I want to get a second opinion on if what I have written so far has sufficiently answered the prompt and if it should be longer. Also, Im not sure if I should keep the 1st paragraph or not. Any comments on grammar/content appreciated!
Prompt: With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.
In order to better understand why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences, I feel it is important to know a little about how I came to be interested in science. As far back as I can seem to recall I have been interested in science. When I was little I absolutely adored the show, Bill Nye the Science Guy. The show sparked my interest in science, and looking back I can remember that it is most likely the starting point of my career in science. As I grew older, my interest in science (especially biology) increased. When faced with choosing which high school to go to, I was introduced to my current high school. This is where my interest in biology has been nurtured for the past four years. Currently, I am taking a biotechnology course that allows me to use plasmids to transform genes and to use gel electrophoresis to analyze DNA samples.
I have chosen the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice because I feel that it will offer me a world class education as well as the opportunities that will help me with my future as a biochemist. I hope to gain both experience and insight into my major by performing research. I would love to spend my summer at Rice University's NSF Research Experience for Undergrads program doing research in tissue engineering. However, the most appealing thing to me about the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice is that it seems to have a similar atmosphere as that of my current high school. The small class sizes and emphasis on academic excellence are what really pushed me to apply to Rice. I have become accustomed to the scholarly atmosphere that my school provides and I really hope to continue it at Wiess School of Natural Sciences.
In this case, the first paragraph seems distinctly on topic. I'd definitely keep it. Perhaps you can revise it so that you don't use the word "Science" seven times in the first hundred words you write, though. Use synonyms, or, if you can't think of any, combine sentences.
Thanks for the comment Sean. I didnt even notice that, Ill be sure to reorganize it so that the words I use are more diversified.
Yes, and take out all unnecessary words:
In order to betterexplain why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences, I feel it is important to tell a little about how I came to be interested in science.
Actually, nevermind that whole first sentence. It is unnecessary...
As far back as I can seem to recall I have been interested in science. When I was little I absolutely adored the show, "Bill Nye the Science Guy." The show sparked my interest in science, and looking back I can remember that it is most likely the starting point of my career in science. As I grew older, my interest in science (especially biology) increased. When faced with choosing which high school to go to, I was introduced to my current high school. This is where my interest in biology has been nurtured for the past four years. Currently, I am taking a biotechnology course that allows me to use plasmids to transform genes and to use gel electrophoresis to analyze DNA samples.
I have chosen the Wiess School of Natural Sciences at Rice because I feel that it will offer me a world class education as well as the opportunities that will help me with my future as a biochemist. ...oh, good, and I see that you give specific examples at the end here... Nice job! Now, use all the space that I left you (by crossing things out) to tell about even more specific aspirations that make this school perfect for you.
