Okay, here is what I hope is the LAST of the essays I have to write for applications...whew...
I put in a lot of sentences starting with "I" in this essay. Do you all think it is too repetitive?
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to make music part of my everyday life. I was singing before I could talk, and I remember going though a phase where every word that came out of my mouth was sung. When I was 7, my parents enrolled me in piano lessons, and I immediately fell in love with it. From the very beginning, I didn't practice piano because I was forced to, or because I wanted to make my parents proud, I practiced because I really liked what I was doing. I can't imagine my life without music, and I'm going to music school to make sure that playing the piano will be a central part of my future career.
I'm really looking forward to being surrounded by people my own age who share so many interests with me. I can't wait for the day when I can sit in a class of like-minded students and have a deep conversation about music. I want to learn from all the different backgrounds, musical styles, and philosophies represented in a music school, and I want my views and opinions about music to be challenged by my classmates. I hope to develop friendships and relationships that I will carry with me the rest of my life.
I've heard so many musicians talk about going to college and having their eyes opened to something completely new to them, something they hadn't even thought of before. In fact, I haven't talked to a single person who said that they were the same person with the same goals before and after college. I know one woman who went into college hoping to be a concert pianist, learned about Alexander technique, and now 20 years later is one of the leading therapists for injured musicians in the country. The thought that I may end up devoting my life to something that I know nothing about right now isn't worrying or frightening to me like I know it is for some people, its really exciting. It's the kind of uncertain future I would want.
When I graduate from college, I want to be able to say that I have advanced, both as a musician and as a person. I want to be someone who has learned from the past years of experiences, someone who has had their mind opened to new ideas, someone who is constantly trying to learn. Music has always been an important part of my life, and going to music school will help it become part of my future.
Thanks!
I think you are correct in saying that the usage of "I" is a bit too prevalent. I would usually object to this unnecessary usage of "I" unless you are doing a format such as I am blah blah blah, I am blah blah blah, and I blah blah blah. That format can be rather repetitive and non-effective; however in some cases I think it can be worthwhile. Unfortunately, I do not think you are aiming for this format so thus I would suggest adding some variety such as "Rice will allow me to further develop my passion for music and bolster my technical skills" or something like that. Try different approaches to beginning sentences and paragraphs. In addition, I would also suggest you use some sort of specific example, such as a role model, or a specific instrument that you play because most of your essay is very general, a common problem for many students writing college essays. Try to narrow it down to a few specific things you can really write well about rather than spouting a bunch of general "pleasing" statements. From the beginning, it seems like you are talking about singing, then you quickly turn to piano. This transition is abrupt and very confusing to the reader. Make sure you clarify which instrument or vocals you are talking about. As a reader, I do get what your trying to say, but remember this: be concise, clear, and forward about what you want to say. Don't beat around the bush. GET to the point. Otherwise, I think this essay definitely has some potential. Rewrite! Rewrite! That is the key. Trust me, I'm suffering through the same process...
Anyways, good luck with everything and if you don't mind, please check out my essays as well!
