Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App

Hi people, I just want to say that I'm so glad I found this forum. :)

Anyway, I just finished my rough draft. I know it's sort of late, but.. I am a master procrastinator.

Here's a quick background story of me before reading my VERY rough essay.
I go to a top 50 high school in America, and my GPA freshmen year was ~3.2 before pulling it up to a 4.0 for both my sophomore and junior years. Yay upward trend!

Ok so, please murder this essay! Do you think I should stick with it or scrap it and write a completely new one? Is it too cliche? (it's all true though) Do I have too much dry humor? I really need a lot of feedback. Thanks a lot!

edit: I'm also applying to Michigan, and I was wondering if this would quality as the setback essay? Thanks!

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1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I am a genius. Success follows me like my shadow, never leaving my side. Am I the voice of the generation, of the decade? Probably not there yet. But a genius nevertheless.

That was my mindset entering high school. So naturally, I took it easy on my first day of class.

"I heard this course is crazy hard," said a worried student.
"Not only that, but the teacher gives insane pop quizzes!" quipped another.

I yawned. In my mind I was still in eighth grade, where I piled up "A's" without much effort and graduated at the top of my class. The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of dedication and a strong work ethic. Uninterested, I started twirling my pencil while daydreaming about the football game later that night. As class ended, the teacher yelled out, "Remember to take time and study all your notes, everyday!" Yeah, like that was going to happen.

After the first weekend, the teacher announced a pop quiz. The quiz seemed straightforward, yet as hard as I tried, the answers to these routine questions would not form themselves in my head. I managed to escape with a barely-passing grade, and shrugged if off as a fluke. Even Superman makes mistakes once in a while.

I rode my wave of indolence for the next few weeks, where my grades hovered around mediocrity. I stubbornly convinced myself high school was no different from middle school, my grades would revert back to perfection [excellence?], and I would reclaim my academic supremacy.

Then came the gust of wind I always knew, deep down, was imminent; the one that tossed me mockingly in the air a few times before slamming me back down to earth, and perhaps a bit beneath it. I do not remember the exact situation - four tests in one day, seven tests in two days, but I do remember the results: a slew of horrific grades what would make Bart Simpson proud.

I was devastated, my ego shattered. My adrenal glands bled epinephrine as I received one lousy score after another. I contemplated dropping out of [my school] and transferring into a less competitive school. I wondered if a loophole existed where I could retake my freshmen year. Maybe I could drop out and get a job at the local Shell station - seven bucks an hour, forty hours a week, four weeks a month, twelve month a year for four years. That was a solid fifty grand while others were busy pulling all-nighters finishing homework. But I knew my parents would never allow it.

Lost, I stumbled home and found my mother making dinner in the kitchen. Quiet and defeated, I conveyed my situation, pleading for guidance and desperate for forgiveness. I watched the onion soup simmering over the stove and waited for the inevitable outburst. After a moment, my mother looked at me thoughtfully and said, "You know, someday you will learn that I.Q. measures limitation, while hard work creates the limitless."

The way my mother delivered those words gave me hope that day, and those words carried a philosophy I will hold onto for the rest of my life. We live in a judging world, and I understand that wherever I go in life, people will deem me smarter or dumber than others. But I also understand that such evaluations are meaningless, that they only create inferiority complexes. That day, I began to realize what really creates success. It is waking up early to prepare for a presentation, or taking a few minutes to help out a friend. It is staying up past midnight to study for a chemistry test, or swimming extra laps to prepare for a meet. It is something I have been pushing onto myself ever since.

I love this line!


No, not at all. Indeed, it's not until college that bright students discover that whatever genius they believe themselves to have will not carry the day. Especially at colleges like Michigan, that process often leads to depression among first-year students. This shows that you've already learned this hard lesson.

You didn't murder my essay! :P

But thanks for the positive comments! I don't feel so bad about it any more lol.

I like the essay. I get complacent myself sometimes--until something comes along to kick me in the butt. The older I get, the more bruised my backside.

There were a couple of parts that I think could be improved. Here are a few thoughts:


This sentence gets wordy and redundant, especially toward the end. Tighten it up a little. Try something like: "The bell rang, and my teacher warned us of the dedication and effort expected."


Did you literally nod off to Eminem's beats? This gets a little confusing and leaves the reader with the mental image of you sneaking your iPod into class. It paints you as not merely disinterested and overconfident, but recalcitrant. Not the best image to leave an admissions counselor with even if it is in past tense. You could leave in the nodding off and the daydreaming, but I would omit the part about Eminem.


While this sentence isn't wrong, it isn't flowing very well either. How about something like this instead: I shrugged off my barely-passing grade as a fluke.


Regress isn't the right word here. Yes, it can mean to return to a previous state, but it strongly suggests backsliding, lapsing, or retreating. Regressing is not forward motion.


Reclaim.


