Hello! I was hoping someone could critique my application essay for the University of Florida and possibly Common Apps free easy choice.
The topic for the essay is: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
Here is my essay-
At the end of my freshman year in high school, I made a decision that changed the course of my life. After seven years, I decided to quit playing soccer. "Quitting" is connoted to be a sign of weakness and failure, and I did feel ashamed, guilty, and defeated. But, I also felt relieved. Soccer had always been the reins on my galloping desire to be a flawless student; therefore, I was comforted when I reminded myself that my reasons justified the action of quitting. However, what if I wasn't the student I thought I could be? I was flowing with a current of self-doubt, riding the waves of optimism, hoping to arrive on a shore of success.
Moments after I left the soccer field for the last time, my life was no longer a stressful burden. With a vacant schedule and an eager mind, I discovered a new class and interest where I would gain experience: debate. After playing soccer for so long, the idea of starting something new from the beginning seemed foreign and frightening. I was out of my comfort zone. Other students deemed me "irresponsible" for being a sophomore in a novice class, which only augmented the pressure I put on myself to excel. I needed to prove that their spurious judgments were wrong. At first, gesturing properly and enunciating seemed like the key to success; however, while speaking in front of a room full of people, I was alone with no defenders or forwards to depend on. My knowledge, intelligence, and confidence were all I had. I managed to break through the stereotype of a sophomore novice as I consistently pushed to be better and climbed to the top of novice orators. Without realizing it, I had excelled more than what I had anticipated... and along the way, I had also become the student I had strived for.
Quitting soccer was not an ending, but a new beginning. I have learned that with time come new ambitions. These ambitions define who I was, am, and will be. Three years ago, my goal was graduating at the top of my class. Today, my goal is becoming a top student at UF.
Thank You!!
Emily
Hello Emily!
First of all, I've got to say that I really enjoyed your essay. Your theme is very clear, and I think a lot of people, including me, can connect with it. All of us have given up something to be good at some other thing.
however, while speaking in front of a room full of people, I was alone with no defenders or forwards to depend on.
I loved this part.
Anyway, here are a couple of points you should consider.
was comforted when I reminded myself that my reasons justified the
action of quitting -- "Action" may be correct, but I think "act" sounds nicer. What do you think?
Did you fully address the prompt? Where is part where you are supposed to reflect on how your experience will affect your college life?
I also think your concluding sentence is weak. Can you think of something original?
Good luck!
Thank you so much! Its big confidence boost to hear such positive feed back!
I do like the change to act rather than action. I put in red what i changed.
At the end of my freshman year in high school, I made a decision that changed the course of my life. After seven years, I decided to quit playing soccer. "Quitting" is connoted to be a sign of weakness and failure, and I did feel ashamed, guilty, and defeated. But, I also felt relieved. Soccer had always been the reins on my galloping desire to be a flawless student; therefore, I was comforted when I reminded myself that my reasons justified the act of quitting. However, what if I wasn't the student I thought I could be? I was flowing with a current of self-doubt, riding the waves of optimism, hoping to arrive on a shore of success.
Moments after I left the soccer field for the last time, my life was no longer a stressful burden. With a vacant schedule and an eager mind, I discovered a new class and interest where I would gain experience: debate. After playing soccer for so long, the idea of starting something new from the beginning seemed foreign and frightening. I was out of my comfort zone. Other students deemed me "irresponsible" for being a sophomore in a novice class, which only augmented the pressure I put on myself to excel. I needed to prove that their spurious judgments were wrong. At first, gesturing properly and enunciating seemed like the key to success; however, while speaking in front of a room full of people, I was alone with no defenders or forwards to depend on. My knowledge, intelligence, and confidence were all I had. I managed to break through the stereotype of a sophomore novice as I consistently pushed to be better and climbed to the top of novice orators. Without realizing it, I had excelled more than what I had anticipated... and along the way, I had also become the student I had strived for.
Quitting soccer was not an ending, but a new beginning. I have learned that with time come new ambitions. These ambitions define who I was, am, and will be.(I thought that sentence answered the question on how it will affect my college life. It made me realize that striving for new things and changes aren't something to be afraid of).Three years ago, the seashore was graduating at the top of my class. Today, the seashore is college.
That last sentence was how i wrote it originally, but a friend told me that "this wasn't a poem" and i needed to be more direct... What do you think?
This is the second college application essay i wrote because i don't feel totally confident with my other one. I really want to know which essay i should use for Common App... Would you be willing to read that one too?
Here it is:
Recently I sat outside and noticed tiny bees flitting from one flower to the next , giving each essential nourishment that allowed it to thrive and prosper.
That day I realized that, just like a bee, I am also a nurturing source of strength and comfort. This role has always been a part of who I am. My sensitivity, dedication, and confidence have encouraged people to confide in me and have allowed me to help others in need.
