I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy - Penn State Personal Statement

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Being the son of a businessman and the brother of a girl with a major in international business, my fascination with science was unique to my family. My teacher in primary school would always show the class various videos about the different fields of science. I learnt about the polar properties of water and how atoms make up everything around us when I was in grade six. Math was always my favorite subject, it was the only thing that I was good at in primary, and my love for the subject grew with time.

I always questioned everything, I am a very curious boy, but sometimes my curiosity would reveal things that hurt, hence they say "curiosity killed the cat." It's true, one's curiosity can get the better of oneself and this can have disastrous consequences. I know this personally, but the most important thing is to learn and move on.

[...]

I rewrote the majority of my essay as you said, and I also decided to add to that first paragraph. Here's the revised version

Harsh, there is just something missing in the essay. I believe it is because we are not talking about an activity that could prove your ability to succeed at Penn State. Yes, we are talking about how your family initially tried to lure you away from science but there needs to be something more to the essay than that. We need an activity or experience that stems from your personal life that can prove your ability to shine as a Penn State student.

I am thinking along the lines of a scientific experiment or theory that you may have encountered in the past that you had to work on to prove alone or with a team of people. Upon deeper review of the essay prompt, I believe that it is asking you something deeper than we thought. It is asking you to prove that you can be a team player and an individual player whenever necessary. The choice of whether to portray yourself as a team member, leader, or individualist is yours to make.

The essay needs to present yourself in a strong light. A person who has the ability to work and succeed with minimal to no supervision. Someone who can accomplish tasks in life regardless of the obstacles before him. We need the story that proves this strength of character in you. Present your greatest achievement, it could be science related or not. All we need is to show your ability to succeed in any undertaking you put your mind to. It sounds to me like you have done a number of science experiments at the high school level that impressed your teachers. Perhaps you could borrow from one of those tasks?

Sorry about having to ask you to revise the whole essay. This is how developing an app essay works. We could go through a number of versions before we finally settle on the one that totally fits the demands of the prompt. I am asking you to be patient. We will all work with you for as long as it takes to help you develop the best essay for your prompt :-)

I've changed the format a little bit and added two paragraphs to it, here's what I have;

Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

Being the son of a businessman and the brother of a girl with a major in international business, my fascination with science was unique to my family. My teacher in primary school would always show the class various videos about the different fields of science. I learnt about the polar properties of water and how atoms make up everything around us when I was in grade six.

Being the odd one out in my family, I was always asked "Harsh, you're doing well in your business related subjects, why not try and pursue accounts or business as a career?" I always refused. I never wanted a boring desk job that anyone could do. I wanted something different, something unique, something not everyone in this world could do. I always wanted to be different, a shining star in a sky full of black.

My interest in science has always been great from the start, and it has never ceased to amaze me in every way possible. I tend to pursue everything that I love and will not stop until I attain it fully.

I think that one of my most favorite task that I have undertaken is the school's World Water Day challenge. My friends and I created a team to tackle this year's theme, "Water and Energy". I thought the best way to do this was to write up a paper explaining how hydroelectric power works, but one of my friends decided to take this a step further and said we should include a mini model as well. Of course I was disappointed that my idea was shut off and pushed aside, but I realized that we all have to make sacrifices in a team. My friend's idea was good, but we had no idea where to begin, so after a little bit of internet research and some physics knowledge, we decided to create a water turbine that used electromagnetic induction to create electricity. The turbine was connected to a magnet surrounded by coils, and when the turbine spun, so did the magnet. This would cause the magnetic field lines to cut the coils of wires and induce a current. On submission of the model, we found that it produced 0.2V. It was a major breakthrough and we ended up winning the competition.

It was a tough task, but in the end, out persistence and hard work had paid off as we emerged victorious, even though we only competed against two other people, it was victory nonetheless. We worked as a team, put our brains together, and created this turbine showing how water can be used to generate electricity. We put our minds to it and succeeded in what seemed almost impossible at the time.

I already see a little bit of a problem, my transition from my family to my project is pretty rusty. I still don't know how to fix that, maybe you could help? But I think this shows my ability to work in a team with my friends and that I have the maturity to make sacrifices for the better of the team.

What do you think? Better than the original or not?

Your family side is okay.. [color=blue] a shining star in a sky full of black[/color] I can't figure out any rusty transition from the paragraph I extracted.

