Im writing my personal essay for the common app. The limit is 650 words and mine is around 740 so i also need to condense it a bit. Any help would be great.
Heres the prompt:
Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.
I've always wanted to change the world. When I was around 8 or 9 years old, my family and I visited -----, my parent's home country. We were driving through the streets one night and I remember looking out the window. Everywhere I'd look I'd see homeless people lying around together or around a small fire. I'd see filth and trash littered everywhere. Power grids for entire neighborhoods would randomly go down. I turned to my cousin and asked him, "Why is it like this here?" He thought for a second and then replied, "There simply aren't enough things for people to share equally". After getting back to their apartment we realized that the power in their area was also down. My cousin motioned at me and told me to come up to the roof with him. Getting to the roof he told me to come lay down with him. At this point I was very confused. If he was tired why didn't he just lay down on his comfortable mattress inside? My curiosity won over and I went to lie down next to him. I was instantly dumbfounded. A countless amount of little sparkling lights were scattered across the dark sky. My cousin looked at my astonished face and said, "Each of those lights is a star like our sun." I looked at him surprised. There's no way. Does he think I'm a kid or something? I've seen stars before back home. These ones are too bright and they're too many. I looked back up as he continued talking. He went on about all the amazing things we could find up there; the countless resources and energy sources just waiting to be taped into...and well I started to lose interest at this point. We sat there gazing up at the stars for quite a long time before eventually being called back inside. I was just a child at that time but I was definitely hooked. The next few years were filled with me obsessing over all things space. My parents lent me some support. They took me to the Adler Planetarium and also the National Air and Space Museum. These visits were like kindling for my fire. But eventually, my parents and all other adults started telling me the same thing: "you have a wonderful imagination, but now try to focus on some realistic goals." No thank you. I knew that eventually I'll find some way to use my passion and save the world.
When it comes to saving the world, looking up to the sky is not always the first response, though it really should be. One of the most practical things that would come from the launch of a new space program would be the accelerated advancement of technology. For example simply look back at the Space Race of the 1960's. In this technological race to the moon NASA developed the basis for revolutionary new technologies. Things such as the GPS, satellite communications, and personal laptop all exist thanks to the technological breakthroughs back then. Now imagine if we had to try for a longer trip. There would be no limits to the things we might build.
So technology is one aspect, the second biggest would be resources. The rate at which we use our non-renewable resources is amazingly exponential. We need alternatives fast. The answer could lie in the asteroids above. A lot of asteroids are actually extremely dense with carbon. These can be burned for huge amounts of fuel. But there are also ways to obtain green energy such as through nuclear reactors. The biggest problem with that is getting rid of the radioactive waste. If better technology made going up into space more cost-effective then we could store this waste somewhere harmless such as on the moon or on other natural satellites.
Finding new resources, creating green energy, advancing our technology, these are all very practical ways to benefit from a restarted space program. But I want to think bigger. One of our biggest problems is over-population. So why not send people to a planet such as Mars to colonize? Re-train the homeless or jobless for a colonization mission to Mars. This would as a plus create hundreds of new jobs as well. Of course all this now seems like quite a science fiction leap, but it only takes one small step for a man to make a giant leap for mankind.
Abdeali, it would be in the best interest of your essay if you would place your problem or thesis for response somewhere within the first paragraph of your essay. Normally, the thesis prompts are placed at the start in order to create an interesting hook for the reviewer. In this case, I do not believe that the reviewer will be reeled in by your story from when you where 8 years old. It is actually because of that long story that your essay has gone over the word count. without it, your essay will not only be shorter, but it will also offer you an opportunity to better discuss the problem that you want to solve.
I like the concept of solving the overpopulation of the world through the colonization of Mars. I believe that you should make that paragraph your first paragraph. That way you present an actual problem and then spend the rest of the essay expounding upon the possible solutions that you creatively thought of. That one paragraph presented a multitude of problems and solutions that are sure to benefit mankind.
