I finished my essay for Temple Admissions and I was looking for some help. Here is the prompt and my essay. Thanks in advance.
Temple Supplement
Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has asked you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional accomplishments since graduation.
I finally got around to writing this essay. I've been living in my office ever since our merger a few weeks ago, coupled with my second baby expected to arrive in less than a month. There is so much to do in my hectic life, but nothing could keep me from expressing my appreciation to Temple University and the affect that attending Temple University has had on my life for the past ten years.
Wow, ten years. It's amazing, really. It seems like just yesterday that I was cheering along with the Hoot Squad, or holed up in the Village with the American Marketers Association to further my marketing major. Or, better yet, I will always remember storming the field after crushing Penn State at "The Linc" in 2016. GO OWLS! However, the influence of Temple has stuck with me with other, more tangible benefits as well.
One of the main reasons that I made my choice to come to Temple 14 years ago was the location. It was a tough economy back in 2010, but the abundance of great job opportunities in the urban sprawl of Philadelphia allowed me to think that I would get a great internship and turn it into a job without leaving Philly. It happened almost to script. I acquired an internship at an advertising agency through my studies at Temple University, and after graduating with great grades from my Marketing program they offered me a job. I was astonished by how easy it turned out to be to get a job in the field that I was interested in. Using the experience from this firm, I was able to get a job as the Marketing manager of a large corporate company in Philadelphia. I owe it all to the real life marketing skills and experience that I learned at Temple University and the great location of Philadelphia, which I've made my home for the last 14 years.
I not only took my job from my experience at Temple University, but I took my wife too, with whom I will be celebrating my 5th anniversary next month. We met in our junior years at Temple, and I managed to make her my wife. As we prepare for a family of four, it seems amazing that I have achieved so much over the last ten years. Raising my family in the shadow of Temple University, I know that I will accomplish so much more in the next ten.
Or, better yet, I will always remember storming the field after crushing Penn State at "The Linc" in 2016. GO OWLS! However, the influence of Temple has stuck with me with other, more tangible benefits as well.
maybe you could rephrase the above two lines like this:
I will never forget how it felt to storm the field after crushing Penn State at "The Linc" in 2016. GO OWLS! Being a student at Temple has not only given me a horde of unforgettable memories, but several more tangible benefits as well.
You could also write about how your experiences at Temple have shaped your persona, and developed certain aspects of your character.
It's a good essay. Good luck :)
You don't need this sentence, but if you want it, just do this:
green=possible change
red=revise
I was astonished by how easy it turned out to be to get a job in the field that I was interested inI got a job .
