Please give constructive criticism! Also it is 8 words over limit so please tell me what doesn't fit/should be cut out to fit the word limit! Prompt: "What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?"
Massive, glitzy shards of enamel and rhinestone seemed to leap off the wall at me, assaulting my eyes in a visage of bold color and fierce attitude. I was at the North Carolina Museum of Art, standing there tiny and plain under the empowering gaze of the three African-American women that towered above me. All around me were the expected works, the plain, pretentious sculptures and the dry still-life pieces, but this unapologetic caricature of the modern woman had stolen my gaze. I stood there for a half-hour, taken aback by something that looked more at place in a Harlem cafe than a renowned art museum, snapping a quick picture before scuttling away to rejoin my class. This picture of Three Graces by Mickalene Thomas would remain my phone background for over a year, never failing to elicit bemused comments from friends. I tried to convey with wild gestures and zooms of the camera the emboldening power of the piece, but always fell short. The painting that had seemed so overwhelmingly audacious when I stood before it looked so lifeless when reduced to that tiny, one-dimensional picture. I became preoccupied with the inescapable struggle: conveying the power of a moment through the filmy medium of the secondhand. And here I am, tackling it yet again. How can I show you, the reader, the piece that I found so shockingly beautiful when reduced to the medium of the written word? I like to think that I am like the Three Graces, bold and complex, refusing to be made one-dimensional by a flat canvas that does not do me justice. I too have my jutting rhinestones, my broken colors, and my bold personality that does not always fit perfectly into the still room around me. All I can do is describe my picture, and hope you see as I do.
Taylor, the first thing that I noticed about this essay was that although you presented a very detailed description of the painting that you say, you remained on the technical aspect of its description and your reaction to it. Instead of remaining on this superficial level, you should have tried to explain how you felt the minute that you saw the picture. Aside from standing mesmerized, your brain was telling you something, your emotions were reacting to the images before you. That is what you should have immediately tried to present in the essay. No, there is no possible way that you cannot explain what you were seeing and experiencing. There is a way and you have to find it because the essay is not about abstract feelings, it is about your reaction to art. This essay wants to know if you have the mindset of an artist and how it emerged in your personality to lead you towards the major of your choice.
I tried to convey with wild gestures and zooms of the camera the emboldening power of the piece, but always fell short.
- Fall short if you must, but detail why this painting unsettled, surprised, or challenged you.Try to discuss the painting from the point of view of being surprised by seeing the painting. That is a keyword that I found in your current version of the essay that I feel will help you better express the way the painting affected you. By doing that, you will be able to put your thoughts, emotions, and sentiments into words. No matter how hard, you must describe the feelings. Otherwise, you are not truly answering the prompt.
