Questbridge College Prep - your community; what would you change and why? 'Segregation'

SalomeA 1 / 3

Mar 24, 2014 #1

I need to know if I answered the question clearly: If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why?

Going into high school I began to notice how segregated my community was. Not only were students segregated in school, but parents were also segregated out of school. However, I am also guilty of this problem. I believe this is because in hopes of not being judged, many of my community members tend to associate with groups similar to themselves. I would create community service events within my neighborhood. Through community service, people will all share a common goal: making an impact in someone's life by helping them. This idea could bring a sense of unification into my community.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1170

Mar 24, 2014 #2

Hellooo Friend :D

many of my community members tend to associate with groups similar to themselves

In this part, you need to go for details. As your reader, I feel this part too vague.

I would create community service events within my neighborhood.

I think you can give different view on showing what the events are

making an impact in someone's life by helping them.

If you see the question, this is an important issue that you mention briefly, WHY ?
Remember that your purpose is to explain.
Hope this helps :D

andial 21 / 48

Mar 24, 2014 #3

SalomeA...

I completely agree with eddies' suggestions

I would create community service events within my neighborhood. Through community service, people will all share a common goal: making an impact in someone's life by helping them

you do not need to judge yourself.

If you could change one thing about your community, what would you change and why?

based on question above, in my view, you have to give some real examples regarding succesful story of your own. The more detail your story is, the more impressive the reader will be. The clear example will enable the reader to interpret what kind of person you are. Moreover, from your succesful story, the reader will think that you are to able to repeat the success once the opportunity arises.

OP SalomeA 1 / 3

Mar 25, 2014 #4

I need to know how I could possibly shorten this so I could end the paragraph smoothly, and if there's anything I should add/take out.Tell us about a significant experience, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (100 words)

Atlanta Public Schools was once convicted of a cheating scandal, which impacted me in high school. Also, my school has recently been convicted of illegally allowing out of zone students onto the football team. This dilemma negatively impacted me. I became frustrated at my school. Throughout my years at Grady I have made sure that I strive to achieve academic excellence. However, I was really being deprived of an education, and it seemed as if my learning capabilities didn't matter. I also became worried that colleges may look at my school and not want me to attend theirs'.

sandipsinh 37 / 88

Mar 25, 2014 #5

zone students onto the football team - isn't it should be into the football team.

sntinn 8 / 27

Mar 25, 2014 #6

Could you, please, give more explanation on whom you will send your essay to. I mean another school ?
In addition, does the mentor of this essay give you only 100 words ? I mean it is very brief.

The negative impact from bad reputation of my school mars my attitude toward learning. Atlanta Public Schools was once convicted of a cheating scandal, as well as it has recently been convicted of illegally allowing out of zone students onto the football team. Throughout my years at Grady, I have made sure that I strive to achieve academic excellence. However, it seemed that my learning capabilities would not matter. If colleges take the negative marks of my high school, I would not be accepted to be one of their students. (93)

I hope this will help.
Best wish,