Prompt-Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
Very few people have had an adult life that so closely mirrors a script for a Hollywood movie than my Dad.
When he graduated from college he was hired as a golf pro at an extravagant resort in Florida. Here he made good money while going out every night and partying. After five years he managed to save enough money to open his own restaurant and put his degree in hotel/restaurant management to good use. A year later my Dad opened Everett's in the Midwestern town of Columbia, Missouri. Using recipes he created and some picked up through his days of traveling and partying in college and around the US, he created a magnificent and prosperous restaurant in a town that was already filled with restaurants that had tasty food and homemade dishes.
Within a year or two, my Dad's restaurant had taken off like a rocket ship and he was making more money than he had ever imagined. He made enough to go to Palm Springs for weeks at a time with his buddies and play golf all day. At one point, before I was born, he had a Porsche 911 turbo, Mercedes SL500, a pick up truck, and a Jeep. One day a perky blond hair girl walked into his restaurant and asked for a job. Not only did she get a job, my Dad married her, but after two years and two kids a nasty divorce took place.
Through the next ten years my Dad opened two more restaurants, but they had marginal success. When the recession hit in the early 2000's the two newest restaurants closed. My Dad began working fifty hours a week for the next two years to keep his last restaurant open, but in the end his efforts were insignificant compared to the peril the economy was in and my Dad closed the restaurant after twenty years of service.
My Dad started with nothing and eventually worked till he had everything, until everything he had worked for over twenty years to obtain was stripped of him. In a Hollywood movie with a story similar to my Dads, there is always a happy ending. This is real life. There is not going to be a person who comes and fixes everything and my Dad is not likely to win the lottery some day. He has to do everything himself.
There my Dad was left with nothing but my brother and me. What would most people do? Give up? Run away? End it? Not my Dad, he immediately went out and started to find work be it a 9-5 job or washing dishes. A drastic change from being his own boss while making more money than he knew what to do with. Everything he did, it seemed that the odds were against him. For example he was hired to manage a restaurant, then just when things were looking up, the restaurant closed after six months of my Dad working there. For the last four years my Dad has been doing whatever it takes to make ends meet to take care of my brother and me. That is why my Dad is important to me and has made an impact on my life. I hope that I have the perseverance and strength that he shows to do what lies ahead of me. Without his life lessons and guidance, I would not be who I am today.
you're focusing too much on your dad, you should try explaining how your dad had an impact on YOU.
I agree with Diego. You can condense all of your dad's background into probably one paragraph, and then expand on that last thought about perseverance and strength for the bulk of the essay. Anything unnecessary, i.e. the cars and cities and all, can go, because it takes the focus off of you. Also, you should avoid clichés. "I would not be who I am today", "took off like a rocket ship", etc., trim those off. They make everything more wordy and informal, and besides that, admissions officers are going to hear them a million times, and you want your paper to stand out.
I like the "movie" thread, see if you can do more with that. But overall, good content, and interesting story, just remember to stick to the important part: you! Best of luck in the Lone Star State!
Hi! This essay is good but it can be improved. You can talk about your father and the hardships he managed to overcome and how he never gave up and then incorporate that with how you take this inspiration in everythin you do.Think about how your fathers story affects you: how do you feel when your verge of giving up? You need to show college how this experience makes a better person, not your father! So condense the story- although its is very intresting- and get to the point where you show how it affects you.
Thanks guys
Very few people have had more of an adult life that so closely mirrors a script for a Hollywood movie than my Dad.
When he graduated from college, he was hired as a golf pro.
A year later, my Dad opened Everett's in Missouri.
One day a perky blond haired girl walked into his restaurant and asked for a job.
My Dad started with nothing and eventually worked till he had everything, but then everything he had worked for over twenty years to obtain was stripped from him.
For the last four years, my Dad has been doing whatever it takes to make ends meet to take care of my brother and me.
I know he has tried to instill these virtues in my brother and me during our lives .
I know that he has succeeded, because when I feel like giving up on something, whether a test or a project, I always think of my Dad and his journey over the past four years so I keep going at it until I am satisfied.
Good essay and a nice tribute to your dad!
:)
Don't repeat verbs such as "perseverance" look for synonyms "I know that I will carry his determination and perseverance with me
to college and throughout life." change it to " I know that I will carry his determination,commitment and diligence with me
to college and throughout life."
I believe you should look for more complicated words. Instead of saying "for example" put "For instance"
"An example is when i was in accelerated pre-calculus class." " For instance when i was in
accelerated pre-calculus class."
Thanks so much!
Justin,
You are well spoken and have told a wonderful story about the struggles of your father, and I am proud to say that I too can relate to this narrative. Nevertheless, you focused too much on the details around the trials and tribulations of your dad rather than how these situations directly impacted you to grow as a person. There are a lot of grammar errors in this work and I feel that you should rewrite this piece. Remember, the more you write, the better you will become. Try to substitute words like: but = however or though. Because = hence or thus or for these reasons. Avoid adjectives completely like: nasty or perky blonde, etc. I hope my input helps you, good luck!
