Rice supplement--perspective

This is just the introduction to my Rice supplement. Is it a good beginning? Ant suggestions are greatly appreciated! :)

Prompt: The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

I have matured and grown in so many transformational ways since I first set foot on American soil on February 2000. I was an eight year old girl thrown into an unfamiliar setting, forced to learn and adapt into a different culture very quickly. Mastering a new language, advancing to American teaching standards, and learning new concepts were a few of the challenges I faced as an immigrant from Ethiopia. The life experiences I have had as a foreigner in America have borne in me certain characteristics that set me apart from others. My circumstances have made me who I am today, and my perspective is a product of my tribulations, failures, and successes.

Moving to the U.S. wasn't just about a new beginning; it also caused me to develop a better understanding of my Ethiopian culture. The general belief is that my generation will slowly lose their touch with their Ethiopian heritage and be completely influenced by the West. On the contrary, I am proud to say that I still hold true to many Ethiopian traditions, and some have intertwined with American ones. Consequently, I have developed a cross-cultural identity that encompasses aspects of both my native country and my new home of America.

Good start! It gives me a sense of YOU. Continue with what you have and incorporate more about who you are and the transition from Ethiopia to the U.S. Try starting your essay with a stronger hook that will latch the readers onto what you're trying to say. I hope I helped somehow.

Please take a look at mine? Thanks!

Is it correct to use borne?

ummm... i thought so. How about using "instilled" instead?

Is the rest of the essay good?

The point of your essay is that you are shaped by both Ethiopian culture and American culture. A similar story can be written by any immigrant so try to make the story a little more unique.

I think you have a good idea of what you want to say, but I think you need to say it in a way that keeps readers locked in. I think to make it even more personal you could go into a story about when you first got here (hustle and bustle of the airport, not knowing whats going to happen, where you're going to live, where you will go to school, etc...). You can use that to show how you developed and changed into the bright young woman you are today but show how you still care about your traditions (kind of a day in the life of an ethiopian muslim woman who wants to make something of herself and live the classic american dream). Good luck!

thansk a lot roma91! that helps a lot. I've been trying to think of a certain moment in my life to write about so it would be more interesting rather than just summarizing my life. I'll see what I can come up with. Thanks again!