The Edison reference isn't working for me. If you were to say that the horrific grades would make Bart Simpson proud, it would make more sense in mind, but I don't equate Thomas Edison with pride in poor grades.


Is the admissions committee going to recognize the name of your high school?


You lost me on this thought. It sounds like everyone was failing their exams, but I am sure that some were prepared for the challenge. It needs to be about you. This isn't the director's cut of a movie where you get to explain why you shot a particular scene the way that you did--make sure that audience knows what you are talking about just from the essay.


This sentence is feeling a little awkward to me. The second comma wouldn't be needed because you aren't setting up an appositive. Try something like: Lost, I stumbled home and found my mom making dinner in the kitchen.


Peer connotes equality. It is kind of like saying, "there will be equals that are smarter than me, and equals that are dumber than me." Substitute a different word--people, classmates, students.


It is unclear to me what "it" is in this sentence. Pushing onto yourself? This sentence is too vague--ten words that don't really say anything. I struggles with conclusions myself, so I understand how difficult they can be, but you need to end this on a stronger note to leave a good impression with the admissions people.

I hope that you don't feel like I murdered your essay--there is no blood anywhere, no traces of cyanide, no malice from me toward your words. Your writing is strong and you have a good grasp of grammar, but there is room for improvement. The subtleties and nuance of language can make a good essay better.

Wow, thank you so much! There might be traces of cyanide, but all in good intention. Much appreciated.


I meant that I was mentally nodding off to the beats because I didn't care for what the teacher was talking about. Should I should clarify that or completely scrap it?


Haha, I changed it to Bart Simpson myself after proof reading it. I originally thought of Edison because he dropped out of school, but I guess no one really picked up on that.


My school sends about a dozen students to ivies a year, mostly to Penn and Columbia. So at least those schools will recognize my high school. (which are two ivies I will be applying too.)


That makes sense, thanks. But what do you feel about me using smarter/dumber. Do you think I am being too blunt?


Well, I tried to leave that intentionally vague. The "what really creates success" is hard work, and the "it" is the philosophy. I will work on the closing tomorrow and see how I can fix it.

Thank you so much for your time! You are awesome!

"Ok so, please murder this essay!"

That shouldn't be a problem when you ask nicely.

First off, let me be one of the early people to clear your head of any misconception that your high school GPA should warrant more attention than a mosquito bite.

I admire your first few sentences for diverging from what is usual -- in other words for not being insipid. You seem to imply that the voice of this generation will derive from the larynx of a genius. Again, this is curious because I never thought of the ambassador for our generation as a scholar or philosopher. Anyway, we have an essay to murder.

The bell rang, and my teacher began by expressing to us the importance of trying hard and setting out what was expected of us in terms of dedication and work ethic. The original sentence was unacceptably awkward.

After the first weekend, the teacher announced a pop quiz. This is concise, and corrects your peculiar tendency of referring to the teacher as yours (my teacher), but at the same time saying "the class."

The quiz seemed straightforward, yet as hard as I tried, the answers to these routine questions would not form themselves in my head.
I changed "test" to quiz as it should be, and rearranged/rewrote the sentence to effect a change in tone from whiny and deceptive to reasonable and consistent.

"In the weeks that followed, as a continuation of ratified policy, I took precaution not to exert myself too much and my grades soon floundered. No matter I told myself, studying is for people who actually have to make an effort to do well. Stubbornly, I convinced myself to endure what could be no less than a series of aberrations; surely my grades would revert back to what I was accustomed with and I would resume my familiar position of academic supremacy."

Ok, I really lost interest here. So sorry to cut it short.

Skimming the rest of a comprehensible but otherwise deficient essay, I noted a few items of interest that bear mentioning.

The atmosphere depicted in the part about your mom cooking dinner -- it's repulsive. Parents obviously would like for their kids to do well but when they maintain what appears to be a pressurized household that inspires kids to feel sick dread over something as trivial as grades, they're failing miserably as parents who should respect and love their kids for being their kids.

Why should it matter to anyone but you what your grades are, aside from caring as a result of how it makes YOU feel?

This is probably the other unhealthy extreme that I thought was played out in movies and stories but which does evidently exist...
Really, how does I.Q. arise as a topic of discussion in a conversation with a parent? Bizarre...

Getting back on topic, your mom's reassurance in quotes at the end falls flat and sets your ending off kilter. While we are on that subject, it was just announced that your final paragraph is the consensus pick for the worst. You mean to say that that fateful day you realized people are both dumber AND smarter than you? Actually, those evaluations up to an I.Q. of about 120 can reliably predict where you'll fall on the socioeconomic ladder using aggregate data, so they may be worth more than an inferiority complex.

Discard the last two sentences categorically, unless your objective was to debase the worthy elements rumored to exist in this essay.

I recommend that you remove informal references and rewrite the final paragraph.
This is not a strong essay; if you don't have legitimate setbacks to write about, manufacture one and write about it.

