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'Relief after landing' - dartmouth experience that changed my life



chigirl 3 / 3  
May 19, 2011   #1
It was a wednesday in august , we had spent 11 days in lagos and we were buying our tickets to go back to Port Harcourt .That morning i had woken up with an eerie feeling I begged my mum to post pone our flight she looked at me angrily and told me to stop being selfish that my father also needed us. we picked my grand mother from her sister's house on our way to the airport she was acrophobic but her need to see her sister overshadowed her fear . My grandmother was a devout catholic she was never without her rosary but i loved her all the same mostly because she was my only surviving grandparent .My siblings were arguing at the back about something i ignored them and focused on the scenery and occasionally took a photo of beautiful scenes i didn't have the chance to see during my short stay .

We had boarded the plane and i still felt we should not be travelling my mind kept conjuring images of our plane crashing and my dad standing alone in front of five graves.I was not even aware that the plane was taking off. I was jerked back to life by my grandmother's loud whispers i turned to see her clutching her rosary and praying i smiled at least she was not crying this time around.

When we landed a sudden relief came over me i felt like as if a heavy load had been lifted from my chest. I caught sight of my father and ran to hug him. after the hugs and kisses we piled into the car, i sat at the door on our way home the sky darkened i looked at the time it said seven thirty pm our flight had been delayed due to the rain.

we were on the lonely road to the state when it all happened my family was laughing as my grandmother recounted her first plane experience to my father then heard a crash my short life passed before my eyes i saw white then a blackout . i woke up to my mothers scream and my siblings crying i opened my right eye and tried to open left eye i couldn't i felt a throbbing headache then i turned to my dad and said ''dad i can't open my left eye'' my mothers screams grew louder and i blacked out again

I woke up to see a man examining me he looked very caring he told me he was my doctor and smiled.i then asked the question that had been the cause of my nightmares since the accident ''will i ever see with my left eye again'' i asked steeling myself for the worst , ''yes'',he said . i felt like someone just told me i won the lottery. i was relieved i had never felt so greatful about having eyes or even living .

This was the event that changed my life ever since then i have had an unquenchable desire to help others , to give them hope just like my doctor who helped me . i wanted to be like these people in white in the hospital . i viewed them as some sort of eartly angels who worked hard to make miracles take place ,to give people hope and restore an unseemingly lost life. I wanted to be a doctor.

pls help me i need ideas

whitney 21 / 38  
May 20, 2011   #2
the red letters mean that you need majuscule. and you need to make more pauses, thus, i added many full stops and commas.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
May 21, 2011   #3
I'll make some corrections, too:

That morning I had woken up with an eerie feeling. I begged my Mum to post pone our flight, but she looked at me angrily and told me to stop being selfish and that my father needed us.---I made several small changes here.

Capitalize:
devout Catholic. She was never...

without her rosary, but I loved her all the same mostly because she was my only surviving grandparent.

My siblings were arguing at about something. I ignored them and focused on the scenery, occasionally taking a photo of beautiful scenes I didn't have the chance to explore during my short stay .

Capitalize the first word of every sentence. Use the word PHYSICIAN instead of DOCTOR.

Make sure you end sentences with a period instead of writing on and on without ending the sentence. For example:
This was the event that changed my life. Ever since then, I have had an unquenchable desire to help others, to give them hope just like my doctor who helped me. I wanted to be...

:-)


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