Harsh is OKAY! English is my second language so nothing will offend me in anyway. I don't really like this essay and feel like there is some way to improve it but I don't know how to. Thank you so much.
This is 583 words. I need it to be near 500 too but I can't cut words anymore. Please help me. Thank you so much, Habin.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Bill Gates II
Recently, I found a little "Introducing Myself" card that I made in first grade. The entries asked for my name, my hobby, my specialty, and my dream. What I put in the "dream" box interested me. I wrote in there "Bill Gates II, to make lots of money and donate all of them before I die." I thought, wow, seven years old Habin was pretty cute. Then I was shocked because when I saw this card, I realized the difference between the two Habins, one five years ago, and one right now; the one who loved computer so much that computer was the source of his power, and the other one who stopped caring about computer and degraded the wonderful machine to mere video game console. Honestly, I was disappointed at myself.
All my life, my whole attention, interest, and effort were devoted to computer. I was nicknamed Dr. Computer in my town and friends. I was even reading a book named "Teach Yourself C++"? The texts were like hieroglyphs. Even though I did not understand half of what it said, I read it out of fascination of the fact that I was reading a programming book, a pure computer book. I devoured everything about computer. Back then, I was the happiest kid in the world. However, at the time when I was living in the virtual world, it suddenly came to me that computer technology had hit its maximum height already, that there is no room for any new invention or further advancement. I came to a decision that I will be forced to stay as a "user," not a "creator," - that I will never be able to become Bill Gates II. It struck me hard. The fire that was burning ever so fiercely just suddenly went out as if someone had cut oxygen.
My engine went off. I was really disappointed and depressed; I could not find anything else to do. During the empty time, when I had nothing to do, I felt like a loser every minute. It was back then when I turned off my interest on computer. My dream did not have a bright future.
Then I moved to America and I started to get exposed to the whole new world. Until like two years ago, I believed that end-of-advancement-in-computer-technology theory was correct. Then I suddenly and explosively became aware of all these new inventions growing inside of the internet. INSIDE OF THE INTERNET, that's why! Of course I could not find any advancement! It was not physical or tangible anymore like it used to be. These new inventions were changing the world in a place where I could not see. As soon as I noticed this fact, so many "new inventions" I never noticed start to surface. It was not hard to notice that internet was going to rule the world.
This explosion relit my fire.
Ideas will come. Like Facebook, Twitter, Google, and YouTube, a brilliant idea will come if I keep strive for a most brilliant idea. Today, what internet can do is truly unlimited. And with this, I will make another curve in the line of people's lives just like what Google or Facebook did. A pen, when you use it, slits the paper, rips itself into the paper and leaves the ink in the slit making it permanent and genuine. Like a pen, I will make a bigger and bolder change and I am preparing myself for that day.
Are you twelve years old? wow. I like the beginning: it shows a lot about your world at the age of seven to who you are now. you put yourself in quite a negative light talking about playing games... I'm not sure why you mention that.
Beginning here, I begin to lose you: "However, at the time when I was living in the virtual world, it suddenly came to me that computer technology had hit its maximum height already, that there is no room for any new invention or further advancement. I came to a decision that I will be forced to stay as a "user," not a "creator," - that I will never be able to become Bill Gates II. It struck me hard. " Is this the recent you, looking at the card? The two you.s seem to blend together, which leaves me confused. Maybe you are saying that while you were so enamored by computers, you made your realization that you would not be able to create, but only be a user... If that's the case, work on the transition/realization there... (so it is.. work on that)
Also, your paragraphs are not structured...
So reading this, I don't see much of your world... other than you being disillusioned by technology, then coming to America and finding facebook, Google, etc.. Maybe say what is was about these that made you think so differently than before. What about the internet is so unlimited?
Your ending is strong, as in strongly worded, but I find it too striking for my liking. I don't entirely see your analogy with the pen. What do you mean? Maybe take the essay to a different direction
Thank you so much. It will be extremely helpful to me.
