep in mind that in formal writing, exclamation points should be used only very sparingly, if at all. "What an exciting possibility!" probably deserves an exclamation point, but the sentence preceding it does not.

"Being a leading research university, Rice is a haven!"
"Being" should be "As". Once more, the exclamation point makes your writing look unnecessarily juvenile, which it certainly is not.

"The chances for me to receive an outstanding education and research opportunities as well as to experience the acclaimed school life motivates me to apply to Rice University."

This sentence seems totally redundant, like you're trying to sum up the rest of your essay- which is fine, but try to bring something fresh to your conclusion, too. Also, "motivates" should be "motivate" because "chances" is plural.
OP Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
Vulpix, you are correct that it's 3000 characters but the instruction also told me to limit the response to 200 words. This is my revised version and thanks for all the responses!

---According to Princeton Review, Rice University is ranked first for best quality of life. I wonder why.
Because of its small size, Rice has an excellent college system. I have often heard that it is easy to meet others and become involved with the school through school events and clubs. In fact, I have already found clubs that interest me, such as the Biological Journal club and the IAESTE Association that coordinates internships for Rice students. I hope to ...

SEE ABOVE

Please criticize!
Vulpix - / 71  
Dec 23, 2009   #6
Ah, you're right! I was thinking of the "Why this academic school/major" essay. My apologies.

"According to Princeton Review, Rice University is ranked first for best quality of life. I wonder why."
Sorry, but I'm still a little dubious about this. Quality of life isn't something you really talk about throughout the essay- and also, "I wonder why" needs to be followed by a question mark. It sounds a little sarcastic/passive-aggressive to me... I don't know, maybe that's just me.

"I hope to bring over my organization and collaborate with PAIR since our goals are so similar."
Maybe a Rice administrator would know better than me, but what do you mean by "my organization"? Is this a group that you're part of? Or are you talking about your organizational skills...? Also, what is PAIR?

"Perhaps these are the reasons why Rice is ranked first for best quality of life and the possibility for me to be nurtured at such a place is what motivates me to apply to Rice University."

Again, the "quality of life" tie-in feels rather weak, like an afterthought.
OP Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 23, 2009   #7
PAIR is another organization similar to my own. I'll be more specific on that in the essay.

Hmm, I'm not really sure what to use instead of quality of life since the clubs and opportunity all contribute to an overall "quality of life" at Rice.
PrettyBoyu 4 / 19  
Dec 26, 2009   #8
i think you should not talk about rankings in your essay
Sometimes colleges do not like people judge them by rankings..
Overall a great one!
Good Luck
OP Tictac8 4 / 18  
Dec 26, 2009   #9
The revised version is on the bottom and I got rid of the rankings. Please take a look at that one thanks!
Doug512 - / 2  
Dec 26, 2009   #10
"Because of its small size, Rice has an excellent college system."

I feel you could maybe add some more description and tell what's excellent about the college system


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