I have the tufts supplement due tonight. It has an optional essay part. I need help reviewing/editing it. Please give any suggestion/correction or critique. And as always, BE BRUTAL. :)
Prompt : 3) Celebrate your nerdy side. (250 - 500 words)
Modern science has changed the way we perceive life and nature. The theory of Evolution has long inspired my grey-cells and left me daydreaming for hours. It makes my love for Biology deeper still. The theory has inspired me to write this poem which shows how all of us are the progeny of a bundle of organic chemicals that suddenly came to life billions of years ago.
I sit here in the park on my favourite tree,
Inspired by this famous theory
Which says that you, me and all of us
Come from a ball as small as a speck of dust.
Cells, as they call it, are what we are talking about
Formed eons ago in a primordial soup of organically rich compounds.
Certainly odd, don't you think?
How this 'ball' suddenly came to life...
First came the R, then the NA, and that's how you get RNA
But no one liked it as much as the all time popular DNA.
Natural Selection they say was the cause of this sudden change,
Making the Rs less common but giving the Ds much of a gain.
Cell division and expansion gave rise to numerous cells,
That covered our planet in numbers no one could tell.
First came Prokayotes, Chemooautotrophs and others with fancy names
And some of them exist, even till this very day!
Time goes on but things move slow,
So do not get any more bored.
Let's move on and forward the clock
Tick-tock, tick-tock and here we stop.
Few million years have now passed
And our cells have worked very hard,
Picking up many new traits
The Cyanobacteria, we call them, know to reduced water straight.
But oops! They did it again,
The cells have made a big mistake.
The oxygen they produce as waste product from water
Will kill them without telling them about the matter.
So new cells rise and life moves on
In the race of evolution, Eukaryotes have certainly won.
They give rise to multicellularity and reproduction
That have sped up the rate of evolution.
The accumulated oxygen dissolves iron in the oceans and lakes
Forming iron ore that allows us to construct buildings great.
The ozone layer now allows the life
To start colonizing the lands without any plight.
So come the Fungi and the Alga
Followed by the Porifera and Antozoa.
Life keeps becoming complex still
The evidence we see in the fossils.
Fish rule the seas, Aves dominate air
Leaving the Reptiles and Mammals with the lands to care.
The timeline adds more groups and classes
And our Classification Table of living keeps growing like wild grasses!
So where do we come? You may ask
But solving this confusion of cells and tables was not an easy task
We are Homo Sapiens of the class Primate
Who believe that we run the entire Planet.
But let me remind you what we are inside -
Not only are we siblings of the same origin but a mere assortment of same cells packed tight. (506 words)
How well do you think this answers the prompt? I probably cannot show my love for Biology in any other way. It didn't turn out exactly as I had planned, but I'm still happy with it. Please tell me what you fell? Thanks a ton! :) I'll help back definitely.
Hi Sidharth. This is so relevant to me. It made me smile!
1) My guess is that the admissions committee will skim this quickly. Probably because it is more factual than anything. That's great though; they ask for your nerdy side, and you do express it in a creative manner.
2) Since this is optional, I think it will add so much strength to your application. Clearly this took some thought to write, and it shows in your careful editing and rhyming. I don't see anything that I would change, except (if you have time), you may want to make it a little more "playful" if you know what I mean. This will keep the ad. com. reading every word, instead of skipping facts. This brings out even more creativity.
I love your last sentence. It makes me feel warm and mushy inside, haha.
Great job! I sincerely hope you get in. Thanks for reading mine!
Honestly, the approach is perfectly fine and is great! In terms of "celebrate," making a poem fits that description better than what most standard writing could accomplish. Needless to say, the poem illustrates a really quirky side to your love for biology, and I personally would remember this more than others I believe!
The only real critique I have is the flow of the poem; with such length words sometimes, maybe you could cut some? I read it out loud, and sometimes it was a little interesting to follow, so yeah that's it from me ^^.
Could you review my UChicago essay? It's due tonight :X.
I think the idea behind it is great, but it is kind of detailed and runs a little on the long side.
I really don't know if that's a bad or a good thing, but if the admissions officer doesn't really care for biology, wouldn't he/she just be bored by it?
What do other people think?
I'm new at this stuff. :X
This is cute! I'm actually doing the same prompt for my Tufts Essay, it's so fun.
It's obvious that you have a knack for words and rhyming, something that will be enduring to the admissions office. It is a bit long, but it's their job to read it all. Maybe incorporating
"Time goes on but things move slow,
So do not get any more bored."
I think the above lines are irrelevent because they don't rhyme very well and don't add anything to the story. If you need two lines to keep up the pattern of the poem, I would think of something different. Good luck, I hope you get in to Tufts!
ANY MORE REVIEWS pls???? Would certainly help back! :)
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!!!! lol. I am science person myself and I could sense your passion for science through each stance. I think that it may be a little bit on the lengthy side (is it 250 words?) but other than that I like it!
Good luck! And thank you for reading my essay. I actually had to quote a lot.
since this is optional , i think admissions committee will deeply understand your love for biology!
Make it creativity/short and interesting
Just for a supplement essay this is great!!
Thanks for ur review~ =D
I believe this poem will grab readers' attention! I like it! The last part is amazing~
But I'm not the only one who think it's too long. it'll be better to make it concise, and the theme and thoughts will be more clear~
great imagery! i thought the essay was to the point and done eloquently! sonya has several great points and i couldnt agree with her more
Sorry I haven't been able to reply! It looks like I'm too late BUT I wouldn't change a word of this essay :) great job! I'll check out your other thread now.