Instead --> and I will not stop until i attain it fully. Why not [color=blue]'' and I don't stop until I attain it[/color]

I see a way that we can solve the transition problem at the beginning of your essay. We need to totally eliminate the first paragraph;


We should delete that portion and immediately jump to:


By doing that, we manage to introduce the fact that you come from a business oriented family and offer the information that you do not share the same interests with the rest of your family members at the same time. I feel that doing so immediately makes the essay align with the prompt and offers a smoother transition within the paper.

- While my family was not supportive of my plans to enter the field of science at the start, they eventually came around to supporting me when I won a major scientific competition at my school along with my friends. We had teamed up for the World Water Day Challenge where we pooled our ideas and resources together in order to create a winning project. While I suggested that we write a paper explaining how Hydroelectric Power works, a team member suggested that we go a step further and build a mini model depicting the power we were explaining in order to help visualize our explanation. While I was disappointed that my idea was merged with my friend's idea, I knew that it was a sacrifice that I had to make for the team. Eventually, my research paper idea was totally set aside in lieu of a mini model project. I was totally disheartened at this point but I decided to set my pride aside and work with the team because the idea of the mini model would only work if we all dedicated ourselves to making it the best model that we could. Our water turbine that used electromagnetic induction to create electricity won the competition because we were able to produce 0.2v of electricity, a major breakthrough in terms of mini models at the time of the competition. While it seemed an almost impossible task at first, we were able to work together as a team in order to create the platform that would lead to our victory. My family recognized my potential in the field after that and no longer tried to dissuade me from entering the scientific field anymore.

Try out my suggested format for your accomplishment above. See if it works for you. If it does, try to develop a strong concluding statement to support it. I'll help you clean it up :-)

"I learnt about the polar properties of water and how atoms make up everything around us when I was in grade six."
It may just be my bias but saying "sixth grade" sounds better versus "grade six"

Thanks for the feedback guys!!
I came up with a conclusion for my essay. I didn't know what to put in, so I pretty much just said why I like science...

Science has always intrigued me, it's one of those things where there is always more to discover, more to learn about and more to teach! It answers our "why" questions, "why is the sky blue?", "why do balls fall down?" It provides logic and sense and order to what might otherwise seem chaotic, making the complex things in life simple to understand. The experimental outcomes that seem like they're pulled right out of fiction books never cease to amaze me. Science, in my opinion, is simply beautiful.

Hp, why are you talking about loving science at the conclusion of your essay when what you should be doing is reinforcing your statement about the kind of success that you will be as a student at Penn State? Your conclusion should be taking on the same format as a regular essay which is Introduction, Body, Conclusion. So rather than simply saying that you love science, you should be stating that you know the kind of demanding schedule that a student at Penn State has, you are ready to take on the challenges that the community and the university will be throwing your way, life challenges have brought you to a place in life where you can adjust to any given setting, and you are looking forward to becoming another successful graduate of Penn State in the future.

While we know that you would not be enrolling in this particular major if you did not love science, that is not being asked in the prompt and therefore has no place in the body or conclusion of the essay. Never deviate from the prompt you were provided. Stick to it and you will have a strong essay. Deviate and you will weaken your essay considerably as it will show that you do not fully understand the English language and will make the officer think seriously about your future as a student at the school.

I see what you mean there when you said I'm deviating off topic...I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier.

But I did revise my last paragraph, okay maybe I did take a few of your ideas (hehe) but it's something
Have a look:

At Penn State, I think I will be a successful student because all the challenges that have been thrown my way thus far have allowed me to adapt to given situation. The demanding schedule present at Penn State will require time on my part, but I am willing to work hard and take on the hurdles in my way to become another one of Penn State's successful graduates.

I think it's certainly better than the original and the other one I posted up yesterday...what do you think? (By the way, I only have about 100 words without this conclusion until I reach the 500 word limit)

- hp, let's see if I can help you polish this. The sentiment is good and feel free to take any of my ideas to use for your paper anytime :-)

Owing to all of the of the challenges that I have faced in my life in order to get to this point, I feel that I am well prepared for the academic and social challenges that Penn State will throw my way. I know what it is like to have to overcome opposition to my plans, I am even more familiar with the benefits of working with a team. I am looking forward to my academic success under the tutelage of the excellent mentors available to the students of the university. I am even more excited about the opportunity to widen my horizons as a person as I mingle and learn about varying cultures as represented within the student community. All of my previous experiences have prepared me for this moment in my life. I know that the perfect combination of my past, present, and future experiences will translate into my successful academic career at Penn State.

Does this work for you?

Omg vengiespan, you're amazing :)
Thank you so so much for ALL of your wonderful help