tufts second optional essay: house of cards

HOUSE OF CARDS
The crowd was so quiet; I could feel the tension mounting. I had begun to sweat profusely, as I realized that this was the last question. I was one question away from winning the international biology Olympiad. "I have to win this" I thought to myself. Everyone was counting on me.

Guy asks question:
"I know this!" I said to myself. I just had to press the buzzer. Just then, I heard a familiar sound. It took me a while to realize that my opponent had already pressed the buzzer. "I had failed" I thought to myself. Everyone would be talking about this tomorrow. As I walked into my room later that day, I felt like my life was about to end.

"Clean the attic!" said my mom as she entered the room. "That would get my mind off all of my misery" I thought to myself. As I cleaned the attic, I knocked over a cardboard box. Inside the box was an uncompleted house made of cards. Making a house of cards used to be my favorite past time. However, I got easily frustrated because the cards kept falling off. I kept the box in a corner and continued to clean the attic. When I was done, I took the box to my room. "Maybe I should complete this" I said, thinking out loud.

Although I have not yet completed my house of cards, it has thought me a valuable lesson. Life is a house of cards. Although some cards may fall off you have to pick them back up and complete your house. Everyone faces road-blocks at various times of their lives. Losing the Olympiad competition was one of those road-blocks. Our ability to escape and overcome these road-blocks makes us a successes or failures.

"Mum! Look what I found!" shouted my daughter, about thirty years later. It was my completed house of cards. Smiling to myself, I reached out for the cardboard box. My house had been completed and all my dreams had been achieved.

what do u guys think??

What a creative ending!

"Our ability to escape and overcome these road-blocks makes us a successes or failures."
^ How true. I suppose I was expecting something about bouncing back from failures, but I like that you wrote about coping* with failures.

I was confused when you knocked over the box with the house of cards inside. Why would a house of cards be inside a box, and how come the house didn't collapse when you knocked into the box?

Are you a transfer applicant? The deadline for Tufts was January 4th.

I had begun to sweat profusely when I realized that this was the last question. --- just an idea, not necessarily better.

use a comma:
"I have to win this," I thought to myself.
you can use italics, too:
I have to win this, I thought to myself.

"I had failed" I thought to myself.
"I failed," I thought to myself.

This is very thoughtful and nice. If you give it an introduction paragraph that explains that the essay will be about an insight that came from contemplating a house of cards after a disappointing experience, the rest o the essay will be easier for the reader to understand.

Use a comma for the compound sentence:
My house had been completed, and all my dreams had been achieved.

:-)