'a science student with a great appreciation for the arts' - Common App short

Here is my answer for the short essay part. Please have a look and tell me what you think :) Thanks!

I like to think of myself as a science student with a great appreciation for the arts-may it be music, theater, or dance. I had been involved in both all my life, but never simultaneously until one day I was introduced to the Theater department to be one of the three dramaturges for their play On Ego, which explores the argument that human consciousness is merely a product of neuron activities. I was responsible for explaining neurological concepts to the cast and doing research to provide scientific background information for both the cast and the audience. This opportunity has incorporated my two passions in life. Most importantly, it has allowed a chance to test my own knowledge so as to explain clearly to others, and to further broaden it as I did my research on brain tumors. Thus, it has helped me grow as a student of Biology.

Alright, what's the ultimate point of the essay? This is the one where you explain how an EC has helped you grow, right?

Here's how I would rewrite it:

I consider myself a science student with a great appreciation for the arts -- whether it be music theater, or dance. I had been involved in both all my life, but never simultaneously. Then, I was introduced to the Theater department of the three dramaturges for their play On Ego, which explores the argument that human consciousness is merely a product of neuron activities. I was responsible for explaining neurological concepts to the cast and doing research to provide scientific background information for both the cast and the audience. This opportunity has merged two of my biggest passions. Most importantly, it has allowed a chance to test my own knowledge so as to explain clearly to others, and to further broaden it as I did my research on brain tumors. Thus, it has helped me grow as a student of Biology.

I would also work on the conclusion -- the last few sentences sound kind of clunky.

the idea is good but it doesnt really show how theater is a passion of yours as well maybe you could use a little more description rather than just telling us

and yea I would rework the ending it is slightly abrupt and isn't very clear of your thesis

The last sentence is awkward. Consider deleting it. Admission counselors get that it helped you to grow because you explain it in the previous sentences. Also, to make you story more powerful, consider depicting a moment of the play or the cast. Good luck

Yes. The prompt is to elaborate an extracurricular. Guess I should have included that :-)

I was not too pleased with the conclusion either, but still haven't figured out how to rewrite it. I'll spend some more time on it. Thanks for your suggestions :)