Hi can you tell me what you think of this essay for the Common App? If the prose is good? if it is well written? does it draw you in? etc...
MANY THANKS!!
Nervousness and excitement surged through my veins. I stood at the edge of the room, my shiny black shoes stood silent on the gleaming hardwood floor. At such a young age, with seemingly endless years stretched out before me like blank pages, I was unable to fathom the impact that my first days of school would have on my life. My teacher stood in the classroom and expectantly exclaimed "Are you ready to learn?"
I sat at my desk attentively watching my teacher at the chalk board. I watched in awe as very deliberate, fluid white lines appeared on the dark blackboard. I furrowed my brow and frowned as I examined my misshapen, crooked letters. They were a complete disgrace, and I was ready to give up. "The alphabet is the foundation. If you can write letters, then you can write a word. If you can write a word, you can write a sentence and if you can write a sentence then you can write an entire book! It takes practice. Remember to never stop trying" my teacher explained. With new determination and energy I took out a fresh sheet of lined paper and tried again relentlessly.
The next day, my second day of school, I confidently and eagerly entered the classroom. My black shoes gleaming as they click-clicked on the hardwood floor while I walked toward my seat. I wrote and wrote, pressing my pencil into the paper harder and harder to try to control where on the paper the letters would appear. "I will never stop trying." Once again my teacher walked through the room to assess the progress of her student. "Remember to never stop trying. Relax." So I tried again. I let my mind wander. My mind swirled with all the words I would be able to write after all my practice. How I would form those words into sentences and then weave those sentences into a story. There would be no stopping me. The rhythmic clicking of my shiny black shoes resonated in my mind and through the classroom as I left my second day of learning.
Excitement poured out of me as I embarked on my third day of school. I was so eager to once again attempt to successfully write the letters of the alphabet. Click-Click-Click-Click; the rhythm pulsed inside my mind. I brought out a clean sheet of lined paper and began to write my foundation, the click-clicking pulsing in my mind. My shiny black shoes rhythmically tapping under my desk. My teacher demonstrated over and over. Never give up trying, I repeated to myself as I attempted to mirror her precision. Over and over I practiced. My shiny black shoes clicked on the gleaming hardwood floor. "You did it!" my teacher exclaimed.
I practiced more and more, constantly reminding myself to never give up trying, despite the infuriating frustration I endured. My shiny black shoes tapping wildly against the gleaming hardwood floor. I practiced in the classroom with my teacher until I had mastered how to write the letters; the foundation. Then I began to build on the foundation, I began to write words. My shiny black shoes fiercely exploding as they grazed against the gleaming hardwood floor. I practiced in the classroom with my teacher until I was able to write a sentence. The constant, pulsing rhythm resonating through my mind. My shiny black shoes singing against the gleaming hardwood floor. I practiced in the classroom with my teacher until I was able to weave those sentences into a story. My shiny black shoes passionately erupting against the gleaming hardwood floor as I glided to the beat. I practiced in the kitchen with my mother as I learned how to tap dance. It was there where the ideals of diligence and perseverance were instilled in me to nurture my ambitions, were embedded in my personality. My shiny black shoes rejoicing as they created a story on the gleaming hardwood floor.
"I stood at the edge of the room, my shiny black shoes stood silent on the gleaming hardwood floor."
You used 'stood' twice. Try to find another word to use. Perhaps 'waited' for the first one? Or something that portrays your anticipation? 'Stood' is a very flat word - it doesn't say much.
"With new determination and energy I took out a fresh sheet of lined paper and tried again relentlessly ."
I'm not sure if 'relentlessly' is the word you want here - the sentence sounds like you're describing one instance of trying again, but relentlessly would infer a whole span of attempts. Determinedly, or something similar, could work.
"My black shoes gleaming as they click-clicked on the hardwood floor while I walked toward my seat."
You've already told us your shoes gleam. It's up to you whether to keep it here - it doesn't quite go with your shiny-black-shoes continuation later in the essay; here, it just seems kind of redundant.
Overall, good essay! It's interesting how you combined tap-dancing and learning to write, although at the end I felt like I wanted to know more about the dancing, and the correlation between the two. It seems like you built up to something that wasn't quiiiiiite strong enough. It's an interesting combo, make it very memorable!! :D
wow! a hardwood floor in your school? sounds like an expensive private school. lol jk.
anyway, I thought the essay was very well written! the image and sound of your shoes tapping is very vivid.
oh! I actually just got this as i was posting...that you are comparing learning to write to learning to tap dance. At first i was going to ask why you mentioned tap dance, but something just clicked in my head and i got it. Ok well, rethinking it, I think you made a nice connection even though it took me personally about a minute later to understand where you were going.
I especially thought the way you started the story was nice (2nd par.) and you didn't flat-out say "when i was a kid i learned to write"
Sorry if this isn't very critical, I think its great the way it is.
Thanks so much for the input!
I'm not actually comparing the two events...but only talking about learning to tap dance by drawing on the common experience of learning to write(im applying for a musical theatre major) while exposing my dilligence. but it doesn't seem that anyone go that so i'll try to make it more clear...I'm really happy that you had that Ah'Ha moment because I was hoping that is what would happen...
THANKS SO MUCH!!!
Oooh, I'm applying for a MT Major too! :) Where are you applying?
no problem! Yeah you can try making another paragraph at the end by taking part of your last par. now and expanding on tap dancing.
also if you dont mind, can you tell me what you think of my common app essay?
NYU, Skidmore, Emerson, Vassar, Smith, Bryn Mawr, Muhlenberg, Bucknell
how about you?
Are you applying to Tisch or Steinhardt? If I didn't ride horses, I would be ALL over Tisch. :)
I'm applying to UMich (glutton for punishment, ha), Tulane, Northwestern, Vassar, Skidmore, Colgate, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, Williams, Tufts, UPenn, and UVA.
Such a ridic list, hahaha!
EDIT: Oh, and, for what it's worth, my best friend (who's a MT major at Tulane) has a sister who went to Smith for theatre and is getting her master's at Emerson. She always had good things to say about the Smith program!
I'm applying Steinhardt vocal performance because I want to minor in journalism...are you auditioning for classical voice, musical theatre, or both?
For the schools with musical theatre, I'm auditioning for that. Straight theatre with a minor in creative writing and/or music for the others. :)
oh nice! I plan on double majoring in vocal performance/musical theatre and journalism/english (depending on the school) so that I have the opportunity to pursue a law degree if my MT career doesnt go as im hoping it will haha
Oh my gosh, my mother would LOVE for me to have the same plans as you...she keeps hinting about going to law school! I'm destined to be broke - it's either theatre or international level equestrianism for me. ;)
