RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique

"Please tell us more about your interest in Brown. Why does Brown appeal to you as
a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?"

max 1000 characters, this is 996. I was a bit uneasy on my bringing up RISD, since that's my real goal but I'm trying for the dual degree program.

--

After sitting through saccharine reassurances from Columbia ("even though we have one of the lowest acceptance rates in the country you should still apply, really!") and prestigiously stuffy boasts from Yale, I was not in the mood for more "distinguished" drivel by the time I came to Providence. But when I arrived at Brown, I was happily astonished by the open curriculum, close proximity to RISD, and rich student body. "I'm going to such a lot of classes," I thought, fidgeting as the admissions officer explained Brown's requirements. Applications, schmapplications--I wanted in now. "And I'll try for that dual degree program, and some clubs--" I practically squealed when I realized I could pursue my intended majors without compromising many other interests.

Yet Brown in conjunction with RISD radiated a sincerity and innovation that appealed to me even more than what it had to offer. It felt at once challenging, inviting and right, and damned if I wasn't going to try and be part of it!

I don't quite understand this quote.

The response is really good! Nice job. I would caution you about putting down Yale and Columbia though. They all are Ivy League schools, and I don't believe appreciate being associated with saccharine and stuffy. Just be careful. You are on to something about being worried about mentioning RISD. It won't be an issue if you just do it once, but you don't want to give the impression that Brown is not your first choice. No college, especially Ivies, want to be considered second rate. Other than that, you do share your passion and excitement while you were there, which they will surely appreciate.

Hope that helped! check out my essays if you can!

This is really good! Some advice:
many other interests. - you may want to expand more on this. what are your other interests and how can brown help you in them (courses, clubs etc)

damned - sure you want to use this? a bit too informal, for my taste
Anyway well done!
Please help me with mine? :)

"I'm going to such a lot of classes," ? I thought, fidgeting Okay, I get what you mean. But the initially connotation with fidgeting is a bit negative, makes me think you were either nervous or impatient, maybe add fidgeting with excitement. as the admissions officer explained Brown's requirements.

Very nice! I dont have any critiques, I really like it. Would you mind reading mine? Thanks!!!

okay, thanks much! I'll be checking out your essays and revise meanwhile (oops, it was "going to take ". xD;)


ahh, I was worried about that. Would it be better to go for honesty or prudence? I'm not sure how I could maneuver around them and keep the same effect. @_@

It's good, but like the people above said, maybe you shouldn't include the sentence about Yale and Colombia. Change it to sound more like there was no school you've encountered quite like Brown and then why.

Also:
"I'm going to such a lot of classes," I thought, I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean.

If you have some time could you read over mine? Thanks!

I like the way you approached the topic, and its very well written
Although I would advise you not to put down any other college's name.
I think that if you are applying to really strong colleges (in your case Yale, Colombia, and Brown) do not let the others know because they will eventually wonder whether they are your top choice or not. So maybe just say "other colleges" instead of naming them in particular.

and the sentence "I'm going to such a lot of classes," doesn't make a lot of sense and I think that it's grammatically incorrect

could you take a look at my UPenn supplement?

You may not want to attack Columbia and Yale. Brown and those schools may be "rivals", but it doesn't look good when you try to attack other schools who are just as prestigious. Maybe you could explain how Brown was different from other schools that you visited, and why you like those differences.

Oh, and you call them "majors". Just keep in mind that, at Brown, they call them concentrations.