college essay introduction
I carefully pulled back on each strand, ensuring that I was firm yet delicate, before releasing them into the stars. I love rubber bands. In fact, I had always found them fascinating. I admired their tenacity. As I showed my latest rubber band launcher to my grade school friends, a sense of fulfillment would overcome me. More than just actions, I resonated with rubber bands on a personal level. Like rubber bands, I was flexible: willing to do whatever the crowd would. Like rubber bands, I was always comfortable and resistant to change. Like rubber bands, I too became brittle over time. But, in sophomore year, as I walked into my physics classroom for the first time, I felt as though the elasticity within me had been vacuum sealed forever. Because although I had always been brittle, flexible, and resistant to change like rubber bands, I adopted a new trait: resilience - a trait that would change my life forever.
Above is the introduction to my college essay. I am considering scrapping the whole thing as I was told that extended metaphors are oversaturated and rarely good + not worth the risk. Any feedback would be appreciated. Tear it apart pls :)
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I find the paragraph to be highly redundant and lacking in focus. There is too much emphasis on the rubber bands in relation to your descriptors. The rubber bands are not the applicants for the program, so limit the mention. You could still use these metaphors throughout the essay if you wish. They would make good paragraph anchors, creating an imaginative application essay on your part. Revise the presentation format rather than scrapping the whole paragraph. There is no problem with the content of what you wrote, it is the presentation aspect that needs to be improved. Try writing a revised version. One that spreads out the metaphors so that you achieve a more personal presentation.