"Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken"

High school is a time in which adolescents have wide ranging emotions due to their raging hormones. It is the time of our lives when we are not scared of anything-we challenge the authorities, rebel against our parents, break the laws. But high school is also the time where we learn how to face reality and responsibilities. It is the time and place for us, teenagers, to make mistakes and learn from it.

In the beginning of my sophomore year, I met someone. Every time I saw him my hands would start sweating, my heart starts thumping. I did not know how my parents would react so I hid it from them. Eventually, they found out about it. It was the first time that my parents and I had a big fight. I remember waking up at night, hearing my parents argue about what they would do about me and my situation without hurting me. I was furious because I thought they were trying to control my life. I thought I was "in love," so I fought for it. My parents saw that no matter what their decision is, someone will get hurt so they eventually went my way. They let me make my own mistakes so I can learn from it. In the end, I ended up getting hurt. He was not the person I thought I wanted to be with. My parents never told me, "I told you so." And it was one of those times where I wished I listened.

After this experience, I valued my parents more. They simply just want what is best for me. It is hard for them to see me get hurt but sometimes they have to just stand there and let me make my own mistakes so I can learn on my own. This experience did not necessarily make me proud but the things that I got out of it did. I learned how to listen, a certain quality that, I think, not a lot of people have. There is a big difference between listening and hearing. Sure, most of us can hear sounds but it does not necessarily means we listen to it. Hearing is a physical ability to sense sounds while listening is a skill that processes the sounds that we hear. Listening leads to learning and I believe it is an essential quality that every students should have.

it is incomplete...help me with the conclusion pleasee..my grammar is also very poor because English is my second language. I would be happy to return the favor(:

I think that you have to include how this experience with your parents has prepared you for the challenges that you are going to have to face in college. Colleges really don't want to hear sad stories but they want to know why you would make their college better and you can say that you learn from your mistakes.

it was not meant to be a sad story =[ In the conclusion, I was gonna try to tie it back to the question but I don't know how. Any ideas? pretty please =[

"Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken"

"High school meant teenagers with their hormones raging."
This sentence needs a little reworking, it is not grammatically correct. Maybe "High school was a time in which adolescents had wide ranging emotions due to their raging hormones" or something like that.

It is the time of our lives when we are not scared of anything-we challenge the authorities, rebel against our parents, break the laws. But high school is also the time where we learned how to face reality and responsibilities. It is the time and place for us, teenagers, to make mistakes and learn from it.

Here you switch back to present tense from the past tense you used before.

It was one of those "butterflies in my stomach, hands starts sweating and heart starts beating fast and hard" feeling every time I see him.

Doesn't make sense, "Every time i saw him my hands would start sweating and my heart would start thumping" something like that makes more sense.

I did not know how my parents would react so I hid it from them.
specify what they would be reacting to and why it was so bad for them

so I fought for it.

How did you fight for it??

My parents saw that no matter what their decision was , someone would get hurt, so they eventually gave in.

They let me make my own mistakes so I can learn from it .
Make that past tense.

In the end, I ended up getting hurt. He was not the person I thought I wanted to be with. My parents never told me, "I told you so." And it was one of those times where I wished I listened.

After this experience, I valued my parents more. They simply just want what is best for us.

make that past tense

This essay is supposed to be about you, not your parents so you would realy have to show how this experience as the prompt says "make you proud or relate to the person you are" thats what you have to put in your conclusion.

This is a fine essay but you have a lot about your parents and you have to tie this back to the topic.

Remember the rest of the question: What about this accomplishment makes you proud? So far what you've written makes it sound like something you're NOT proud of. You have to show that it's not only an important situation but also an experience that you can be proud of --- somehow.

Use the rest of the essay to show this and also how it relates to the person you are. Take out some of the stuff about your parents because it's kind of irrelevant when you think about the purpose of the essay.

It was one of those "butterflies in my stomach, hands starts sweating and heart starts beating fast and hard" feeling every time I see him. About this, the phrase in quotations is hard to understand and you don't want to confuse the admissions counselor. Reword it more concisely.

Also make this essay something that shows the admissions counselor that you're prepared for college and the challenges that it entails. Writing only about how your parents brought you back to your senses does not show this at all. Again, remember the purpose of the essay -- and the assignment.

Good luck! What you have so far is awesome, it just needs to be changed around a little and added to, and so on.

i revised it! please tell me what you guys think! AND i would return the favor...

Every time I saw him my hands would start sweating, my heart starts thumping.

Put "my heart would start thumping". Parallelism error.
This experience did not necessarily make me proud but the things that I got out of it did.
Don't put this! Put, "what I got out of this experience has made me proud." you don't want the admissions person to think that you didn't answer the question and wrote an off topic essay!

I don't want to be harsh but if you don't want to be denied to the UCs you can't include this. I don't care what anyone's opinion is, any human being can listen. This doesn't set you apart at all from the flock. They'll deny you just for this. Also, you said "that every students should have". Should be student. But anyway, take out all of this. Again, I hate to be harsh, but talking about hearing versus listening is ridiculous. We can all hear and we can all listen.

INSTEAD, talk about how this experience has made you someone who can think rationally, and give an example of how you have applied what you learned from this experience to your life and how you are now a changed person. NOT someone who can "listen."

Sorry for possibly sounding offensive. It's just...I don't want you to get denied just because of this essay.

I'm not offended at all. I like constructive criticism because I need it. Anyways what if I go back to my original one? The whole "Raising children...blahblah" and the conclusion will be how we all should value our parents and stuff?

yeah but how is that related to the assignment???: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I mean it's all great for everyone to value their parents, but I don't get how that's related to anything. See, the problem is that this would be an excellent essay if your mom or dad wrote it and they were talking about how they changed their kid and how they're proud of how they're kid is a better person now. But you're not either of your parents. :/

You should keep this essay but take out a lot of the stuff about your parents and have only like a paragraph or two about what actually happened. The rest of it should be about how you developed into an intelligent person. As i said before, give an example of how it has changed you, like, "once this new girl at my school who everyone thought was cool offered me a drug, but after my prior experience with the boy, i knew that i should do the right thing and not accept the drugs." or something like that (but it has to be an actual experience, of course).

And then conclude it saying that you are proud of how this experience has changed you into a more rational being