why are you applying to the school that you are applying to?
As a resident of Taiwan, a beautiful, but overcrowded island country off the coast of China, I know the importance of space. With overpopulation and the pressure that comes along with it, I understand the potential and usefulness of nanotechnology. I believe nanotechnology is the future as the population increases and exhausts natural resources. It allows us to precisely create new materials with a vast range of applications such as medicine, energy production, and electronics.
Furthermore, as a badminton player, I know how nanotechnology can directly affect our lives. The best badminton rackets are built with nanotechnology to increase the precision of the manufacturing process and to reap maximum performance. Materials such as fullerene and carbon nanotubes are used in the making of a tournament-level racket. These materials allow me to control the shuttlecock with full confidence. It also allows me to swing my Yonex Nanospeed 7700 with ease and have a satisfying feedback when I hit the sweet spot of it. I have experienced the power of nanotechnology. Previously, I can only study the structure of objects; now, nanotechnology gives me the chance to manipulate atoms and particles. It allows me to further understand the composition of matter. I am very interested in the roots of things; therefore, I believe nanotechnology allows to explore the very foundation of matter. I believe that nanotechnology is the technology of the future; and I want to be a part of the future.
I love how you really know what you're talking about, which showcases your passion for the subject.
However I think you use a lot of repetitions. I know it's for emphasis but it kind of gets annoying and makes admissions officers roll their eyes. I'm talking about you keep on reiterating how "nanotechnology is the future". I don't think there's no need for repetition because you've explained well how IT IS the "future".
Overall, nice work! Good luck!
i totally see what you're talking about
thank you so much :]
Just an idea:
What if you start saying 2 (or more) general statements: one about the overpopulation in Taiwan and one about badminton, and then introduce nanotechnology as the link between them? If you write it well, I think it can be a really good hook to start off the essay.
Anyway, I like that the essay is focused and detailed. You seem to know what you are talking about. Good work!
I would appreciate your help in my posts, if you can :)
These materials allow me to control the shuttlecock with full confidence. They also enable me to swing my...
This is some good material, very smartly written!
This sentence is messed up by the word "therefore":
I am very interested in the roots of things; therefore I believe nanotechnology allows to explore the very foundation of matter. -----the word therefore makes it seem like the reason you belive that is because of your interest in the roots of things.
This is a great piece of writing!!!
"Yonex Nanospeed 7700" maybe you could just say racket to shorten it?
