"the Self-Designed Biomedical Engineering track" - applying to CMU

any criticism is helpful...i still kind of need an into too
any thoughts on it?

I remember watching this one documentary when I was about ten that showed how people in dangerous situations responded to their external stimulus, how they made split-second decisions that saved their lives. It explained that the brain took in information from its surrounding and directed the proper responses faster than one could blink. That was when I started to become interested in the brain and neural functioning. I began to see the brain as the ultimate control center, perpetually directing the flow of life, controlling all factors of life, from thoughts to emotions, to opinions, to behavior, yet it remains the most mysterious and misunderstood part of the body. The more I tried to research the brain, the more it became apparent to me how little is understood about this enigmatic lump of grey matter, and the more I was drawn to decipher it. There is so much potential in this field of study and it is my dream to unlock the secrets of the brain. I would like to find definitive cures and prevention methods for strokes and brain tumors, and I would like to work with individuals with behavioral issues or sociopathic tendencies to remove the socially destructive parts of their being without denaturing their core as a person. Working in neural engineering, I can confront the physical manifestation of neural, psychological, and cognitive illnesses and work to combat their destructive nature. At the core, I chose a course in neuroscience because that is what captivates my interests, "my heart is in my work." I believe I will be most beneficial to society perusing a career that I am passionate about.

At Carnegie Mellon University I hope to study Biomedical Engineering and Neuroscience. After looking into the programs CMU offers, I feel that the Self-Designed Biomedical Engineering track at the Carnegie Institute of Technology is a perfect fit for my interests. The SBME program will allow me to gear my own biomedical engineering studies into my neural engineering career focus. In order to achieve a broader and more rounded view of the brain I also hope to take a second major following the Neuroscience track through the Mellon College of Science. With the combination of these two programs, one providing me with an engineering based approach, and the other providing me with a psychologically and chemically based approach, I will obtain a comprehensive, all around, and unique perspective of the brain.

At CMU I have the opportunity to study along side some of the most enthusiastic and intelligent minds from around the world and be mentored by passionate, brilliant professors. Collaborating with the best will challenge me to reach my academic best. Personally, the social and mental growth associated with college is of equal importance of education. CMU projects this pleasantly nerdy atmosphere, of which I would love to be a part; I feel like it is a place where I can help to make ground breaking scientific discoveries, while still fully experiencing college. I intend to be involved in the CMU community and am intrigued by the quirky CMU traditions and look forward to traying, painting the fence, and building and racing buggies. Personally, the social aspects of college are an integral part of the education, and just being a part of CMU will be beneficial. Carnegie Mellon is a place where I can grow academically and socially, and ultimately where I can achieve my greatest potential.

more specific! what documentary??
the last paragraph ism good, but the first big chunk you should definitely fix.
more SPECIFICS! otherwise good ideas!

read my essays too? :)

"If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain" - The Matrix

The Brain is everything. It determines how we experience reality, and tells us how within microseconds of taking in any external stimulus. I am inexorably fascinated by the brain, and with each new look I am freshly captivated. By the time I first saw The Matrix I was already infatuated with the brain and human consciousness, the movie suggested to me the idea that neural processes could be controlled and manipulated. I see the brain as the ultimate control center, perpetually directing the flow of life, controlling all factors of life, yet so little is understood or known about the three pound lump of grey matter, even less is understood about neurological issues. I want to research the physical manifestation of neurological issues and the connections between emotion, desire, behavior, and thought and the physical brain. Working in neural engineering, I can confront neural, psychological, and cognitive illnesses and work to combat their destructive nature.

At Carnegie Mellon University I hope to study Biomedical Engineering and Neuroscience. After looking into the programs CMU offers, I feel that the Self-Designed Biomedical Engineering track at the Carnegie Institute of Technology is a perfect fit for my interests. The SBME program will allow me to gear my own biomedical engineering studies into my neural engineering career focus. In order to achieve a broader and more rounded view of the brain I also hope to take a second major following the Neuroscience track through the Mellon College of Science. With the combination of these two programs, one providing me with an engineering based approach, and the other providing me with a psychologically and chemically based approach, I will obtain a comprehensive, all around, and unique perspective of the brain.

As I am headed for a life of research, CMU as a research university strongly and immediately attracted my interests. At CMU I have the opportunity to study along side some of the most enthusiastic and intelligent minds from around the world and be mentored by passionate, brilliant professors. Collaborating with the best will challenge me to reach my academic best. Personally, the social and mental growth associated with college is of equal importance of education. CMU projects this pleasantly nerdy atmosphere, of which I would love to be a part; I feel like it is a place where I can help to make ground breaking scientific discoveries, while still fully experiencing college. I intend to be involved in the CMU community and am intrigued by the quirky CMU traditions and look forward to traying, painting the fence, and building and racing buggies. Personally, the social aspects of college are an integral part of the education, and just being a part of CMU will be beneficial. Carnegie Mellon is a place where I can grow academically and socially, and ultimately where I can achieve my greatest potential.

any better, or still too vague?