On New Year's Eve in 2001, I buzzed from flower to flower in my household, but one was missing. I knew when my sister said she was going for a walk in the neighborhood earlier in the evening, she wasn't coming back. While most seven-year-olds were dancing around their television counting down to the New Year, I forgot that the night was a celebration. As fireworks exploded, all I saw was the uneasiness in my brother. When my mother set out hors d'oeuvres, I knew that the superficial smile she wore was painfully hiding an inner conflict between anger and regret. When my father excused himself, I knew he was protecting us from witnessing his fear. Tortured by these unspoken feelings, my helplessness made me determined to figure out a way to help in the future.
In September 2006, a flower was dying. A friend was compressed between her epileptic mother and her own thin petals of self-confidence. Her insides were rigid with the incapability of expressing her difficult feelings. When she came into class with hidden wrists, I knew her concealed emotions had clouded her judgment. I had her reveal her wrists, engraved by the punctuation marks of the emotional pain she felt on the inside. She needed help, a receptive heart, a dependable friend. That person was me. I pointed out her strengths and made her feel secure and loved. I then encouraged her to confess her pain to her parents, who took her under their wings and allowed her to reblossom.
On May 2009, a flower was shriveling as the liquid within it was absorbed with strive. After breaking up with his girlfriend of four years, my brother's future was suddenly blank. Refusing to admit his sorrow, he hid his feelings. Socially unfit, he developed anxiety. My big brother confided in me, calling me at every climax of his paranoia, confident that I would listen and guide him to reality. After every call, I then flitted over to a delicate flower, my Mother, whose petals were limp with concern. Together, we were able to help my brother overcome his sorrow and move on with his life.
I am someone who can be depended on to listen, care, and overcome obstacles and challenges. I want to continue nourishing, comforting, and helping others by becoming a doctor. I crave the honor and privilege of being a vital, healing source in a person's life. I am and will forever be the bee in my garden of flowers.
I have learned that with time come new ambitions. These ambitions define who I was, am, and will be. (I thought that sentence answered the question on how it will affect my college life. It made me realize that striving for new things and changes aren't something to be afraid of)
That's fine, but it's not enough. What's the word limit? If you have some space then elaborate a bit.
but a friend told me that "this wasn't a poem" and i needed to be more direct... What do you think?
I think I agree with your friend. Too many metaphors can be annoying.
But I didn't mean that when I said "something original". I meant, can you give a unique vision of your future? By future, I mean your life at UF. Actually, this part should be an extension of the "reflection" part (At least, I think so).
Would you be willing to read that one too?
I'd love to, but not now. I'm waist deep with my grad school app essays. I just come here whenever I'm out of ideas or too bored.
Anyway, maybe I'll read the other one tomorrow :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to help out. I hope i can do the same one day.
I changed the ending using your advice.
Quitting soccer was not an ending, but a new beginning. I have learned that with time come new ambitions. These ambitions define who I was, am, and will be. The challenge I faced has only made me stronger. In the future, facing new obstacles will be familiar and knowing the rewarding outcome will give me the energy to surpass them. Three years ago, my goal was graduating at the top of my class. Today, my goal is becoming a top student at UF. Being surrounded by a campus rich with academic variety is an ambience I crave to be a part of. Doubting myself has flowed past me as I ride the waves of self-confidence, knowing I will arrive to a shore of success.
What do you think?
Thanks again!!! :)
You're welcome!
Okay, that's better. Nice last sentence.
Essay#2
Remember to create a new thread every time you post a new essay. Just post the edited ones in the same thread.What's the prompt? Is it the same?
around their
televisions -- plural
what happened to your sister?
I had her reveal her wrists, engraved by the punctuation marks of the emotional pain she felt on the inside.
Here I got lost a bit.
Emily, I don't have any problem with your style of writing. It's always better to stick with your own style. That way you sound original and unpretentious.
Just make sure that whatever you are writing is easily understandable. I recently read two essays which were very unconventional, but they got the message through clearly.
One was written, in Kevin's words, "like a palindrome". It started and ended with the same idea.
The other one didn't have any conventional paragraphs.
So think about these things :)
But, I also felt relieved. Soccer had always been the reins on my galloping desire to be a flawless student;
Nice sentence!!
had also become the student I had striven to be.
On New Year's Eve in 2001, I buzzed from flower to flower in my household, but one was missing. --- awesome... here is another good sentence..
On May 2009, a flower was shriveling as the liquid within it was absorbed with strive. --- I don't understand this use of "strive."
I don't understand the paragraph about 2001.
You write very well, obviously, but I think you should spend more time talking about your philosophy of medicine, your plans for the time you spend in college preparing for med school, and the medical specialization you have in mind (even if it might change).
