"sea shell" - FAU APPLICATION SHORT ESSAY (140 CHARACTERS)

If you were a sea shell, would you want to be picked up or left in the sand and why?

One should constantly undertake goals that exceed far beyond the comfort zone. It is crucial to be able to appreciate unfamiliar sights and explore limitless heights. Hence, if I were a sea shell, I would prefer to be picked up in order to discover a world far beyond my own reach. As Neale D. Walsch once said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

Is that all? If so I think this is so poor!

You totally wasted the first sentence because it did not establish anything in terms of your reply. It was just complete filler material. You should have started immediately with your choice of being picked up and why. The quote does not do anything at all to help describe your decision either. Instead, you should have explained what you expected to have happen to you as a seashell after being picked up. After all, the prompt gave you the choice of being picked up from the sand or not. After making the decision to be picked up, you should have explained why in as short and succinct way as possible.

Some guide questions for you:
What did you expect to see of the world after being picked up?
How would you discover that world while being held in the hands of others?
What can you contribute to that world being a seashell?

A sample answer would be:

I want to be picked up so I can see the world and add to the beauty of my surroundings once I am displayed by the person who picked me up.

One should constantly undertake goals that exceed far beyond the comfort zone. It is crucial to be able to appreciate unfamiliar sights and explore limitless heights. Well written but this doesn't help your argument. Need to start off by showing instead of telling. Ex. I lay on the ground, dormant for months even years. However, that Tuesday was like no other. I was picked up ...(keep showing).

Hence, if I were a sea shell, I would prefer to be picked up in order to discover a world far beyond my own reach. As Neale D. Walsch once said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

I think you should reform your opening sentence as well as some absurd structures. It maybe improve the level of the essay

You need to work on the first and last sentence. First sentence is much too vague and never use "one". This sentence isn't unique to you- its something thousands of others could copy and say they wrote. Also, don't ever end with a quote from someone else in an essay that asks about you. It looks as if you don't have enough opinion of your own to share and are just going to google to find filler material.

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