Prompt: We are interested in learning more about the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations, and accomplished your successes. Please describe how the most influential factors and challenges in your life have shaped you into the person you are today. (800-word limit)
Just wondering if there are any grammatical mistakes, if the essay flows well, and just anything overall that I can improve. Thank you.
my ability to focus
Eyes glued to worksheets and equations, I was always laser-focused despite the constant walking back and forth into my makeshift room by family members throughout the day. I could not simply close a door and shut all distractions away because that door did not exist.
Nevertheless, I did not mind. This circumstance only strengthened my ability to block out all noise and distractions with my mind alone, despite any environment-this ability came in handy. To many, the comfort of one's personal room is unparalleled compared to any other space. With closed doors and complete silence, the mind can easily roam free and focus on whatever requires attention after a strenuous day. Newly moved into an apartment in Newark, NJ, where I live now; this was challenging for 10-year-old me. Looking forward to the newfound freedom my mind would have in a room to myself, I quickly became perplexed when I realized that my room was actually an open space in my house only blocked off by a sheer white curtain-not to mention connected to my little brother's room. How was I supposed to concentrate with the world essentially looking in on me?
My mother grew up in Ecuador in a small town called La Troncal. She never finished her education and moved to Newark, NJ in the hope of accomplishing that dream for me. Although it is not the most well-off city, families of Hispanic backgrounds, including mine, have all formed a close-knitted community at its heart. I have lived in this same apartment for as long as I have had consciousness. Everyone on my street knows each other and both apartments next to mine are completely filled with family members. "Vengan vengan! Preparé carne asada afuera del patio, mi hija también preparó bocaditos!" My mother often shouts greetings of this nature, whenever she and I prepare food on hot summer days, while kids we know are glistening with sweat after playing tag or hide-and-seek for hours.
Despite the love I felt for my community in Newark, it became easy to overlook the charm the city bears due to the circumstance that is my room. Deafening shouts over unpaid electric bills and rent were all I heard relatively every night from my family. Echoes of these arguments lingered in my mind; it was never quiet. My mind has somehow grown a numbness to distracting noise over time; As a by-product, I can essentially complete any task despite what may be ensuing around me. Even if my environment is loud, my mind becomes a serene environment within itself (This is especially useful for my scheduled 10-minute naps at the Newark Library). When someone walks into my room in the morning, their eyes are usually immediately blinded by the sun pouring in from the three immense 36" x 60" windows, which take up an entire wall. This image is stark in contrast to what my room looks like once 6:00 pm hits and it becomes engulfed in darkness. As a result, I continually find myself racing against time to avoid squinting to clearly see letters and equations when I need to complete homework. Surprisingly, this became exhilarating for me because I began to realize that racing against time became easier and easier as I kept doing it. I had acquired invaluable time management skills.
With all of these skills in hand I found a comfort in becoming deeply involved with endeavors that I am very passionate about. Recently, I have adopted my time-management and concentration skills, fine-tuned by the obstacles of my makeshift room into my academic and intellectual interests. Although I do not physically have a door I can close, it did not mean I would prevent the doors of opportunity from opening. Now used to racing against the clock, I was able to lead my Science Olympics team to victory. I accomplished this by not only solving problems we had just seen with ease but also by clicking the bell at the speed of light to secure our answer. My ability to focus despite distractions also became useful when the opportunity opened to shadow an OB/GYN doctor at University Hospital during the summer before my senior year of high school. Despite the shouts from a patient I got to see in delivery, I could only find myself focusing on the precise techniques the team health care workers used to bring a baby to life.
No matter the task at hand, I have grown into the kind of person who sees it until the end.
I would not be the person I am today without the obstacles I have tackled. I am ever grateful for these obstacles, however, because it cultivated skills within me that opened doors to opportunities I never would have thought I would ever get to have.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691
There is no need to state the obvious at the end of the essay. Allow your paragraphs to speak for you in terms of character development through life experiences. Use a wrap up that does not just rephrase the writing instructions. Vie for an original thought that allows a little bit more of your unique personality to shine through, without repeating information from any source.
As for the portion that was written in Spanish, there is no need to remove it from the paragraph but, an English translation in parenthesis would help a reviewer who may not be fluent or has choppy knowledge of Spanish words. Never assume that the reviewer is fluent in Spanish. That is when misinterpretations can occur.
There are several other instances of improvement in this essay however, the free services will only allow me to go this far in reviewing this text.