I wrote this essay extremely quickly, so I know that it's structure is pretty shoddy and it needs work.
I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for the direction I'm going, and whether or not I should go deeper or broader.
And the usual critiques and criticisms would be appreciated as well :).
Oh and its 287 words as of now, but I'd like it to be at 250, so if you could suggest portions i could condense that'd be great!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
It was the summer of 2009, and I was going to be staying in the small fishing village of Minamisanriku, Japan, with a host family. I had never experienced the culture of another country, and was skeptical to whether or not I'd enjoy Japan. However, once I arrived there, my expectations were flipped upside down and inside out.
Minamisanriku was spectacular. The hills were covered in tall evergreens and bamboo, and were surrounded by vast seas of rice fields. The skies had a marbled texture, full of translucent grey clouds with sunlight cutting through. From the way the water looked like liquid diamonds on the lily pads to how even the smallest huts seemed like architectural masterpieces, everything was amazing. I didn't know how I could have lived all this time and not have experienced something so perfect, but from that point on I did know that Japan was my new home, it was where my heart was.
After I arrived home, my love for Japan remained strong, and actually broadened. I began to take notice of the many cultures present in California, and my love of Japanese culture blossomed into a love for all foreign cultures. This passion continued to grow, and every day I was reading up on world affairs. I started learning Japanese, and it became my dream to pursue a career in international relations, so that I would be able to come into contact with other cultures on a regular basis. Whether it is through the U.S. Embassy, the United Nations, or INTERPOL, I know that my future lies in foreign affairs. As long as I am in contact with foreign cultures and customs, I know I'll be happy.
Maybe you should use this for the second prompt. It is more about the experience, which is what the second prompt calls for.
However:
After I arrived home, my love for Japan remained strong, and [If you want to make it shorter cut unnecessary redundancies] actually broadened. I began to take notice of the many cultures present in California, and my love of Japanese culture blossomed into a love for all foreign cultures. This passion continued to grow, and every day I was reading up on world affairs. I started learning Japanese, and it became my dream to pursue a career in international relations, so that I would be able to come into contact with other cultures on a regular basis. Whether it is through the U.S. Embassy, the United Nations, or INTERPOL, I know that my future lies in foreign affairs. As long as I am in contact with foreign cultures and customs, I know I'll be happy.
