"My school years in Bangladesh; becoming a businessman" - Rutgers Admission Essay

Hi I would like some one to review my essay.The prompt is

Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

When I was asked to write an essay explaining what I would contribute if I had a chance of studying business at Rutgers University I was forced to closely examine my own intentions and answers to that question.

The true answer, to me, lies with very close examination of my life, the choices I've made, and my priorities; they all have brought me to this point of my life. I know that the choices I make now will have a great influence on my future. It is essential to me that I have to be the successful in the field of business management and for that to occur I need the opportunity to study at one of the best business schools in America.

My school years in Bangladesh gave me the opportunity to engage in sports on a daily basis. I started with playing cricket and soon proceeded to play for the school cricket team. The teachers recognized my athletic abilities and introduced me to other sports that included soccer, volleyball, and handball. Soon I starred in the school teams for soccer and handball. In a few years I captained the soccer team for several tournaments. Under my captaincy the school team gained several noteworthy titles.

Upon a shallow glance, the accomplishments I mention above have little meaning in the business world or the academic world for that matter. However with a closer look one can begin to see the potential to achieve great success.

My athletic abilities have prospered because of the passion and practice I put into it. This shows I am a hard worker, I set a goal for myself and keep trying until I reach it. Just as I have accomplished great heights in sports, I believe that if given an opportunity I will be able to attain similar heights in the business world. As a captain I have had the chance to lead my team members to many victories. Even though I am under no assumption that it was solely because of me that our team won those championships, I do believe that I displayed excellent leadership skills. This leads me to assume that with proper education I will develop the ability to guide and lead my employees to achieve their true potential as well.

The idea of becoming a business man triggered in my mind one day while I was volunteering to help unprivileged kids learn English and Math in high school. I was part of our high school community club for two years and I learned a lot by interacting with the kids. They made me realize how important education and being self sufficient is in life. I learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with and in order to help more people I want to stand on my own feet.

As I come from Bangladesh, there are strong cultural roots that also enforce my dreams to become a businessman. I have been brought up to believe in family values and as a prosperous businessman I can provide my family with financial security as well as a comfortable life. It is also customary in our culture to be able to take care of one's parents after they retire. Therefore it is essential for me to be successful and I will be if I get a chance to study at Rutgers University.

As I have had ample training as an athlete I will be able to contribute to the sporting activities at Rutgers. It has been a dream for me to participate in a prestigious university soccer team. I also feel that I can represent a less known culture to the university. Although Bangladeshi culture is similar to Indian culture, there are many differences between them. Bangladesh is a small and relatively unknown country when compared to India or China. I feel that I can introduce my culture to Rutgers and by doing so I can contribute to the diversity of the university.

For all those reasons I believe that I can both contribute and benefit from being a student at Rutgers University.

Hi, nice job with your essay. Here are some of my personal opinion after reading it.
It is essential to me that I have to be the successful
-> for me to be successful

the accomplishments I mention above have little meaning in either the business world or the academic world for that matter

"because of the passion and practice I put into it." What does the word "it" mean here? You'd better clarify it.

"This shows I am a hard worker, I set a goal for myself and keep trying until I reach it." -> Hey show but not tell right? You should tell some small stories rather say this. Kinda cliché :D

"The idea of becoming a business man triggered in my mind one day while I was volunteering to help unprivileged kids learn English and Math in high school. I was part of our high school community club for two years and I learned a lot by interacting with the kids. They made me realize how important education and being self sufficient is in life. I learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with and in order to help more people I want to stand on my own feet."

I like this part. It tells a very significant story of yours. So I wonder if it could become the introduction part. It's going to be like " The idea came from...Then I decided that I had to study at one of the best...

One last thing, I think it may get even better if you can point out what you will benefit from the school more than just success in business. What you think you lack of and Rutgers will give you? Also, the contribution part accounts for a little of space, compared to the other part. So you may want to cut other parts a little bit to make room for YOUR contribution to the school. I think colleges want to hear about that.

Great ideas, Linh!
I'll give a few more:
... I was forced to closely examine my own intentions. and answers to that question. I think these words are extra Always ct as many words as possible to intensify the reader's experience. Some words, like these, do not actually improve the essay, so they are just work for the reader.

The true answer, to me, lies with very close examination of my life, the choices I've made, and my priorities; they all have brought me to this point of my life. I think this sentence sort of repeats what you said in the previous sentence.Let's move it along! :-)

I know that the choices I make now will have a great influence on my future. too obvious!

It is essential to me that I have to be the successful in the field of business management and for that to occur I need the opportunity to study at one of the best business schools in America. Too simple! Replace it with a sentence that shows that you have a plan. No one will invest in your business if you have no plan.

Upon a shallow glance, the accomplishments I mention above have little meaning in the business world or the academic world for that matter. However with a closer look one can begin to see the potential to achieve great success. My school years in Bangladesh gave me the opportunity to engage in...

I moved the sentences around (above) so that it makes a nice transition into the paragraph about sports.

As I come from Bangladesh, there are strong cultural roots that also enforce my dreams to become a businessman. never say your goal is to "become a businessman." You have to have goals that are more specific than that. Go a little deeper. Make a business plan. You can change it later, but show the reader how decisive you can be.

:-)