"The road that lead me to Brandeis University", Originally

"You cannot create experience, you must undergo it."---Albert Camus
Losing my way in transverse lists of data and descriptions, I set my mind to pay a visit to the colleges I was interested in. There was a name on the fifth row of the school visit list, which I remember clearly till now because of the splendor I experienced there---Brandeis.

Waltham first greeted me with a brace when I lost my way few miles from the college. "My car is over there. Would you like to take my car to there?" I gain a free ride from a friendly man when I was asking for the way to school. The amity and serenity amazed me.

The touch with Brandeis University was solemn with conciseness. Leading us through the school, the guide impressed us with the school's serious and precise style. Looking into the classroom, I can saw students dedicated themselves to the research. Walking through the dorm, I can hear happy laughter in the room. In the journey, a smile always hung from the student guide 's face and a sense of proud was exuded from his words. The air of humanity encircled the school even each of its corner.

It was past twelve o'clock when we finished the tour, but the admission officers were still waiting to answer our questions. I could feel their respect for the prospective students from their great patience.

"Top notch education, humanistic care and beloved friendship in Brandeis University." Automatically, I noted the name "Brandeis" onto the top of the list on the train to Boston.

My teacher said my essay is too sentimental and I would like to ask for advice from you guys, thx

First off, I want to say that you are an excellent writer and your grammar and structure is very well organized. That alone makes your essay easy to read, but I feel that this essay may not capture the essence of why you should go there. Usually these "Why us?" essays are designed as a two way street. They want to know why you chose them, and why they should choose you. I don't think you addressed the second part of that adequately and I suggest you try to integrate more of that into the essay. That's just my opinion but I think it would help you a lot if you tried that. You're a very good writer so I have no doubt that you can.

it's nice how you've focus your interest on Brandeis campus and the people but I do agree with your teacher that it sounds too sentimental. i suggest you add with specificity why Brandeis , how does it cater to your major or want for learning. Connect the tour to you and what you want; not solely on the feeling you had when you're in the tour

and it's "...i can saw..."

Thank you for your advice! There's a word limited of 250 words and I might need to trim the description of my school visit tour if I need to add some reasons why they choose me. But I am afraid that the decrease in words will affect the sentimental appealing of the essay. Anyway, I am thankful for your advice and I will consider your advice seriously.