What are the most pressing problems that all nations of the world face? Over population and unemployment. With your plan, you actively discuss a current problem and present a highly creative solution to the two situations. Overpopulated? Let's figure out how to colonize a planet. Unemployment? Let's retrain the jobless for future work as Mars colonizers. Wow! Now that would really make for an interesting essay. I am almost sure that it will be an essay that the reviewer will remember among the piles of essays that he will have to read.
You don't really need to present that very thorough background about the development of your love for space and space exploration. That aspect of your current essay actually takes up more than 80% of the paper. Just skip that paragraph and use it to present the problems and solutions that you creatively thought of. I assure you it will not only improve the paper, but it will also create the captivating hook that you need to interest the reviewer in what you have to say.
@vangiespen
Thank you for your feedback. I like the idea you suggested of moving the Mars thing as my first paragraph. The only problem is that I've been told many times that this essay is supposed to sound very personal as well as answer the prompted question. Without my little background anecdote at the start im not sure how else I can make solving this very general problem more personal for myself.
Abdeali, the main problem is that you start the story from when you were 8 years old. The problem that you want to solve is a real world adult problem. I always say that any story that happened to you before you hit high school will be hard to sell to the reviewer. It is hard to make the reviewer believe in the kind of influence and impact that the story made on you because you were simply too young to be that profoundly affected by it.
If you want to use that story for the background, then bring your age up from 8 to 15. That is the age when a child normally starts being strongly influenced by the things that he sees and experiences in life. This is the age when these sorts of experiences, such as your visit to your parent's country ends up creating an impact on the child that makes him wish to change the the world. That is another thing, the experience that you had with your parents mostly covers the power outage plaguing the city. I would rather you omit that and instead, focus on the trip to the rooftop and how it made an impact on you. Remember, the impact should be from the point of view of a teenager who understand what is being discussed with him. Not a child who will tend to forget what was said.
The story about the influence of that visit should be at the bottom part of the essay not at the beginning. I already explained why the Mars story should be at the top in the previous thread so I won't repeat it here. I will however, offer a suggestion as to how you can transition into that story from the Mars plot. Here is a sample transition:
I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. I know it can change the world. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent a fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home when my parents and I went to visit him and his parents in (country name).
From that point you can open a new paragraph and tell the story, skipping the electricity shortage to save on word count and keep the essay on point. I hope my suggestion helps :-)
@vangiespen
Your suggestions were very helpful. I tried my best to implement as much of them as i could and fortunately i also got my word count down to 638. Here's my new copy, tell me what you think?
When it comes to saving the world, looking up to the sky is not always the first response, though it really should be. The most pressing problem that every nation on Earth faces is a lack of resources. This mainly is caused by the exponential growth of population and unemployment rates. But what if countries come together on a project that could possibly solve both these problems? This is where I suggest a Mission to Mars. With a restarted space program we could send hundreds of thousands of unemployed to Mars in the hopes of colonizing the planet. Of course we'd have to re-train the homeless or jobless for this mission; but this retraining effort would only create hundreds of new jobs. Though this whole idea might seem a little far-fetched there are things that we are easily achievable right now with a fresh new interest in space exploration.
One of the most practical things that would come from the launch of a new space program would be the accelerated advancement of technology. For example simply look back at the Space Race of the 1960's. In this technological race to the moon NASA developed the basis for revolutionary new technologies. Things such as the GPS, satellite communications, and personal laptop all exist thanks to the technological breakthroughs back then. Now imagine if we had to try for a longer trip to Mars. There would be no limits to the things we might build.
So technology is one aspect, the second biggest would be resources. Of course going to Mars there would be whole lot of new resources available, but most of those will be needed in the efforts of Martian colonization. But one place we can look at is in the asteroids above. A lot of asteroids are extremely dense with carbon. These can be burned for huge amounts of fuel. But there are also ways to obtain green energy such as through nuclear reactors. The biggest problem with that is getting rid of the radioactive waste. If better technology made going up into space more cost-effective then we could store this waste somewhere harmless such as on the moon or on other natural satellites.
