I sent a disinfectant package to fight bullying - Questbridge Nat'l College Match 2014

8th grade. The last day before first semester break. 06.10 a.m.

I stared to a wrapped box in front of me, sticked with a paper written "To Jane".
Should I send it? Should I take the risk of more humiliation, more ostracism, and discipline sanctions from school?

The previous day.
My class was free of lesson. Some classmates were playing dakon, an Indonesian traditional board game. I asked them to join, and they said, "Ask Jane". The dakon was hers.

I asked, and she yelled, "I withdraw! I'm not playing!!!"

Of course.

Jane, and most of my classmates, ostracized me for my sinusitis in 7th grade, which made me snot regularly. They seemed to believe that my hands still contained dangerous bacteria or something, regardless of the fact that my sinusitis was cured in the beginning of 8th grade.

But unlike the others, Jane blatanly showed her consideration of me by the way she treated me in daily life. She would throw her new notebook to trash bin because I touched it, while the others would only secretly rub it with tissue papers (but I knew).

For Jane's blatant humiliation, I usually yelled at her. But for the rest of the rejection I received, there was nothing I could do. The constant rejection made me feel unworthy, that I deserved the maltreatments. It swept every courage and dignity I used to have.

I became trapped in vicious circle of depression. When I felt rejected, I retracted myself from the society. The more I retracted myself, the more ostracized I became and the more I felt rejected.

The cycle repeated itself everyday until this day, when Jane yelled, "I want my dakon be washed with Dettol!!!" after I touched her dakon.

My mouth was silent, but my mind was seething with anger. For the first time, I felt numb instead of becoming more depressed to the mistreatments and rejections I received. In my mind, I said, "OK, fine!" Challenge accepted.

After school, I bought a bottle of Dettol and several other cleansing products. I packed them in a box, along with a note :
I'm sorry for contaminating your dakon with bacteria from my filthy hands. As my apology, please accept this gift from me to clean up your dakon. Melati.

The last day before semester break. 06.45 a.m.

I put the box in front of Jane's house.

First day after semester break.

I was summoned by the discipline office of my school. Jane reported me. Gossips spread.
But it worth. The action succeed. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then.

Now.

I am first-ranker, debater, programmer, student government committee, tourism ambassador, and researcher. I am no longer the depressed kid in junior high school. I have many friends, no rejection.

Flashing back to that very moment, I realize that this event made me who I am today. The success of this event gave me the courage to try everything and take risk, to be bold and confident, and to demand what I deserve. The ending of the maltreatments I received returned my dignity and self-esteem. In the end, the dignity and courage I regained returned my confidence to reach my maximum potentials, to achieve far beyond my peers as I should normally do.

I have also lived through the exact same issues of sinusitis since the 4th grade and have made it to the top of my class with some knowledge of programming. Having said that, your essay is very well written with few grammar and spelling mistakes but there was one that I did catch. when you said "But it worth. The action succeed. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then," the first sentence has no verb. The last sentence of that can also be rewritten as "Jane and the others treated me better since then" to make it flow a little smoother even though the original sentence is grammatically correct.

can you help me reducing the length of this essay? The word limit is 500 words but mine is 546

What I can suggest is that you remove the title headings that you use to separate the story settings. Write it as one free flowing essay instead. Most importantly, be direct to the point. Less flowery words means you get your point across sooner with lesser words. That way, you can meet the word count and have a smooth flow and look to the essay. Here is a sample of what I did for this essay. You can use it as your guide Note that this is your original version and by removing certain elements and adding a few simple words, the word count became 464:

Jane, and most of my classmates, ostracized me for my sinusitis in 7th grade, which made me snot regularly. They seemed to believe that my hands still contained dangerous bacteria or something, regardless of the fact that my sinusitis was cured in the beginning of 8th grade.

But unlike the others, Jane blatanly showed her consideration of me by the way she treated me in daily life. She would throw her new notebook to trash bin because I touched it, while the others would only secretly rub it with tissue papers (but I knew).

For Jane's blatant humiliation, I usually yelled at her. But for the rest of the rejection I received, there was nothing I could do. The constant rejection made me feel unworthy, that I deserved the maltreatments. It swept every courage and dignity I used to have.

I became trapped in vicious circle of depression. When I felt rejected, I retracted myself from the society. The more I retracted myself, the more ostracized I became and the more I felt rejected.

