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A Question - , an Egyptian - American woman/ College essay

noureiny 1 / -  
Dec 21, 2008   #1
Ok well this is my college essay , and I'm just wondering if it answers these two questions

How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the community?

is there anything more i can do to combine both topics together and make one essay ? Also any suggestions or feedbacks .. thanks

.... was my grandfather but what an understatement that is! He was more than a grandfather; he was a father, a friend and my inspiration. It has been difficult to surmount the physical loss I incurred when he passed away, but the valuable lessons he taught me endure with me today.

I grew up in Alexandria, Egypt where my mother and maternal grandparents raised me, while my dad was in America making a better living for us. Despite being an underprivileged family, I enjoyed happiness I have never felt again. I was a joyful child with a loving mother and a grandfather who readily and willingly took on a father's role. I remember how I would spend the whole day with him, going to the park to play soccer, and the unforgettable camel rides in the pyramids. My grandfather's love and respect for nature was laudable because he was a product of a society where preservation of the environment was not a priority. He taught me of the negative impact pollution had on the environment and how I can counteract its effects by being conscientious and cleaning up my immediate surroundings. His passion for music inspired him to become a self-taught professional trumpet player and he performed in jazz groups throughout Egypt and the Middle East.

The vast amplitude of my grandfather's knowledge, despite his limited educational background, fascinated me. He taught me everything about the trumpet, how to play it and understand it. We would sit for hours every day playing together, and he assured me I was musically gifted. My life seemed perfect until it reached a climatic point when I learned that we were moving to America to be reunited with my father. Immediately my thoughts turned to my grandfather and I cringed at the image of parting from his side.

Adjusting to life in America was challenging. Everything appeared new and strange in my eyes.I would frequently call my grandfather and confide to him about my problems. He would comfort me and helped me develop a loving relationship with my father. When I was 12 years old, we went to Egypt for a summer vacation. I was ecstatic to see my grandfather again. He was effervescent with joy when I told him I was playing the trumpet because this was his legacy to me.

An unforgettable moment in my life was when I was 15 years old, and I learned my grandfather had brain cancer. I was depressed and I constantly cried. My mother and I traveled to Egypt to be my grandmother's support system. Entering the place I had once called home had a chilling effect. It was as if all the happiness that once filled it had vanished. I will never forget the first sight I caught of my grandfather. The old bald-headed man sitting on the couch unable to recognize me was the farthest image from the man I had seen only a year ago. He barely spoke, and when he did, it was incomprehensible mutterings. I spend the whole summer taking care of him, and accompanying him to his chemotherapy treatments. I felt defeated by society and the system in Egypt because I knew if he had been here in America, he would have received far more superior treatments provided by the advance technology in America.

As the illness progressed, the cancer was winning the battle and the doctors relinquished the fight. I witnessed my grandfather's steady decay and watched him lose all his motor functions. It was painful to succumb to the grim reality of losing him with the passing of each day. Until one day in his room, while feeding him, he looked at me and let out his last breath. In a blink of an eye he was gone. I couldn't move, not even cry. I just sat there, immobilized and stunned, thinking it was a dream, because everything happened so fast and I couldn't believe that he was gone.

Adapting to his loss was unbearable but I learned to find comfort in the legacy he left behind his wise teachings. I always remember his advice to never give up and persevere despite the challenges and obstacles placed on my path. My grandfather has been an inspiration and driving force in the creation of my personal goal. I want to contribute to the development of medical health care and its availability to underprivileged people. My experiences with my grandfather have opened up my mind and have allowed for clarity in my vision of a better future. I strive for more than a college education and an opportunity to pursue a medical career. I want to equip myself with the proper tools to enable the realization of my life long dream and make a difference in the world.

I am Nourhan Elgazzar, an Egyptian - American woman, with a strong desire to pursue a career in the medical field. My past personal experiences have shaped me into a determined individual seeking to fulfill a particular professional goal. As a medical professional I aspire to contribute to the development and expansion of medical health care in third world countries.UCF can help me accomplish my ambitious goal. The campus life at UCF integrates the academic and social aspects of a college experience, an outstanding combination for a young adult aspiring to reach new heights. I'm determined to succeed in life and I hope that UCF is an integral part of my success.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Dec 22, 2008   #2
I would strongly advise cutting the first two paragraphs. For some reason, they have an undeniably soporific effect, though I can't really pinpoint why. I think it is just that the subject matter in general isn't that interesting to someone who didn't actually know your grandfather. The rest of the essay is really strong, though.

Oh, and a grammatical note: "Despite being an underprivileged family, I enjoyed happiness I have never felt again" -- Avoid misplaced modifiers. You, by yourself, are not a family, underprivileged or otherwise.

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