'Research into rare medicinal herbs' - Why Franklin and marshall college?

How did you first hear about Franklin and Marshall College and why did you choose to apply?

I first heard about Franklin and Marshall College from my Guidance Counselor.

Upon graduation from high school I knew that my sheer aspiration in serving my community and my interest in research of life sciences had to be amalgamated. Then I began searching for colleges that best suited my relevance. After going through virtual tours of different colleges and universities, Franklin and Marshall College stood out to be my first priority. Apart from its vibrant location, nationally best faculty accessibility and great learning environment, the two main features why F&M sits at the top of my list are the excellent undergraduate research opportunities and the voluntary options available within the city of Lancaster.

During my high school, I researched on medical and socio-economical importance of a rare medicinal herb, Yarsagumba( Cordyceps sinensis). I presented it in 4th International Students Science Fair organized in Ritsumeikan Senior High School, Japan, and received a huge appreciation by experts for my findings. It provided immense motivation to me to explore more about natural sciences. I believe, Franklin and Marshall College, nationally and historically recognized for its life science department is the ideal place to give continuity to my research endeavor. The biology department provides students with research opportunities that include independent study and summer fellowships. Also, the specialized faculties and enough resources available within the department provide students with intense intellectual experience that will best prepare them for the future. Furthermore, it opens doors to wide range of future careers like neuroscience, public health, dentistry and veterinary medicine. I too, want to be the part of such intellectual and unique experience, and work on-hand with professors on various research activities. It will not only provide concrete platform to make my interests come to reality but also broaden my scholarly horizon.

Last summer, when I was a part of a voluntary program focused to rehabilitate the war affected children in western Nepal, I realized that I, being a privileged one have responsibility to help those who are not. Like Benjamin Franklin had said "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn" getting involved in the social cause was great learning experience as well. I look forward to joining a college that gives myriad of opportunities to help materialize my aspiration of helping people around me. F&M College does just that. A college with a long history of concatenating students with the local community, F&M undertakes many community based projects that help students to open new horizons of learning and service. The Ware Institute of Civic Management, Philadelphia Alumni Writers House and Clemente Course in the Humanities under Civic Management provide wide range of volunteer options within city of Lancaster. Either it be engagement in "Big Brothers Big Sisters Mentoring Program" or "Community Engagement projects", I believe I will be best prepared to take responsibility of not only my community but my nation as well.

A community of highly achieving and multicultural students, college house enriching students beyond classrooms, various forms of clubs and organization, F&M engrosses all the prospects required for a student to succeed. I believe I will not only fit but also thrive in the F&M community.

Plz help me with the 1st part of the question and the conclusion..
id highly appreciate if somebody checked the grammar..
thnx a lot.

You should insert that first sentence into the first paragraph, telling what your guidance counselor told you about it and why.

Then I began searching for colleges that best suited my relevance . This just doesn't sound right, perhaps, "..best suited my academic needs or requirements?

During my high school, I researched on medical and socio-economic importance of a rare...

Furthermore, it opens doors to a wide range...

I too, want to be the part of such intellectual and unique...

...best prepared to take responsibility for not only my community but my nation as well.

^^ thnx susan.. do you think the concluding paragraph sums up the essay??? also, i was worried about the length... do you think this essay is verbose or whatsoever??

Too many adjectives makes it not so believable. Too many adjectives makes it overblown. It is powerful, though, to state simply that you have spent a lot of time in contemplation about how you can reconcile interest in life science with interest in community service.

But then you have to specify what aspects of life science intrigue you and what kinds of community service you like and why. You just went straight into telling about the school's location and that it is a priority... I think you are not approaching this essay as a tol to advance a single, important idea. What is the single idea that may be hard to explain but that captures your unique intentions?

^^Thank you kevin for the comments.. Ill work on that part and will post the essay after i revise.. thnx once again..

I have tried to re write the essay.. If anyone can, plz help me with the grammar and language, to polish it..
I developed a profound interest in life sciences during four years of high-school. Hence, while searching for a college of my match, I looked for one that best suited my relevance. After rigorous searching, Franklin and Marshall College stood out to be my first priority. Apart from its vibrant location, nationally best faculty accessibility and a great learning environment, the two main features that put F&M at the top in my list are the excellent life-science research opportunities and the voluntary options available within the city of Lancaster.

During high school, I researched on the medical and socio-economical importance of Yarsagumba(Cordyceps sinensis) - a rare medicinal herb. I presented the research report in the "4th International Students Science Fair" organized in Ritsumeikan Senior High School, Japan. I received a huge appreciation by experts for my findings. For me, it was a huge motivation to explore deeper into natural sciences. I believe, Franklin and Marshall College - a nationally and historically recognized for its life science department - is the ideal place to give continuity to my endeavor. The biology department provides students with research opportunities that include independent study and summer fellowships. Also, the specialized faculties provide the students with intense intellectual experience that will best prepare them for a future in life sciences. Furthermore, it opens doors to wide range of career opportunities like neuroscience, public health, dentistry and veterinary medicine. I too, want to be a part of the intellectual and unique experience, and work on-hand with professors on various research activities. Therefore, I am sure that my experience at F&M will help me get a jump-start into my future career in the field of life sciences.

Last summer, when I was a part of a voluntary program focused to rehabilitate the war affected children in western Nepal, I realized that I am a privileged one and I have a responsibility to help the needy ones. Afterall, Ben Franklin had said - "Tell me and I forget; teach me and I remember; involve me and I learn." Indeed, getting involved in the social cause was an extraordinary learning experience. Similarly, I look forward to joining F&M because it gives plenty of opportunities to help capitalize my aspiration of helping people around me. As a college with a long history of concatenating students with the local community, F&M undertakes many community based projects that help students to open new horizons in social service.

In addition, the Ware Institute of Civic Management, Philadelphia Alumni Writers House and Clemente Course in the Humanities under Civic Management provide wide range of volunteer options within city of Lancaster. Be it engagement in "Big Brothers Big Sisters Mentoring Program" or "Community Engagement projects", I believe that at F&M, I will be well prepared to take not only community level responsibilities but bigger ones.

A community of highly achieving and multicultural students, college house enriching students beyond classrooms, various forms of clubs and organization, F&M engrosses all the prospects required for a student to succeed. I believe I will not only fit but thrive excellently in the F&M community.

change "profound" to a not-so-impressing word..It sounds like pseudo-profoundity.
You may also want to remove the introduction.


Change it to "As Bejamin Franklin had said...".Use full name(I was blamed for not using the full name of a professor in one of my "why" essay)


delete. Admissions Officers already saw that.

Other suggestions:write more concrete stories about your research on Yarsagumba and social devotions.Write more about what you developed from the activities, and what they reveal about you. AOs may be happy to learn more about you. Also write less about the school(AOs know their own school very well)

P.S. I'm applying to F&M too.Good luck!

^^ thnx for the comments..ill try to work on those sections.