Rutgers: volunteering diversity

Required Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

From the moment we take our first step till we speak our first word, we're offered chances. Chances to do it right the first time, or to work on it till we do. At nine years old, I didn't realize the greatness in the opportunity of coming to the USA. The risk that my family took by leaving their life behind in India to grant me and my brother our best future, has currently made me the extraordinary person I am today. The steps I took to reach where I am included different people, events, and little special moments. My family is the one thing that has been there through all the steps to encourage me to perform to my best ability and to never give up. Specifically, when I had gotten into my first accident within a week of getting my license, I like many was still in shock and gained a fear of driving in the future. But when my dad forced me to drive to the location of its occurrence the same night of, he taught me how mishaps occur unexpectedly and uncontrollably. But most importantly, he helped me find courage inside myself and assisted me in reaching the point of fearless. From then on, I've seen the world in a different perspective in which each day could be a new beginning. Thus, I have done the most I can to make a difference with volunteering at hospitals, gyms, senior citizen homes to keeping my grades up and lastly, enjoying each moment. Volunteering at Robert Wood Johnson Hospital was worth more than the hours I was required and the friends I got to see. As I helped out in the Cancer institution, I firsthand saw the struggles of the patients to simply just live another day and their joy in being surrounded by family and friends. At first, the atmosphere seemed to be too gloomy and dark but the chance to make their last days unforgettable and incomparable was a chance of a lifetime. It was a great experience to being able to help those in need. I believe Rutgers University will be as much as an advantage to me as I will be to the university itself. My willingness to help those around me is something I hope to spread throughout the Rutgers community. Rutgers will allow me to flourish and succeed in a larger sense of volunteering. It'll grant me the opportunity to spread my ideas to those unfortunate around the world with its outstanding study abroad program. But most importantly, Rutgers is the university which will help make me the best I can be.

Any help or advice will be appreciated. I feel its the weakest of the essays i've written yet=/. Characters- 2,397. Thank you!

Priyanka, this essay requires a lot of corrections and is, I'm afraid, very weak.
1. Intro: I think the intro was very lame and something that didn't explain anything.
2.


Please explain. This is very vague and somewhat shows, that leaving India was great. By the way, Indians are doing great all over.... so you need to say, how? How has coming to US helped?

3.


Once again, very vague. What was the experience. See, the parts that would reveal the character within you have have been omitted by you. There is no outline, which I can draw from this sentence. Z can write this line, X can write it, Y can write.... does that mean all of them are different? You have to write how!

4.


The grammar is incorrect here. When I had my first accident, within the very first week of getting my license, I was in a shocked, to say the least. I feared driving... so on.

Personal note, I had an accident within the first week to. Yet, I think there are better things to say to admission committee than negative. The shade of character, you show is negative. I mean, it maybe important to you but this admission essay and its a competition. So, reflect your weakness with tact and don't bring them in the limelight.

Also, let's see some research on college. What major you intent to take and how does that make you a different person. Your goals and everything can be mentioned. Then drop a line in the end saying, I wish to be a part of XYZ research in Rutgers which will.... so on. This shows, you took pains to read their site and are truly passionate about this college.

Hope this helps and Best of Luck. :)

Hi thank you donrocks. Reading your comments have actually revoked me to write a new essay. The whole essay indeed was very weak, so I'm going to focus on other elements and post my revised essay sometime later tonight. Thank you again.

Growing up with a dominant south Asian background, I have always kept my roots close to my heart. Although I grew up mostly in America, my parents have done a great job in finding the medium between the American and Hindu customs. I've grown up accepting different aspects from each varying from food, religious holidays, and fashion. Food ranging from samosas to traditional Italian dishes and from wearing saris to skirts, I've been fortunate enough to live the best of both worlds. But it didn't stop there as my family celebrated holidays such as Christmas, Diwali and Thanksgiving.

I hope this was a much better improvement. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you=] Still thinking of an ending sentence. Any suggestions would be nice.

I am impressed with the speed you have revamped the essay but.... it needs more work. Definitely, there is a lot of improvement. The thought is better and there is an effort in each line visible. You have worked hard over this, but take a day or so to rework always.

It should like it has come from heart and not by thinking and thinking.
PTS....
1)


The part of essay before this very bad. But, from here the essay climbs up and nicely. This part is good and well- written. But, more work is needed on the above paras. Raksha Bandhan is falling misfit. Its been stretched too long. Keep it short or of two lines maximum.

Keep the limelight on how you are an Indian from heart and embraced American ways of living also. So, basically you are a product of 2 cultures. That would show you as a interesting person.

Please DO NOT OMIT YOUR WORK EXPERIENCE. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF YOU. Robert hospital should be clearly mentioned.
Rutgers part is very good and nicely written.
Finally, the last para is not good at all. You need to end it better. Something more "wild". You must portray lots of spunky, wacky, hardworking and honest character which would round of things nicely.

Read some essays on the Forum and review them, so that you gain some writing practice and some good inspirational idea.
Do take my review as an incentive to work harder. This is better but still not up for admission. Hope this helps... :)

It will be good if the essay can get focused on a single idea.
But it didn't stop there as my family celebrated holidays such as Christmas, Diwali and Thanksgiving. (Right after this sentence, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that expresses an idea that is the MAIN IDEA you want the reader to remember.This will be the most important sentence of the essay.)

Does that seem like a good idea? You can have your own style; my way is not necessarily better. But it will help the reader to focus on your message, something memorable.