I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. I know it can change the world. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent a fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home when my parents and I went to visit him and his parents in Pakistan.
When I was around 14 years old, my family and I visited Pakistan, my parent's home country. We were driving through the streets one night and I remember looking out the window. Everywhere I'd look I'd see homeless people lying around together or around a small fire. I'd see filth and trash littered everywhere. Power grids for entire neighborhoods would randomly go down. My cousin noticed the sad look on my face. Getting back to their house, my cousin motioned at me and told me to come up to the roof with him. Getting to the roof he told me to come lay down with him. Looking up I was instantly dumbfounded. A countless amount of little sparkling stars were scattered across the dark sky. He saw the awe on my face and knew that this wasn't something I got to see every night back at my own home. We sat there gazing up at the stars for quite a long time before eventually being called back inside. After that night I knew that somehow I would leave my mark on humanity, after all it only takes one small step for a man to make a giant leap for mankind.
After reconsidering the requirements of the prompt, I believe that I can't really see why this topic is of a personal importance to you. Why do you want to save the world? It just seems like this is such a broad solution to the problem of the power grid going down in your cousin's hometown. Perhaps a more achievable solution should be looked into since the problem that you wish to address is more earth based than anything else?
The portion about your trip to the rooftop just did not connect with the first part of the essay, which is why I found myself thinking that maybe this is not the right story to use in response to the prompt. Don't you have a previously solved problem that you can relate instead? Maybe an ethical dilemma instead? Or perhaps an intellectual challenge? Something that you can better relate to?
I know that you want to use the Mars story as a form of response to a research query, but unless there is a way that we can create a believable personal importance for your idea, the two parts of your essay are just disconnected. I think it is because you decided to skip the part about your cousin talking about what the skies hold for us. In my mind, as I read your essay, it seems that talk would help us to better develop that personal connection.
Here is an idea, can you revise the last part of your essay to include the part about your cousin talking about the sky and stuff? If you can do that, post it here and I'll help you reorganize the paper so that we can create that personal connection that is lacking now. I have an idea as to how to do it. I just need you to organize the essay first. I hope you'll be agreeable to doing that :-)
I finally got a chance to revisit this essay. I added a new part and moved some things around but my word count is at 765. Could someone also help me bring it down to 650? Id appreciate it thank you.
When I was around 13 years old, my family and I visited Pakistan, my parent's home country. Driving through the streets one night, I remember looking out the window and seeing homeless people gathered around a small fire surrounded by filth and trash. Power grids for entire neighborhoods would be down rendering families without heat or light. My cousin noticed the sad look on my face. Getting back to their house, my cousin motioned at me and led me to the roof. He told me to come lay down with him. I was a little skeptical at first but as I looked up I was instantly dumbfounded. Numerous little sparkling stars were scattered across the dark sky. The awe on my face made it obvious that this wasn't something I got to see every night back at my own home. We sat there gazing up at the stars for what seemed like a lifetime before returning inside.
The next few years were filled with me obsessing over all things space. Hours of my day were spent researching. I would go outside every night and just look up at the sky in hopes of seeing the same beautiful star lit sky I had once witnessed. I had no doubt in my mind that I was definitely going to be an astronaut. But there was one major obstacle with this: adults. Every adult, from parents to teachers, told me the same thing: "you have a wonderful imagination but try to focus on some real career choices". My parents once told me that I needed to start being practical with my career choices. "The world needs doctors, not astronauts. You need to get your head out of the sky and come back to earth." It crushed me but my undying determination prevented me from giving up on the one thing I spent every waking moment obsessing over.
When it comes to saving the world, looking up to the sky is not always the first response, though it really should be. A problem that every nation on Earth faces is a lack of resources. This mainly is caused by the exponential growth of population and unemployment. But what if countries came together on a project that could possibly solve both these problems? This is where I suggest a manned Mission to Mars. With a restarted space program we could send hundreds of thousands of unemployed to Mars in the hopes of colonizing the planet. Of course we'd have to re-train the jobless or homeless for this mission; but this retraining effort would only benefit us by creating hundreds of new jobs. Though this whole idea might seem a little far-fetched there are things that are easily achievable right now with a fresh new interest in space exploration.
