As I stood on the threshold of the airport, I contemplated the step I was about to make. I'd made it countless times before, but by now this hesitation had become a sort of ritual, a reaffirmation of the choice I was making. Behind me lay complacency; I could go back to my secure home in LA and live a normal, average life as a normal, average American. In front of me towered the gray, uncertain Moscow, with its mass of contradictions, its chaos and corruption evident in everyday life. I knew that out there, I would see the people close to me facing the societal problems, systemic failure, and uncertainty about the future that are not nearly as well hidden as in my California suburbia.
As I grew up, I traveled between Russia and America more times than I could count, never spending more than two consecutive years in either. And while lately it has only been two-month visits for summer vacation, the problems I see hit me deeply. Whether it is seeing the militia occasionally stop a car to demand bribes or the isolation and lack of patriotism I see in the people, it can be terrifying, and unlike my friends, I only spend summers there. With one step, I could easily just turn my back on this chaos and the difficulty I face every year re-assimilating two cultures as distinct as night and day. Go back to America and forget this constant conflict.
Then, my thoughts turn to long afternoons leisurely spent relishing the works of Pushkin with a traditional cup of tea, one cultural nuance that has survived the chaos. The fierce determination to survive and passion for life I see in the eyes of my friends despite their being robbed of opportunities or safety from the very police supposed to protect them. Here, in chaotic, post-Soviet Russia, I have been part of a society that has pulled through and thrived, that still has a culture and history that resonate through the stones.
However, it's not the gift of being able to read Chekhov and Dostoyevsky in the original language, or the cultural diversity and global viewpoint it affords me that draws me here year after year. It's the people, the resilience and life they possess, and the way they taught me the value of perseverance that truly makes me proud to call myself Russian- even when so many Russians are not as proud.
America gave me the confidence and opportunities to pursue my dreams, but Russia gave me something to work for, and the mindset to always go on no matter what. I look at the foggy city in front of me and think, "one day, I'll make this better." I was never one to take the easy road out. Do I dare disturb the Universe? I stepped on the uneven ground and moved forward.
all right- my main worry is that it's too generic- do I need more examples? How about authenticity? and if you spot any grammar or sentence mistakes, please let me know. also, does it flow well? thank you! (and maybe the bit about the Russian authors sounds too standoffish?)
I look at the foggy city in front of me and think, "one day, I'll make this better."
I look at the foggy city in front of me and think, "One day, I'll make this better."Grammar error aside, I really liked it. Most people (including myself) have no idea what Russia is like in the current day; I thought that you brought in your culture pretty well into it, I definitely wouldn't be able to come up with anything like that and wouldn't worry about it being generic. I liked the bit about the Russia authors, that too brought the culture into it and is relevant to your points. Just curious too, but where will this be sent to?
I did CommonApp essay too, but what was the full prompt of the bicultural question again? (I did Topic of Choice)
I LIKE IT
Thank you! I have had so much trouble with this main essay, it's a relief to see that it's finally close to completion.
The prompt was: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.
Your essay is good, but you should get to the point quicker. The admissions officers do not want to have to guess what you are writing about. Your conclusion should be your first sentence then go onto your anecdote. Then when you get to the end elaborate more. One more thing, you did not answer the last two parts of your prompt. Try talking about how this acquired characteristics from these experiences will contribute to a college community. Good luck.
Help me on mine please.
Not a problem; your story made it powerful, I'm just here to read.
Also, "two-month" should probably just be "two month," no need for the dash. Hope it helps!
also, I am applying to NYU, Stanford, UChicago, Pomona, USC, and Pepperdine- aiming high, I know...:)
Honestly, I think it's very well written. I would be a little cautious with the whole 'America has made my dreams come true' because it is a tad cliche. Furthermore, I'm sure the AO has read lots of applications concentrating on just that-- immigrant experiences from politically unstable countries. Other than that, it's very good. I would highlight the Russian culture part even more because it is unique to you. Out of however many applicants your schools will get, I don't think there will be too many Russian-American ballerinas.
Good luck & thanks for going over my essay!
In my opinion you should not use abbreviations I think it would be more formal to write I would than I'd. Also you should put Los Angeles not LA. In the second paragraph I do not understand "travel between Russia and America", you should change that.
"Whether it is seeing the militia occasionally stop a car to demand bribes or the isolation and lack of patriotism I see in the people, it can be terrifying, and unlike my friends, I only spend summers there. " what do you mean by there? America or Russia? You should specify.
You should try reading it out loud to see if you can change something else. And in my opinion it would fit "ethical dilemma you have faced". Hope this helps :)
Thanks for the advice- but overall does it flow well? and is it interesting? and wait, should I write more or less formally?
You're welcome :) I think it flows well, but you should explain why you had to constantly be moving, I think you did not. It should be formal, but by changing the abbreviations I think it will be fine. :)
Go back to America and forget this constant conflict.
Incorporate this into another one of your sentences, it's only a sentence fragment and does not make sense on it's own.Overall, good job, I enjoyed reading your essay - you have a nice style of writing. However, try reading your essay out loud to yourself and go over some of the sentences that sound awkward or where the grammar doesn't sound exactly right.
If you use the abbreviation LA, make sure you write it
L.A.Also, maybe try make your middle paragraphs flow a little better, it's a little bit disconnected as you jump from one to the next. However, I really loved your last two concluding paragraphs - they were excellently written and left a strong message.
Great job, and good luck! (: It'd be much appreciated if you could take a look at my williams and/or brown responses!