The cycle repeated itself everyday until this day, when Jane yelled, "I want my dakon be washed with Dettol!!!" after I touched her dakon. A Dakon is a popular board game among Indian teens and Dettol is a brand of sanitizer.

My mouth was silent, but my mind was seething with anger. For the first time, I felt numb instead of becoming more depressed to the mistreatments and rejections I received. In my mind, I said, "OK, fine!" Challenge accepted.

After school, I bought a bottle of Dettol and several other cleansing products. I packed them in a box, along with a note :

'I'm sorry for contaminating your dakon with bacteria from my filthy hands. As my apology, please accept this gift from me to clean up your dakon. Melati.'

I put the box in front of Jane's house.

I was summoned by the discipline office of my school upon my return from semester break. Jane reported me. Gossip spread.
But it worth. The action succeed. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then.

Now, I am first-ranker, debater, student government committee, programmer, tourism ambassador, and researcher. I am no longer the depressed kid in junior high school. I have many friends, no rejection.

Flashing back to that very moment, I realize that this event made me who I am today. The success of this event gave me the courage to try everything and take risk, to be bold and confident, and to demand what I deserve. The ending of the maltreatments I received returned my dignity and self-esteem. In the end, the dignity and courage I regained returned my confidence to reach my maximum potentials, to achieve far beyond my peers as I would normally do.

Does this work for you? You already know what corrections need to be made :-)

It works, thanks :)
But I add some introduction and detail sentences, so my essay become like this (word count : 498) =>

--
8th grade.

I was bullied and ostracized, mainly by a girl named Jane.

Jane, and most of my classmates, ostracized me because of my sinusitis in 7th grade, which made my nose drip regularly. They seemed to believe that my hands still contained dangerous bacteria or something, regardless of the fact that my sinusitis was cured in the beginning of 8th grade.

But unlike the others, Jane blatanly showed what she thought of me by the way she treated me in daily life. She would throw her new notebook to trash bin because I touched it, while the others would only secretly rub it with tissue papers (but I knew).

For Jane's blatant humiliation, I usually yelled at her. But for the rest of the rejection I received, there was nothing I could do. The constant rejection made me feel unworthy, that I deserved the maltreatments. It swept every ounce of courage and dignity I that used to have.

I became trapped in vicious cycle of depression. When I felt rejected, I retreated from the society. The more I retreated, the more ostracized I became and the more I felt rejected.

The cycle repeated itself everyday until this day, two days before first semester break, when Jane yelled, "I want my dakon be washed with Dettol!!!" after I touched her dakon. Dakon is an Indonesian board game, and Dettol is a brand of disinfectant liquid.

My mouth was silent, but my mind was seething with anger. For the first time, I felt numb instead of becoming more depressed to the mistreatments and rejections I received. In my mind, I said, "OK, fine!" Challenge accepted.

After school, I bought a bottle of Dettol and several other cleansing products. I packed them in a box, along with a note :

'I'm sorry for contaminating your dakon with bacteria from my filthy hands. As my apology, please accept this gift from me to clean up your dakon. Melati.'

The next morning, which was the last day of school before semester break, I put the box in front of Jane's house.

I was summoned by the discipline office of my school upon my return from semester break. Jane reported me. Gossips spread. But the action succeeded. Jane, and also the others, treated me better since then.

Now.

I am a first-ranker, debater, student government committee, sport programmer, tourism ambassador, and researcher. I am no longer the depressed kid in junior high school. I have many friends, no rejection.

Flashing back to that very moment, I realize that this event made me who I am today. The success of this event gave me the courage to try everything and take risk, to be bold and confident, and to demand what I deserve. The ending of the maltreatments I received returned my dignity and self-esteem. In the end, the dignity and courage I regained returned my confidence to reach my maximum potentials, to achieve far beyond my peers as I would normally do.

I will commend you on your creativity in editing your paper in terms of word count. I would advice you though to use the word "Then" rather than "8th Grade" in order to create a connection in your title headings. It won't make a difference because you still mention your grade level when the bullying happened and why. There are a few errors I caught such as:


- ... notebook into the trash bin.


- rub theirs ...


I usually yelled at Jane for humiliating me.


- It swept away every ounce...


- I had...




- ... depressed from the...




- take risks .


I hope these corrections further help towards your word count and the smoothness of the story that you are telling :-)

Thanks :)