What is your role in your immediate family - GT Supplemental Essay

Hi, I'm applying to Georgia Tech and with the deadline fast approaching I'd like some insight on this essay. I'm currently at 161 words, which is 11 words over the limit. I'm very appreciative to all that help. Thank you!

Tech's motto is Progress and Service.

We find that students who ultimately have a broad impact first had a significant one at home. What is your role in your immediate or extended family? And how have you seen evidence of your impact on them? (150 Words Max)

Patience.

The key trait in keeping the peace between my siblings and their daily deathmatches is patience. As the "assistant parent," I'm assigned to household chores such as washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, and watching my siblings whilst my parents are at work; But, as the "referee," I'm forced to keep my brother from teasing my sister, my sister from annoying my brother, and stopping any physical altercation that threatens to emerge.

Recently, I've taken to using music as a means of intervention, specifically Jazz Rap.
After a particularly intense situation which involved tears being shed, I played one of my favorite songs "Shiki No Uta" by Nujabes for her. I told her, "If you ever feel stressed or angry, play this song to relax yourself." She thanked me, and I left her room. With college on the horizon I won't be home for long, but my hope is that this will prove to be a long-term solution while I'm away.

Overall I like the response, and I think it answers the promt. The biggest thing I noticed was that the first and second paragraphs feel very disconnected from each other. I think you need to find a way to make that transition less jarring, and make it feel less like each paragraph is meant to only answer one specific part of the promt (1st paragraph answers "What is your role..." and 2nd answers "And how have you...").

Also, in the first paragraph, the colon separating "...my parents are at work" and "But..." is weird and unnecessary. You could just say "...are at work. As the "referee"..."

Good luck!

Rodney, while I do not sense a disconnection between the first and second paragraphs because you established your role in the first paragraph while explaining your role in the second paragraph, what I find to be missing is the evidence of your impact on your siblings. The impact is one of the most important aspects of your response so you have to show how your sister was affected by your suggestion to listen to jazz rap.

What you have to do is explain the instance that led to your suggesting this method of anger management to your sister and how she has used it to avoid further altercations with the other sibling. Since you are 10 words over the limit, you will need to revise the whole essay to fix the problem. Try to shorten the explanation of your role as the "referee" and change the ending of the essay to reflect the positive impact the suggestion had on the "deathmatches" between your siblings instead.

I really like your opening sentence. It's funny, and made me want to read on.
I agree that you should focus more on the impact you made on your sister, rather than the process.
Other than that, I think you've painted yourself as the responsible, older sibling, capable of dealing with hardships.

Thank you for the suggestions, I've rewritten my essay and would like to know if it's fine now.

Patience.

The key trait in keeping the peace between my siblings and their daily deathmatches is patience. As the "assistant parent," I'm assigned to household chores such as washing dishes and cleaning the bathroom. As the "referee," I'm forced to stop any physical altercation that threatens to emerge whilst my parents are at work - which is easier said than done.

Recently, I've taken to using music as a means of intervention, specifically Jazz Rap. Report cards had released, and my brother was teasing her for getting a C in math. As she lunged at him, on the verge of tears, I told her to go to her room. I played one of my favorite songs "Shiki No Uta" by Nujabes and told her to listen to it whenever she needed to calm down. Today, when I see her angrily shut her door, I can faintly hear the opening lyrics play.