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"Reaching the Interplanetary Level" - Statement of purpose.


Tshanky 1 / 1  
Apr 28, 2011   #1
Any suggestions

A tiny atom,' endless heat & density', explodes with an indescribable force causing the expansion of the universe. Was this the evolution or a mere talk? I 'm bedeviled; whom should I trust? My grandpa who says it was "fiction" or the science teacher who called it "titanic explosion". The former suspended all doubts by calling it god and the later said higher studies!!!

Yeah I am enchanted by the astral bodies and stargazing. I cannot answer why? Not even how? & When? "I started loving nights". Tutors advised me a sound sleep, friends called me an "Owl". The day I fell down in the assembly, doctors advised me breakfast, my parents packed the video-games and teachers said meditation, still unaware of the fact that this 7 year old boy is found on the terrace at midnight with his telescope. Having a cent percent attendance in the midnight classes I started observing the pattern of Stars. I found that I 'm not even a puny pee-wee in this gargantuan universe, which left me with so many questions as much stars I counted and a wish to explore the answers too.

This was not the end of my trauma, "God has so much to give" fortunately in the Mission Excellence Tour I got chance to visit the top space and research centers of India; there I met the visionary scientists who boosted my energy and confidence. Moreover what's been luckier, then getting an exclusive study of "The Chandrayan" by its makers? It was then; I started realizing benefits of being a studious pupil.

Yes these things made me a victim of the deadly disease "The Astronomy Tumor". Consequently I aspire to major in Astronomical science, which is one of the few sciences where amateurism does not hinder, whereas the backyard astronomers have proved healthy for the discovery and observation of transient phenomenon and occultation measurement. And it's just ______ which carries research in both observational and theoretical fields, at the same time provides each possible chance to their student to get out and explore things. The meetings conducted with space scientists at ______; and working with them is the dream I aspires, also it's the consistency of ______, to rank in the top most universities of the world for so many years, which appealed me, the most. I know it's a "______'s engineering degree", 'comprising all the knowledge associated, in acquiring it'; which will distinguish me from others.

Walking in the midst of these mortals, many people had a question to me, to which I always wished to answer "Yes" but could never: Mr.Devashish, Are you satisfied? Few tried to show better, others got frustrated. But no one ever specified whose satisfaction they wished from me, satisfaction with their presentation or with my indulgence. Actually they were brilliant [not all], lacking somewhere was I. Fell short of things where I knew there's a better chance of amplifying my skills. Because I knew satisfaction at this early stage will stop my evolution. And in search of that perfect touch I discovered my traits, which were indeed a wonderful gift of god. My mornings never went absent from the wonderful sessions of News paper, which is my truest friend since the years I learned to assemble alphabets and times when I felt listless, 'for my recreation' I played chess, what appeals me the most. I am captured by the allure of the mental acumen required and developed during the game. When sitting in front of that 8x8 board I breathe easy & my neck gets stiffed; and doesn't matter the recipe of a renowned chef cooked for me or a glamorous starlet sitting by. I have sprung up my love for chess since 5 and practicing skills has enabled me to analyze people's thought process and underlying motives in their behavior. By it I have learned the major strategies of setting and achieving long-term goals. And of all the assets I am blessed with, my conscientiousness, logical agile mind and positive thinking attributes is what I find has helped me to clear the hurdles of life. Their impact is what defines my personality. People often envision an arrow on my head; as I don't work only for magnitude, vectors design my mind and I love to work with directions. That is why I'm never astounded by my results else wise my hard work leads me to wait agog for them. I always let myself engaged and am a part of the race to aggrandize my skills in each and every field. I defy wrong people. When it comes to friends I become gregarious; but not mercurial. These positive attributes made me an exemplar in the class, friend circle and society. I have earned a good name lot at an early age and to top the State level exam in 8th class was surely the acme of my school life, and further my score in the scholarship test held by state government, by them I'm provided with a life time scholarship, was the highest accolade I could have received in my school life, but I always developed a feeling that yet there is better to come out of me. I am not the one who misses out opportunity and desires to grow up once again to accomplish it and also if so happens to me; time or age doesn't matter. The final aim for which I'm working is to achieve my parents dream, fortunately mines too and cutoff the trail of "The next Generation Dream" to lead the life.

