"no sense of diversity" - My Rutgers Essay

The Prompt: PROMT: Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Though Rutgers may not need me, I know for a fact that I need Rutgers. Not only have my parents and I talked about me going to Rutgers ever since I could understand the concept of college, but we also have a special place in my house where I plan on putting my diploma after I graduate. I plan on applying as a Biology major or try and attend the Program for Pre-medical studies. This will help sculpt me for my definite future in the medical industry, and hopefully progress in achieving my ultimate goal in becoming an optometrist. My number one ambition in life has always been to become a successful doctor and I really, truly believe that Rutgers can help make that possible for me. My personality will lighten up the whole campus once I step onto it, and I will fill the place with joy and love.

Coming from a family with no sense of diversity, I know that Rutgers can offer to an opportunity to embellish my perspectives on the other vast majority of cultures in this country. I also come from a very religious household so I know my limits and I would not do anything that would shame my parents, my college, or most importantly myself. My town is an average-sized town but majority of the population are traditional Indians that come from the same background as I. The multicultural diversity is a prominent place for any one person to get acquainted with the life of society. It would be a great way for me to put myself out there and get acquainted with peers that come from different cultures and backgrounds.

I have seen the campus in New Brunswick multiple times on my way to dance recitals and competitions at the State Theatre. Whenever I pass by it now, I feel as if it were my second home. The campus just gives off such an inviting and lovable vibe that you could not help but want to attend there. The atmosphere there gives me the strength and confidence that every time I perform at the State Theatre not too far from the campus, I always prevail and give my best. I went from being a shy, conservative, and restrained girl so being the confident, determined, and sociable girl that I am today.

I love to give to others and I am very helpful when it comes to others needing my assistance. I have been a volunteer throughout high school continuously, and I whenever there is assistance needed, I never back down and am ready to help.

As a child I would constantly refrain from adapting to my natural roots and heritage, but now as I have grown I have come to embrace my culture and learned to share it with the world. I am not afraid to show others who I am and where I come from, and with me at your University I can assure you that you will not be disappointed with my presence but, you will surely feel as if you did justice by allowing me the pleasure to attend at your lovely school.

"Though Rutgers may not need me"

I don't know if I like this opening sentence. You are trying to convince the admission officers that you have what it takes to make the Rutgers community even better, but this sentence does the opposite.

Sure, you explain in the remaining of the essay that you are the type of person they are looking for, but I don't think it is worth mentioning that they don't need you.

I mean, everyone who applies needs Rutgers, but the admission officers only pick the ones they like to see on their own campus. Do you see where I am getting at??

Though Rutgers may not be the best choice for everyone, I know for a fact that Rutgers University is the best choice for me.

Do you think that this is a better revision of the sentence?

Oh..it's a bad last sentence! I am not sure if it is m own prejudice or if it is really bad... but I hink it is bad to use "lovely" because it makes it sound too much like flattery and begging! :-)

Though Rutgers may not be the best choice for everyone, I feel certain that Rutgers University is the best choice for me.

Certain is a strong word.

You can make that sentence more meaningful by giving specific examples.

I don't like the last sentence, but the essay is great!!!!

The essay is good in that the ideas conveyed are interesting, but the language needs to be checked. I agree with Haru in that the first line is really offputting. The revision is equally bad. By saying that


you are implying that Rutgers is not all that great a university, which no university would want to hear.
You have not specified which town you come from. Either you come from the same town as Rutgers (since you pass by the campus every day) or you come from some other town. If you come from the same town, this statement does not make sense -


And if you come from some other town, then it is always a good idea to specify which town it is.


lovable is not exactly the word to use. People are lovable, I don't think universities can be.


You should also perhaps give a brief explanation of why this is so. THe last para also needs a little more explanation. I am sure just passing by the campus has not changed you into the confident person that you have become.