Ok - now that everyone seems to have murdered the essay, here's my m-t-m to revive it a bit.
I think on the whole the essay is pretty well written, grammatically correct (mostly)and keeps the interest.
A couple of things that jarred, or didn't make sense -


This does not gel with your earlier statement -


How did you get the A's without ever studying? Even geniuses have to study, perhaps not as much as the others but they do study!


As somebody mentioned earlier, this sounds less like a genius and more like someone who is just plain lazy! Not a good or the correct impression to give the admissions committee.

I think the rest is fine. I don't know why a parent should not be concerned about a child's grades. I'm sure most kids discuss them with their parents, so I think that part is fine.

All the best!

There were large traces of blood in this one, but thank you for your input!


Well, I was recommended to write about this topic as it explains why I did poorly my freshmen year. It also shows I have changed my outlook and work ethic.

The "Voice of the generation" part was a reference to Kanye West, when he said those words in an interview. It alludes to the fact that I, not unlike Kanye West, had a huge ego which caused me to falter.


Thank you!


Hmm, I don't know what household you grew up in, but my parents would normally freak out if I brought home news of barely failing/failing seven or so tests. Asian parents (and non-asian parents, I'm sure) put stern expectations onto their children, and I don't think they are failing miserably as parents by doing that.


A valid argument, but it just does. My parents care a lot about my grades, and how well I do in school, etc. While some people think of grades as trivial, it is very important to my parents. And I'm sure it is not uncommon for parents to care about a child's grades.


Thanks.


No, I mean to say that although some people are smarter/dumber than me, it does not matter since it is hard work that really pays off in the results. But you're right, I do need to fix the ending.


Well, this essay wasn't really about a setback, but an experience. But I suppose you're right. I'll work on it.

Thank you very much.

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Moonshadow0302
Thank you! :D


What earlier statement? the "yeah like that was going to happen" part was sarcastic.


Hahaha, well, I was trying to say that middle school was a lot easier than high school, but put equal amount of effort into them. I'll fix it.

Thank you for your time. I appreciated it!

I'm not crazy about the smarter/dumber thing. It comes across as slightly childish and lacks understanding and acceptance of people as individuals with their own valuable attributes. While it is true (for the most part) that people with high IQs will be high wage earners, stratifying society based on a person's ability to take an IQ test (which is really what IQ tests test--one's ability to take an IQ test) isn't the best thing to do in a college admission essay. Of course there will always be people smarter than you and dumber than you. And even a person who would score very low on an IQ test will most likely have specialized knowledge in some area where you lack experience (it could be in stalking deer, manning a forklift, or calming an inconsolable child).

You have some valuable feedback on this thread. Mustafa was the most surgical with your essay (hence the blood flow), but his input is valuable. I have yet to have the privilege of having Mustafa comment on my essays. He can be blunt, but he knows his stuff.

I like the essay overall. You did very well in middle school because you were smart and didn't need to study. As you progressed in grade level, your grades began to slip, and you realized you needed to work hard as well if you wanted to succeed. Hopefully, your grades bear out the truth of this.

The main changes I would make, many of which have already been pointed out by others, are these:


The idea of regressing to perfection seems, as Noto said, a bit odd. Revise.


The language here is a bit too blunt. You end up sounding judgmental, with a tendency to reductive thinking. In some sense the statement is true, of course, but still.


And here you flip to the opposite extreme. They clearly are not meaningless distinctions. The difference between someone with an IQ of 110 and someone with an IQ of 100 or 120 probably isn't enough to matter as much as hard work and dedication, but the difference between 80 and 120 probably is.

A better approach may be to talk about how you realized that success comes from a mixture of factors. You need intelligence and natural ability, the raw materials, as it were, but you also need to put in the time and effort necessary to shape those materials into something useful. A large dollop of luck doesn't hurt, either.

Thanks guys. I edited my essay a bit today, with all of your input considered, of course.

We live in a judgemental world.

Based on what the other readers have said, you should probably work on your conclusion. It feels as if you are forcing it. Maybe add a transition or rewrite it to be less abrupt.

Apart from your closing, I think you have a very good essay. I like how it draws the reader with the casual voice, then slowly moves to a more serious tone.

I feel that you are moving i the right direction. Keep up the good work.

I love the way you express your emotions and the beginning of the essay is really good and captivating. I like it a lot!

and those words carried a philosophy I began to hold onto for the rest of my life.

Here's the thing that bugged me the most, but nearly all your sentences start with "I" which gets quite repetitive and overall detracts from your story you're trying to tell. Vary it a bit!

I still think you need something to make it shine, a lot of kids go through what you did. You have to ask yourself how was your change unique?

Hope that helped!

* Please look over my stuff to! Look for "The Homeless" and "Buchenwald"!! Thanks in advance!!!