"I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note

Hello, as I said in my previous threads Im from Colombia, therefore my first language is not english, thus my grammar is so so so bad! ... please be very critical with my grammar all that you can , and please tell me if the subject of the note for my roommate is good or if I have to change the subject or issue completly.

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.Here is:

"I'm a salsa student; actually, I come from the capitol world of Salsa, Cali-Colombia, so I can teach you the Salsa Caleńa. I Love read, cook, walk through nature, ride bicycle and I'm a caretaker of nature I can`t stand pollution, and things which are against the nature, I love meet people around the world, I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org where our objective is show, guide and help the travelers that come to our city, I've been accommodating some people around the world in my house, sharing a lot of things like foods, languages, cultures, dances, etc and learning things about their tastes, for example I already know that people from Europe doesn't like chocolate with cheese, but in my country we love it as breakfast thus I don't offer them choclate with cheese in the breakfast when they are staying in my house. For that I'm easygoing with people that has other cultures different than mine, thus I'm sure that you and I will have a great experience in our room.

I'm a person that like take challenges in my life, I like do different things each day, I think that the stuff that we have in our room reveals our personality, for example if you see my actual room you'd see things about nature, awards, nature's picture and lot of things that will reveals you that I'm member of a Scout's Association.

We could do extreme sports, I love it. As I told you I like take challenges, and the extreme sports are for me, for you too?

I'm anxious to meet you for do things as cooking the typical food from your country, and from my country, for you can teach me things about your culture, your language and your tastes.

I'll be more than your roommate; I'm dispose to be your friend, your trust person. I'm sure that you and I will have a good relationship."

Thanks a lot in advance.

When I see this, I see many sentences crushed together. Don't be afraid to make shorter sentences! Sometimes, by dividing long sentences into shorter ones, ideas can flow much more smoothly.

So, here, I would rephrase the sentence:
"I love to meet people around the world; I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org, where I guide the travelers that visit our city. I've accommodated foreign people in my house, sharing foods, languages, cultures, and dances. Through the variety of people, I learned about their tastes; for example, people from Europe don't enjoy chocolate with cheese while my countrymen savor it as breakfast."

I took a few unnecessary ideas and words out. Remember to focus on your main idea.

In the first line, you capitalize 'love' unnecessarily.


Agreed!! Holy moly, that is a lot of sentences crushed together.

Every paragraph should have one main idea.
I love to read, cook, walk through nature, and ride my bicycle. I'm a caretaker of nature, and I can`t stand pollution or things which are against the nature. --- this is one paragraph. Add sentences that are about nature.

Start a new paragraph:
I love to meet people around the world, I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org where our objective is show, guide and ....experience in our room.--- this is a good paragrpah, because it is all about one subject: culture.

Okay... here is the important point. When you write the essay, establish a theme at the start: salsa dancing. When you talk about these other things, talk about them by showing what they have in common with salsa dancing. Make it so that your whole life is like dancing in a way. This is how to keep a theme throughout the essay.

Know what I mean? The trick is to make the essay clever by showing how you can discuss all these things in terms of salsa. As it is right now, it seems like a list of facts instead of an essay, but you can use salsa as a "unifying theme."

Thanks everybody , Im going to fix it.