research, and/or extracurricular paths - UPenn Supplemental Essay

This is my supplemental essay for the University of Pennsylvania. I know, it's not very good at the moment, but this is honestly the best I could come up with.

Thanks to everyone in advance!

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn? (250 words)

I have known for two years, since I first sat down with my ten-pound Princeton Review 368 best colleges handbook, that I wanted to go to the University of Pennsylvania. Everything sounded perfect: the stellar academics, the universally brilliant but socially diverse student body, and its location in the middle of Philadelphia. I knew then that Penn was a school I would have to consider, but it wasn't until I visited campus last Spring Break that I knew just how perfect Penn's academic and extracurricular life would be for me.

I have always been interested in math and science, and plan to apply to the College of Arts and Sciences. The thing I remember most about my tour at the University was how the tour guide mentioned that he had been working in independent research since his freshman year. I would love to do research as an undergraduate, and would take full advantage of the ample independent research opportunities offered at the university.

Academics aside, the extracurricular life at Penn is what really sets it apart from other schools for me. I would of course have to join the Penn Band. I've spent hours in front of the computer "researching" Penn's band and laughing so obnoxiously that people would come into the room just to tell me to shut up. That is something that I would just have to be a part of at Penn.

Ever since my visit to Penn, I knew it would be a perfect fit. The research and extracurricular opportunities make it a place where I would love to spend four years.

Also, if anyone has time, I'd love if someone could critique my Common App short answer essay. I posted a 2nd draft that no one's read yet.

wow my first impression on your essay was that it is too short but just realized its actually over 250!

anyways...

ur basic thought or... infrastructure seems good
but u need to be more specific

second..
the topic wants u to consider UPenn's academics + community and relate them to ur future study or activity at Penn. However, it seems like ur interest in math and science is not relevant to ur passoin toward band

overall.. not a bad essay! but if u work on some of the mistakes and stuff ur essay ll look way better!

Ha ha, I know you do not intend to be offensive, but it seems wrong to suggest that things are not ordinarily brilliant when diversity is present.

I challenge you to condense that whole first paragraph into one sentence, or maybe a sentence and a half. You can be more efficient, and that will leave you room to specify at the end of that first paragraph exactly what you discovered that made it perfect for you.

Again, in that conclusion, I still cannot discern a clear answer about what makes it a perfect fit. Is there a word that captures the benefit it will provide for you? I think this essay needs a theme. Otherwise, it basically says you want to study math & science and join the band. That is not very memorable... it will be better if you can think of a perfect word or phrase to use as your theme. Know what I mean? Wait for inspiration to come later today, and type that perfect word.

the upenn supplement is supposed to be approximately 500 words, according to the common app site

I meant to say that I liked how the student body was so diverse that the only thing that really brings everyone together was a passion for learning.

Thanks for the advice, I'm working on a new draft.