Security condition; Common App: Discuss a local issue and your importance to you.

Hi,
I'm currently applying to study in the US, but I'm not sure of the direction my essay is taking.
I'd love you to take a look at it, and tell me what do you think about it. I've only written the two first paragraphs, because I didn't wanted to go on without being quite sure of what I'm doing.

There it is:

Tropics are great. Plenty of oil to give away, warm weather all year long, white sand beaches and gentle people, snowing peaks and giant falls. It seems like we have found Paradise. But sadly, as you start knowing Caracas, the capital of Venezuela and my hometown, you realize things are not like they sound in this so-called Eden. In fact, as you plunge into its valley, choking noises and anguishing images pop up, and what used to be an undisturbed oasis has turned into an infernal scene. Amongst all this, an issue that would not be much of a problem elsewhere, but that symbolizes the curse of every Caracas' citizen, and my own little nightmare: insecurity.

Many statistics show how unsafe the city and the entire country are, but numbers are meaningless. It is true that newspapers and broadcasts show you every day how awful the situation is. But death in pictures and letters does not strike half as hard as the behavior of people around me. The feeling of paranoia we have (because it is a feeling shared by all the common people) determines our lives. Without a doubt, this feeling is justified; I have witnessed many robberies, and I have even been robbed once, because it is something you cannot avoid while being in Caracas. For this, I practically live in curfew; people who goes out after 9 o'clock in the night are very aware of the risk they are facing. Not even prevention can help, because even the regular pedestrian you fret can randomly kill you; he just happened to carry a gun. I just try to deal with it by wearing bad clothes when I walk in the street, by not looking at people's eyes, because looking barely wealthy can get you spotted and most certainly robbed or kidnapped.

I'd like some feedback please, pretty hurried to send it...

You have a solid start to your essay. It needs a little bit of editing, but that is to be expected as you are still in the drafting stages of writing it. Let me help you out a little bit with a line-by-line critique of your paragraphs (they posted as one large paragraph so I'll make the paragraph break where I think it should be).

Tropics are great. You're missing the article "The" or perhaps even the phrase "Living in the" before your sentence. However, since you're about to contradict your description of the Tropics being a great place, I would rephrase the first sentence so you don't appear undecided on the issue. Something like "If you look at a tourist guide, living in the Tropics is great" or "To the casual observer, living in the Tropics is great." Plenty of oil to give away, warm weather all year long, white sand beaches and gentle people, snowing peaks and giant falls. Insert the word "There is" at the beginning of your sentence for a smoother transition. It seems like weyou have found Paradise. But sadly, as you start knowing Caracas, the capital of Venezuela and my hometown, you realize things are not like they sound in this so-called Eden. In fact, as you plunge into its valley, choking noises and anguishing images pop up, and what used to be an undisturbed oasis has turnedturns into an infernal scene. Amongst all this, an issue that would not be much of a problem elsewhere, but that symbolizes the curse of every citizen of Caracas , and my own little nightmare, is insecurity.

Many statistics show how unsafe the city and the entire country are, but numbers are meaninglessThis sentence begins well, but the second part contradicts the first part and does not work well as a topic sentence for the rest of the paragraph. The rest of the paragraph describes concrete examples of crime taking place around you, so craft a sentence that will make those examples support it. Consider using "Many statistics indicate how unsafe the country of Venezuela is, particularly its capital city, and personal experience has validated these findings." . It is true that newspapers and broadcasts show you every day how awful the situation is. But death in pictures and letters does not strike half as hard as the behavior of people around me. The feeling of paranoia we have (because it is a feeling shared by all the common people) determines our lives. Without a doubt, this feeling is justified; I have witnessed many robberies, and I have even been robbed once, because it is something you cannot avoid while being in Caracas. For this, I practically live in curfew; people who goesgo out after 9 o'clock in the night are very aware of the risk they are facing. Not even prevention can help, because even the regular pedestrian you fretirritate can randomly kill you; he just happened to carry a gun. I just try to deal with it by wearing bad clothes when I walk in the street, by not looking at people's eyes, because looking barely (Do you mean "very wealthy"?) wealthy can get you spotted and most certainly robbed or kidnapped.

There are a few more errors that are much smaller, and frankly, more nitpicking. I wanted to leave a few of your word choices and sentence structures as they give your writing a non-native speaker of English flavor that is not necessarily grammatically incorrect.

Good luck!

Your essay starts out well, but it is inconclusive. It's also not very personal. You say how you deal with it, but you don't truly say how it affects you, therefore not answering the question of "how it affects you".

Thanks for your very pertinent answer!

I think you need to bring life into your essay. Make us feel the things you're talking about. Use imagery or dialogues to appeal our senses.

"In fact, as you plunge into its valley, choking noises and anguishing images pop up, and what used to be an undisturbed oasis has turned into an infernal scene"

What kind of infernal scene? Give us more information to show how bad it is there.
The feeling of paranoia we have (because it is a feeling shared by all the common people) determines our lives.
How paranoid? Show a real example like people refusing to help each other.
I have witnessed many robberies, and I have even been robbed once, because it is something you cannot avoid while being in Caracas.
This is where your essay has a chance to shine. Describe your experience of being robbed.
Next, you have to answer the prompt. Tell us why this issue is important to you. Does it make you wanna do something to improve it? Or maybe you wanna escape and get into a university in US.

Good luck =)