This is my rough draft, so comments/feedback would be great. Thanks!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I've spent a great majority of my life in the small city of Milpitas. The city itself is somewhat of a suburb for bigger cities around it (such as San Jose), with many of its inhabitants commuting out of the city for work. Being within Silicon Valley, there are many great technology-based companies nearby. Milpitas is also a sort of passerby city, with a lot of Silicon Valley tourists passing through daily. Besides the commuter traffic, Milpitas is a very quiet and peaceful city to live in. The people that live in Milpitas range from the lower middle class, to the upper class in some areas.
I was raised solely by my mother, and in a lot of ways we took care of each other. We've lived with my grandparents for as long as we've lived in Milpitas. While my mother seemed to take care of everybody in the house, I took care of her. I never really had a childhood, or at least not for that long. I matured at a very young age. As an only child, I didn't really have anyone my own age to bond with and was always surrounded by adults. I was also in this slight fear of unforeseen poverty. My family has always been in the lower middle class and we've just barely made it by for as long as I can remember. I learned the value of money far before anyone else I know did. I could practically get whatever I wanted when I was a kid. As soon as I entered school though, I had to earn everything. I had to bring in good grades and test scores if I wanted something.
As bad as it may sound, all of these experiences affected me in a positive way in the end. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I have gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting all of these people makes me want to explore the world that is outside of this city. I believe that the lifestyle, and the values that I have had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I know that life isn't a walk in a park, and hard work is needed to be successful. If there is one thing I am thankful for, it is the fact that my mother rarely tried to fabricate our lifestyle. She chose to be truthful with me, which is the least I could have asked from her. My family and my community have greatly shaped me and my dreams. No one in my immediate family has gone to a four-year college, and I will be the first.
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This is just my first draft, so I will probably change it, but I don't really know what to change. It seems alright with me but I also feel uncomfortable since it's a first draft. Thanks for reading!!
The largest problem that i can see with the essay is simply originality. If you look from the perspective of the admissions, they get thousands of essays just like this that all talk about how their families shaped their world. Not that this is a bad idea, just simply try to be as creative with it and original as possible. Also remember that the term "world" doesn't just fit with their examples in the prompt. A persons world and environment can be hobbies or abstract concepts like, idk words or something. The most important thing would be just to make it interesting. No reader wants to read another essay about immigration or how they grew up with their family. What makes it interesting would be blending your personality into the statement. Overall, not a bad essay but try playing with the word structure and maybe bringing in a theme that you can build around. I would just ask an English teacher with this part and see how you can make your idea more personal and original. Good luck! :)
I thought it was nicely written and you fulfill the prompt well but I think you need to add more to what your dreams and aspirations are. It did give me a good picture of how the community and your family shaped you as a person though. But it seemed like the prompt is also interested in what and who you aspire to be so be sure to add in more of those details.
Thank you for your feedback, it helped a lot. I also did have my English teacher and my counselor go over it, and plan for both of them to go over my revision as well. It's a little different now, a little bit more personal, and not so "over the place". Thanks again for the feedback, and it would be great to have feedback for this one as well.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
No one in my immediate family has gone to a four-year college, and I will be the first. They all chose to go straight into work right after high school, with none of them truly achieving success. Through both my family, and my community, I've decided that I will further my education before entering a career field.
My father passed away when I was two, so I took the role of taking care of my mother. We've lived with my grandparents for as long as we've lived in Milpitas. Milpitas is located within the Silicon Valley, so there is a lot of commuting in and out of the city. However, even with the many great opportunities for a job, my mother decided to be the one responsible of taking care of everybody in the house. She doesn't have a job, and we have lived off of social security this entire time. As an only child, I didn't really have anyone my own age to bond with and was always surrounded by adults. I matured at a very young age, and consequently never really had a childhood. I also had this slight fear of unforeseen poverty. My family has always been in the lower middle class and we've just barely survived financially for as long as I can remember. I learned the value of money far before anyone else I know did. As soon as I entered school, I had to earn everything. I had to bring in good grades and test scores if I wanted something. Even now, between all of my friends I'm the only one who knows how much his phone bill is.
Although being inside my house has always been a constant reminder of hardships, being outside makes me happy. I enjoy the community that I live in. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting all of these people has just further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle, and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I know that life isn't a walk in a park, and hard work is needed to be successful. If there is one thing I am thankful for, it is the fact that my mother rarely tried to hide the hardships in our lifestyle. She chose to be truthful with me, which is the least I could have asked from her. Therefore, I'll make my family proud by going to a four-year college, furthering my education, and achieving success.
!!! Well my English teacher went over my revision, and slightly cleaned up the wording of it. I myself am not 100% sure which is better now. so please please PLEASE give me feedback, It would really help me out. Thanks!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
No one in my immediate family has gone to a four-year college; I will be the first. They all chose to go straight into work right after high school, with none of them truly achieving success. After input from both my family and my community, I've decided that I will further my education before entering a career field.
My father passed away when I was two, so I took on the role of taking care of and providing emotional support for my mother. We've lived with my grandparents for as long as we've lived in Milpitas, California. Milpitas is located within the Silicon Valley, so there is a lot of commuting in and out of the city. However, even with the many great job opportunities, my mother decided to be the one responsible for taking care of everybody in the house. She doesn't have a job, and we have lived off of social security during my entire childhood. As an only child, I didn't really have anyone my own age to bond with and was always surrounded by adults. I matured at a very young age, and consequently never really had a childhood. I also lived with a slight fear of unforeseen poverty. My family has always been in the lower middle class, and we've just barely survived financially for as long as I can remember. I learned the value of money long before any of my peers did. As soon as I entered school, I had to earn everything. I had to bring in good grades and test scores if I wanted something. Even now, among all of my friends, I'm the only one who knows how much his phone bill is.
Although being inside my house has always been a constant reminder of hardships, being outside makes me happy. I enjoy the community that I live in. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting all of these people has further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I know that life isn't a walk in a park, and hard work is needed to be successful. If there is one thing I am thankful for, it is the fact that my mother rarely tried to hide the hardships in our lifestyle. She chose to be truthful with me. Therefore, I'll make my family proud by going to a four-year college, furthering my education, and achieving success.
You've really improved it and I'm not just saying that because you helped me revise my essay haha. It was a touching essay and I got a good idea of who you are and where you come from. I have a sense that the second revision you posted is better than the first one because the rewording is a bit better and it gets to the idea better. Although I think you'd need to revise the last paragraph, for example,
Although being inside my house has always been a constant reminder of hardships, being outside makes me happy. I enjoy the community that I live in. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting all of these people has further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I know that life isn't a walk in a park, and hard work is needed to be successful.
I would change it like:
Since living in my home has always been a reminder of the hardships I went through, I enjoy being outside in my community. Living in Milpitas has allowed me to meet people with different ethnic backgrounds and social classes. I've gained friends that I never could have met anywhere else. Meeting these people has further motivated me to venture out of this city and explore the unknown. I believe that the lifestyle and the values that I've had since I was a child have greatly prepared me for my future. I've learned that life isn't a walk in a park and hard work is needed to be successful.
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Of course,this is just my opinion and if you don't agree with me, you shouldn't revise it as I did. I hoped I helped!!
Overall, good job on the prompt and good luck with the apps!!
Actually, those are some really good suggestions. Thanks!
You've definitely helped out with my essay. I hope I've helped with your essay as well :)
Good luck to both of us on these crazy apps haha