Hello all, this is my first essay revision request. If you read my work, please provide feedback regarding the essay's ideas and form. Thanks in advance!
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs,school,community,city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)
Mr. Lemei has been one of the biggest influences on the way I think and learn. He is my favorite teacher and one of the most kind, interesting people I have ever known.
Even the driest topics of AP Physics sprung to life as Mr. Lemei lectured about them. To be fair, I had maintained a strong interest in physics before enrolling in his course, but the theories and ideas he talked about fascinated me profoundly. Quantum mechanics stood out the most among the topics covered in class, so much as to spur me to study the field independently. As I continued gorging my head with knowledge, I would often visit Mr. Lemei and flood him with questions. What is the minimum observation required for a wave function to collapse? When do you think there will be a breakthrough in quantum computing? Can I get a job in quantum computing? Never falling back on his patience, Mr. Lemei answered all of my questions and was even so kind as to lend me two of his own books on quantum theory.
Reflecting on my experiences with Mr. Lemei, I now realize that he gave me much more than an excited curiosity about physics. I feel that the resources Mr. Lemei provided for me and his profound knowledge encouraged me to further my studies on the whole. He made me understand that, no matter what I study and college and whatever profession I end up in, I can transcend those limitations to knowledge by educating myself on anything.
Most kind kindest
You have not really written about him here. You said he influenced you, but then you went on to talk about your interest in physics as though it has little to do with him. Is the essay about him or about your interest in physics? I think you should condense this whole thing down to 2 sentences and then add material to really answer this prompt -- how has your world shaped your dreams?
You could be clever and talk about the subatomic world and how it influenced your dreams. that would be an interesting way to approach this essay. Give a thesis sentence at the start of the essay that tells succinctly what your answer to the question is -- as if you need to answer it in a single sentence. Then, write about how the subatomic world influenced you. then, include the teacher, and use that to transition into thoughts about your academic future. That is my suggestion.
