TO SERVE OTHERS; What defines me: LEADERSHIP/SERVICE/LEARNING/GLOBAL AWARENESS

ESSAY TOPIC: Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeals most to you, and why?

In the process of picking out my major talents, I was surprised to find that what I owned was nothing that the media would consider worth writing a headline for or maybe something that my neighbor would do because it completed him as a human being. In reality who would be so joyous and thrilled to leave their warm bed on a Saturday at 5 in the morning, drive up to a beach to see half naked men in their speedos dive with a bunch of their kind, while dealing with bad breath, sleepy eyes and a cranky volunteer coordinator all for a noble cause? Without hesitating I fit into this description. Day by day my time given to serve others has made me realize that building goodwill and peace in the world is needed. That is why I can proudly say that I live by the motto: Service Above Self.

The most beautiful outcome of serving others is realizing that because of it I am also an individual who embraces leadership, learning, and global awareness. My leadership skills were developed when I was given the opportunity to take into my hands a position for Interact Club; a community based service club hosted by Rotary International. Becoming service vice president for this great organization which I consider my second family, basically taught me from day one that I had to take the responsibility to enhance what the club stands for: service.

I strongly believe that leading others does not only consist of guiding and coming up with new ideas but taking every step and every chance with those that want to do a good deed. Win together, lose together, it's all about teamwork. My time in Interact has taught me several lessons: how to treat others, how to be understanding, how to react to situations in a quick but professional manner and most importantly how to find my own solutions. Is not only being aware of the different problems and solutions I can partake in my community but also taking the initiative to make the place where I live more enjoyable.

The Interact Four Way Test: "Is it the truth?" "Is it fair to all concern" "Will it build good will and better friendships?" "Will it be beneficial to all concern?" is what guides me in order for me to give back to my community and family with rewarding, heartwarming and life changing moments. I'm grateful to say that thanks to the motivation and knowledge that Interact has given me I'll keep on escalating along with my education to enhance one of the most beautiful deeds in the world: To serve others.

My biggest problem with this essay is that I'm missing details. You started with a really interesting opener, but I was confused about what you actually did. You said that Interact Club taught you all these things, but you didn't tell me what kinds of community service you did with them or how you learned from Rotary Club. You write that serving others is important, but you don't tell me why you think it is important, or what kinds of service you think is important.

I can see what kind of statements you are trying to make and the approach that you are attempting to utilize, and I like it. However, there is a lack of clarity and examples that would better transfer what you mean. I'm afraid I still don't know how to use the system to paste your words into my description, so I'll refer to everything by the order of your essay's paragraphs.

For the first paragraph, its not a very good idea to put yourself down. Not to mention the line is too long and "wordy". I agree with the previous comment and would remove it entirely from the essay.

I was surprised to find that what I owned was nothing that the media would consider worth writing a headline for or maybe something that my neighbor would do because it completed him as a human being.

The examples of the first paragraph feel very random. I understand that you fit a "description", but you have not clarified what the description is; what responsibilities or choices make you rise that early in the morning and spend so much time on the beach? Clarify that for the reader. And again, the sentences are a little wordy. Use your judgement and break down sentences that try to say too much at once.

In the second paragraph, you have a good outline for what you are trying to say. But there is an insufficient amount of detail. How did the Rotary help you develop all of these skill? What kinds of people, environment, tasks, and challenges did you face? What is it about that place that shaped you?

I believe the same follows through with the next paragraph: elaborate. Don't hesitate to tell your story by telling the reader what you believe is wrong, what hope for, and how you made your home a better place. Be specific about the actions you committed to and the moments that mattered.

After you've filled in the essay with real examples and details, take a second look at your conclusion and fill it up too. I very much enjoy the way it starts because it is clear, straightforward, and personal. However, the last line is too wordy, again, and too long. Again, break it down.

Personally, I have a straightforward default method for filling my conclusions. What I do is I write a line for each body paragraph that summarizes what each is about and I insert them into the conclusion paragraph, while maintaining consistency with the order of the essay (line about first paragraph comes before line about second paragraph). Maybe, you could give it a try.

I hope this offered some help!