I am 17 years old in fact, and I see why you are asking that. I was not clear by saying "five years ago" and "first grade" in the essay. I will fix that.
Yes, I should not mention video games. Good point thank you.
and Yes I see that my transition from disillusionment to realization is bad I will fix that too.
the paragraph formatting was deleted in the process of copying the essay from the word doc.
I really liked your feedback (it was amazing) and I wish I could PM you and get some help.
uhm... just thank you so much Jonathan.
Hi,
To tell you the truth, I really enjoyed your first paragraph. While it may not be very polished, it was interesting to read and it did show me who you were. However, the second paragraph was worded too negatively, and then slightly too dramatic. If I were you I would take out the INSIDE OF THE INTERNET. Perhaps you can be more specific about what you plan to do. Unlike meisj0n, I don't think it's weird to be negative about video games, but certainly don't use too many similes. I think your essay started off good and if you polish the rest of it, it can turn out great. I hope this helps you. Good luck!
I really enjoyed reading your essay! However, your last two paragraphs feel a little too dramatic. Go easy on the figurative language.
Just a suggestion (:
Intersting essay keep up the good work
I revised the essay. I believe this is better but with my limited grammar I am still worried. I'm very bad at using the articles (a and the) so if anyone can fix the articles for me that would be very much appreciated.
Bill Gates II
Recently, I found a little "Introducing Myself" card that I made in first grade. The entries asked for my name, my hobby, my specialty, and my dream. What I put in the "dream" box interested me. I wrote in there "Bill Gates II, to make lots of money and donate all of them before I die." I thought, wow, seven years old Habin was pretty cute. Then I was shocked because when I saw this card, I realized the difference between the two Habins, one first grade, and one eighth grade; the one who loved computer so much that computer was the source of his power, and the other one who stopped caring about computer and degraded the wonderful machine to a mere entertainment machine. Honestly, I was disappointed at myself.
Computer was my life until eighth grade. I often fixed computers for my neighbors that later I was nicknamed Dr. Computer by them. At a very young age, I attempted to read a programming book named "Teach Yourself C++." Even though the texts were like hieroglyphs and I did not understand half of it, I read it out of fascination of the fact that I was reading a pure computer book, something that I loved with all my heart. I was the happiest kid with a mouse and a keyboard. Then sometime during eighth grade, it struck me that the computer technology had hit is maximum height already and it seemed to me that there was no room for further advancement. After discovering that, my engine went off. I could not find anything else to do with my now-free time. The fact that I will be forced to stay as a user, not a creator made me very disappointed and depressed. My dream had a dark future.
Then I came to America and started to get exposed to the different aspects of computer. When I noticed that other side, I could not believe how I missed it. It was the internet. My end-of-advancement theory was in a sense right because it was true that there were no more genuinely new inventions in hardware field. But inside the internet, everything was going at full speed. Facebook, Twitter, Google, and YouTube... the things I never noticed as new because they were so close to me were in fact the very inventions I was looking for. Of course I could not find any inventions. They were not visible or tangible anymore because they all lied inside the virtual world. When I found out that computer still had so much potential, it made me very excited.
Today, where majority of the population uses internet on daily basis, the power of it is unlimited. A pen, when you use it, slits the paper, rips itself into the paper and leaves the ink, making it permanent and genuine. I want to become a pen. Using the unlimited resources of the internet I want to draw another curve in people's lives like what Facebook did.
P.S. Is there a way to get feedback from the people who have already helped me on this essay?
There are some mistakes in your writing just cuz you are careless...
1. the computer technology had hit (is) maximum its
2. When I noticed (that) other side the
This sentence is kind of complicated and may feel better in this way.
because they were so close to me were in fact the very inventions I was looking for. Of course I could not find any inventions.
because they were so close to me that I could barely find that they were the very inventions I was earnestly looking for.
