Hey guys, I am applying to Rice as an Early Decision applicant and would be grateful if you would give me honest criticism and feedback for one of my supplemental essays. Please let me know of anything (e.g. too impersonal, too philosophical, grammar/syntax points) that I can change to make the essay better. Thanks in advance! :)
The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What personal perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (500 word limit)
Mountain peaks, temples and pine trees nestled on the folds of the rocks, descending waterfalls, and the minuteness of the people. These are what I recall from the painting that my father had inherited from my grandfather. While he was alive, my ninety four year old grandfather lectured me multiple times on what each object in the painting signified. Undoubtedly, being the puerile kid I was, the lecture was nothing but of mundane nature. His seemingly intricate and complex lecture--something about how harmony is derived from nature--was far beyond my understanding at that time. Probably, from what I can recall, he was the first one to introduce me to the concept of harmony.
To some degree, I have experienced the opposite ends of the spectrum of both Eastern and Western culture. I have lived in the eastern hemisphere for ten years and now, living in Austin, I am fully immersed in the Western culture of the United States. From both my parents' side, I had a family of over fifty members in South Korea, and now, I only live with my mother in Austin. I have lived in a small town where education and diversity was neglected and now I reside in a city where those two factors are highly considered. And the list goes on. Hence, cultural or social homogeneity have rarely been a matter that I had to struggle with. I was constantly exposed to varied groups of people and cultural/social norms. Intuitively finding the medium between two polarities or helping attain harmony within a large group, as a result, became almost second nature to me--a not-so-natural instinct formed from experiences in the short course of my teenage life.
By undergoing such disparate array of events, I have never been averse to a certain type of people. In a group setting, whether it be in group project in English class or in a marching band with over hundred fifty players, I was frequently the one to mediate the discrepancies and the one to strip down the barrier people were timidly holding againsts others. Everyone including myself, having taken his or her unique path, will bring something unique that might seem incongruent at first glance. The incongruousness, however, will create something new and great, ridding the need to sacrifice each separate identity for the sake of the group.
Some might argue that harmony is boring. Some might say that harmony is an outdated concept. Some might fear that it deprecates their sense of superiority. But none of these is synonymous with what I know. Harmony is the recognition and acceptance of diversity, rather than the reduction to uniformity. And with this in mind, I have been able to recognize the variance in daily situations and people I have encountered; I have been able to acknowledge the mountain peaks, the pine trees, the folding rocks, and the descending waterfalls. The acceptance of diversity and the ability to accentuate its unique nature are something I have developed throughout the course of my life--something, I hope, I will continue to contribute to the Rice community.
From both my parents' side, I have a family of over fifty members in South Korea, and now, I only live with my mother in Austin.
I have lived in a small town where education and diversity was neglected but now I reside in a city where those two factors are highly considered.
James, I think that the discussion about your father talking to you about paintings is a bit too abstract for this essay. My belief, is that you can better discuss the concept of harmony starting with your second paragraph that deals with your real world experience and need for harmony. You can better explain the need for immediate harmony in our daily world much better in that paragraph.
The rest of the essay paragraphs are well connected and transitioned from the end of one paragraph to the start of another However, I find the essay to be to verbose at this point. Somehow you made the 500 word maximum your target instead of using it as a guide in expressing yourself instead. That is why the essay seems to sometimes become heavily worded. While it is great that you can manage to use all 500 words, it is important to keep the essay short enough to keep the reviewer interested in reading it.
That said, if you can find a way to shorten your paragraphs and simply bring your contributions to the front sooner rather than later in the essay, you should have a tighter and better written essay that the reviewer will enjoy reading. Remember, just because the limit is 500, that does not mean you need to present 500 words if it means the essay will become repetitive or boring. Just bat for somewhere in between. Say 250-300 words should be sufficient.
Thanks guys. Louisa, your contribution to this site has been incredible and I can't thank you enough for your time and assistance! I am planning on taking a different turn for this essay completely (I'm not satisfied with it). I will post again once I have finished the newly revised essay.
