Okay, here's the first draft of my Carnegie Mellon supplement >< I know it's so last minute...so any help is appreciated!!!!! Things to look for: did i answer the prompt completely? should i add more stuff about carnegie mellon? grammar?
Prompt: explain why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to
A drop of blood lands on a dot marking the target on a fat, gray, plastic strip. "Daddy, why do you have to do that?" I asked, as a puzzled and concerned child. My father is diabetic, yet at the time, all I knew about diabetes was my father's frequent mood swings, the frustration of piercing his fingers, and the incessant clacking of pills. When my dad fell unconscious in a diabetic coma on a Christmas Eve, I flew to him in a shock. I scrambled to dial 9-1-1 and before I knew it, sirens blared outside the building. One officer asked me to list the medications my father took and I was gravely proud to know everything they needed, down to the medication and his schedule for taking them. After much hoisting, my dad left to the ambulance on a gurney as a hurricane of anxiety and rage for his well-being set in my heart. When he finally returned fully recovered, I realized how close I had come to losing my father. I had watched my father suffer diabetes all my life and experienced his fits of frustration, yet I only felt angry at my situation. Not until this jolt to reality did I realize that it is not about how much I or someone else suffers; it is about what those who can do something are doing about it. With this mindset, I researched on diabetes extensively by reading and became introduced to the world of diseases.
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Prompt: explain why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to
A drop of blood lands on a dot marking the target on a fat, gray, plastic strip. "Daddy, why do you have to do that?" I asked, as a puzzled and concerned child. My father is diabetic, yet at the time, all I knew about diabetes was my father's frequent mood swings, the frustration of piercing his fingers, and the incessant clacking of pills. When my dad fell unconscious in a diabetic coma on a Christmas Eve, I flew to him in a shock. I scrambled to dial 9-1-1 and before I knew it, sirens blared outside the building. One officer asked me to list the medications my father took and I was gravely proud to know everything they needed, down to the medication and his schedule for taking them. After much hoisting, my dad left to the ambulance on a gurney as a hurricane of anxiety and rage for his well-being set in my heart. When he finally returned fully recovered, I realized how close I had come to losing my father. I had watched my father suffer diabetes all my life and experienced his fits of frustration, yet I only felt angry at my situation. Not until this jolt to reality did I realize that it is not about how much I or someone else suffers; it is about what those who can do something are doing about it. With this mindset, I researched on diabetes extensively by reading and became introduced to the world of diseases.
...