Actually it was not English, Hindi or any other...
"What is she trying to look out there in the bills? God knows, I have got the latest game boy in the market. "1078/- only Ma'am" said the shopkeeper. She took out her purse and after a second replied politely, 'please remove that bracelet, seems quite old fashioned'. I was perplexed, yet I got the picture. For the first time I saw someone being right ignoring an eye contact. Should I have felt guilty for not being the one to call that toy "old", or felt proud for having such a sweetheart mummy?"

...this was the language in which I was brought up, a wordless but a definitive language of love, care and sacrifice. Perhaps this was not the only one, there's a list of myriad altruistic sacrifices put down by my parents for this day. They have been a surplus energy pack which continuously encouraged and blessed me. It is obviously true that man's dreams and aspirations are greatly influenced by the environment he lives in and the experiences that he encounters in this journey. My father is a lecturer of English and my mother had been teaching Hindi for last ten years. The environment was completely enrolled for studies. Almighty showered so much that even the siblings became a pioneer for me, my elder sister became a dentist.

The competition which I faced in the school hardened the bastion on the roots of my knowledge and Skills. I chipped in extracurricular activities & my friends became a source of moral support for me. They helped me at every stage of my life. We use to go for tours and picnics during winter vacations; those were few of the best experiences of my life, where I learned how to get high on one's life and definitely the art of being Crusoe. Also resources which we produced out of waste there were remarkable. Being so consistent and good in school made a good way for me as my name was proposed for most of the events, interschool competitions, where many times I led my school to victory. First house captain and then for my last year of high school, I took the oath as the Head boy, where I learned management and domination. The best I got from there was the abstract of standing stiff for truth. Though I was not living at a very big level but yet the society, school and family were always a supportive side for me. Actively and candidly I took part in most of the social works. They helped me to shape my dreams and aspirations and I have built a keen desire to certainly work for the people who brought me up from a local perspective to the global one. My decision of studying at _______ was not a plan to go abroad as misinterpreted by many of my friends and relatives, but I just wanted to give a mean to my engineering. Globalization and exploration is my ultimate aim and I work for it.
Rajiv 55 / 400  
Apr 30, 2011   #2
Hi Devashish, I tried to understand what it is you are trying to say here.

If this is meant to be a formal writing, you have the wrong idea of what can pass for that. This sounds like something you've scribbled in your notebook then copied here for corrections and feedback.

Take each paragraph and rewrite it, in clear English, the kind your English teacher would approve of.

There's potential here, more in you than in this writing; but you need work to bring it out.

Good luck.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 1, 2011   #3
Well, I was going to say "yeah" seems too informal... but the flowing style is not necessarily informal. I like this a lot. Here are a few ideas:

Yes, I am enchanted by the astral bodies and stargazing. I cannot answer why? Not even how? When? -------This part, I do not quite understand. The question mark after the word "why" does not seem to belong.

...friends called me an "Owl."---In this case, do not capitalize the word "owl." If they called you Owl like a name, that should be capitalized, but if they called you "an owl" it is a common noun and does not need to be capitalized.

The day I fell down in the assembly, doctors advised me breakfast, my parents packed the video-games and teachers said meditation, still unaware of the fact that this 7 year old boy is found on the terrace at midnight with his telescope. ---I like this so much! One part is unclear... what did the teachers say about meditation?

Having a cent percent attendance...Do it this way: Yet, I had one hundred percent attendance in the midnight classes I had started, observing the pattern of Stars. ----And in this sentence you should not capitalize the word stars.

Do not use &.
It is too informal.

I think you should try to cut about 20% of the content of this so that the only sentences that remain are the most powerful ones.

The competition which I faced in the school hardened the bastion on the roots of my knowledge and Skills. ---Do not capitalize "skills."

Maybe Rajiv is right about it being too informal, but... you seem to have a gift for writing! Keep reading a little every day so that you can hone your skill.
OP Tshanky 1 / 1  
May 2, 2011   #4
thank u so much
actually it is informal but it has been in my style of writing for years and first time as m applying for UK I m asked to write a statement of purpose and just working on it. maybe i'll show you a better and a formal work within a day or two.


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