One of the most practical things that would come from the launch of a new space program would be the accelerated advancement of technology. For example simply look back at the Space Race of the 1960's. In this technological race to the moon NASA developed the basis for revolutionary new technologies. Things such as the GPS, satellite communications, and personal laptop all exist thanks to the technological breakthroughs back then. Now imagine having to prepare for a longer trip to Mars. There would be no limits to the things we might build.
So technology is one aspect, the second would be resources. Going to Mars, there's no doubt that there would be a whole lot of resources Earth could use, but most of those will be needed in the efforts of Martian colonization. One place we can look at is in the asteroids above. A lot of asteroids are extremely dense with carbon. These can be burned for huge amounts of fuel. Additionally, there are also ways to obtain green energy such as through nuclear reactors. The biggest problem with that is getting rid of the radioactive waste. If better technology made going up into space more cost-effective then we could store this waste somewhere harmless such as on the moon or on other natural satellites.
I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent that fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home in Pakistan.
After that night I knew how I wanted to leave my mark on humanity, after all it only takes one small step for a man to make a giant leap for mankind.
Abdeali, I have removed the unnecessary parts of the essay that only deviate from the prompt or offer discussions of other topics, such as asteroids, that remove the attention from your main objective or discussion. Those are the points that brought your word count over the limit. The discussion needs to only be simple. Don't overthink it. Don't give answers to questions that open up more serious discussions and considerations for your plan. You only have to explain why a single significant issue is important to you and how you plan to solve it. Here is my take on your essay, the parts written in caps are my revisions.
When I was around 13 years old, I visited Pakistan, my parent's home country. Driving through the streets one night, I remember looking out the window and seeing homeless people gathered around a small fire surrounded by filth and trash. Power grids for entire neighborhoods would be down rendering families without heat or light. My cousin noticed the sad look on my face. Getting back to their house, INVITED ME TO LIE DOWN ON THE ROOFTOP WITH HIM. AS WE LAY DOWN, LOOKING UP TO THE NIGHT SKIES, I was instantly dumbfounded. Numerous little sparkling stars were scattered across SPACE. The awe on my face made it obvious that this wasn't something I got to see every night back at my own home. We sat there gazing up at the stars for what seemed like a lifetime before returning inside.
The next few years were filled with me obsessing over all things space. Hours of my day were spent researching. I would go outside every night and just look up at the sky in hopes of seeing the same beautiful star lit sky I had once witnessed. I had no doubt in my mind that I was definitely going to be an astronaut. AN ASTRONAUT WHO WOULD ONE DAY CONQUER SPACE IN ORDER TO HELP IMPROVE THE LIFE OF MAN ON EARTH AND BEYOND.
When it comes to saving the world, looking up to the sky is not always the first response, though it really should be. A problem that every nation on Earth faces is a lack of resources. What if countries came together on a project that could possibly solve both these problems? This is where I suggest a manned Mission to Mars. With a restarted space program we could send hundreds of thousands of unemployed to Mars in the hopes of colonizing the planet. Of course we'd have to re-train the jobless or homeless for this mission; but this retraining effort would only benefit us by creating hundreds of new jobs. Though this whole idea might seem a little far-fetched there are things that are easily achievable right now with a fresh new interest in space exploration.
One of the most practical things that would come from the launch of a new space program would be the accelerated advancement of technology. For example simply look back at the Space Race of the 1960's. In this technological race to the moon NASA developed the basis for revolutionary new technologies. Things such as the GPS, satellite communications, and personal laptop all exist thanks to the technological breakthroughs back then. Now imagine having to prepare for a longer trip to Mars. There would be no limits to the things we might build.
I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent that fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home in Pakistan.
After that night I knew how I wanted to leave my mark on humanity, after all it only takes one small step for a man to make a giant leap for mankind.
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