please review my essay for Rutgers( course food science)
This is the essay prompt
" Please reflect on what you consider to be an important personal experience related to your talents, interests, or commitments. Using this experience, please tell us what you learned about yourself. How will this experience prepare you for success at Rutgers?
"Your experiences shape the person you become and provide insight as to who you want to be in the future"
Ever since I was a very young child, I loved visiting vaccine manufacturing unit żBio Med Private Ltdż where my father works. The microbial world always intrigued and fascinated me.
My interest in science increased as I grew up and this prompted me to take up żintegrated scienceż in high school.
Outside of school, I have been involved in many volunteer/service activities. In June 2013, I became a member of an NGO called żBLG Educational and welfare societyż. I actively participated in various activities organized under the aegis of this NGO. Of all the camps, the food and nutritional support program ż proved to be an eye opening experience for me. While working in the food camp, I noticed that the majority of children were nutritionally deficient and suffered from contagious diseases like diarrhea, typhoid fever. I shared these observations with my supervisor and suggested that children should be given a vitamin rich balanced diet. Moreover, based on my understanding on vaccine preventable diseases I suggested that the food handlers should be immunized against typhoid and that teaching sessions on the importance of being hygienic should be conducted so as to prevent the transmission of contagious diseases. I realized that there was a major room for improvement in food preparation, food nutrition and food security
In school, I selected microbiology and food adulteration as my investigatory projects so that I could learn how to conduct food adulteration tests and do hands on training in basic microbiology. After the research, I figured out the relation between food and microbiology. Looking at my keen interest in food microbiology my school teacher organized a field trip to a nearby institute, "SHRIRAM INSTITUTE FOR INDUSTRIAL RESEARCH"where gamma irradiation technique is used to reduce bio-burden and increase shelf life of spices and grains.
Next, I organized another field trip to a small scale food industry," Sunder Cuisine Private Ltd ", which manufactures and markets various types of bread. I observed the process of bread manufacturing, watched the working of the machines and understood the various licensing procedures. I was extremely touched by the fact that the company employed the differently-able people. This exposure helped me in understanding how an industry works in reality.
Because I know about the fact that India is the second largest producer of food in the world, but its share of world's exports is very due to less food storage facilities, new and improved food processing techniques I seriously wish to do something to improve this sad situation. Also ,food crisis is a problem the whole world is facing and I believe the need of the hour is to do some serious research and development to solve the problem. My experiences, interest, training and the goal of helping people has been significant in deciding that I want to study "FOOD SCIENCE"
The lessons and experiences I have had in India are, I believe, the most valuable things I'll bring to Rutgers. I know my belief in the need to help others will make me an asset to the Rutgers community. While taking the advantage of the challenging courses, laboratories and research projects , we will together strive to find solutions to these problems and contribute in the development of society.
Pallack, rest assured your essay answers what the prompt is asking you to do.
However, I have one question, is this how you want to present your prompt, because I found quiet a
lot of modifications that can be done to add strength to your essay.
- the segmented paragraphs will not help your essay at all, it just makes your essay look so crowded
and messy, I suggest merging the paragraphs into full ones and keep it to a maximum of 4 paragraphs,
this way you will maintain the professional presentation of your essay.
- the sentence structure can be enhanced by creating that flow of story that you want your readers to understand.
- more importantly, omit unnecessary information and details that does not really compensate the length of the essay.
I hope my remarks helped.
hey,
thanks for the remarks.
This is the corrected version, please drop in your suggestions :)
"Your experiences shape the person you become and provide insight as to who you want to be in the future"
Ever since I was a very young child, I loved visiting the vaccine manufacturing company, Bio Med Private Ltd., where my father. The exposure to the factory and his work built my fascination with the microbial world. It spawned my interest in Integrated Science, and drove me to select microbiology and food adulteration as investigatory projects. Through these projects, I learned how to conduct food adulteration tests and completed hands on training in basic microbiology. I learned of the close relationship between food and microbiology. Looking at my keen interest in food microbiology my school teacher suggested me to visit a nearby institute, "SHRIRAM INSTITUTE FOR INDUSTRIAL RESEARCH". On my visit I saw the gamma irradiation technique being used to reduce bio-burden and increase shelf life and grains.
Next, I organized another field trip to a small scale food industry," Sunder Cuisine Private Ltd ", which manufactures and markets various types of bread. I observed the process of bread manufacturing, watched the working of the machines and understood the various licensing procedures. I was extremely touched by the fact that the company employed the differently-able people. This exposure gave me and idea of how I could manufacture food at economical rates and also contribute towards the upliftment of the society by creating job opportunities to the differently-able people as well.
Outside of school, I have been involved in many volunteer/service activities. In June 2013, I became a member of BLG Educational and Welfare Society, an NGO working in the field of Education & Literacy, Environment and natural resource management, Health & Nutrition, HIV/AIDS etc. I actively participated in various activities organized under the aegis of this NGO. Of all the camps, the food and nutritional support program proved to be an eye opening experience for me. While working in the food camp, I noticed that the majority of children were nutritionally deficient and suffered from contagious diseases like diarrhea or typhoid fever. I shared these observations with my supervisor and suggested that children should be given a vitamin rich balanced diet. Moreover, based on my understanding on vaccine preventable diseases, I suggested to immunize food handlers against typhoid and to hold education sessions on the importance of being hygienic to prevent the transmission of contagious diseases. I realized that there was major room for improvement in food preparation, food nutrition and food security.
My home country India is the second largest producer of food in the world, but its share of world food exports is comparatively low due to poor food storage facilities and lack of new and improved food processing techniques. I seriously wish to do something to improve this sad situation. Also, food crisis is a problem the whole world is facing and I believe the need of the hour is to do some serious research and development to solve the problem. My experiences, training and the goal of helping people has been significant in deciding that I want to study "FOOD SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY"
The lessons I learned in India, and perhaps most importantly the values I acquired growing up here, are the most valuable qualities I'll bring to Rutgers. I am hard-working, community-minded and motivated. I know my belief in the need to help others will make me an asset to the Rutgers community. While taking the advantage of the challenging courses, laboratories and industrial visits, we will together strive to find solutions to these problems and contribute in the development of society.
Pallak, I'm still not sold with the way how the essay is presented, I'm not sure if this is just how you post it here on EF
but I would put a space in between the paragraphs, this will serve as a breather to your reader and will give them time
to grasp the essay and further comprehend in order to lead them to the message of the incoming paragraph.
Furthermore, below are a few revisions;
- Next, I organized another
- This exposure gave me and idea of how I
- contribute towards the upliftment of the society by creatingalleviate the creation of job opportunities
- to the differently-able people as wellwith special needs .
- Outside of school, I have been involved in many volunteer/service activities.
- My home country, India( don't forget your punctuation marks ) is the
- The lessons I learned in India, and perhaps most importantly the values I acquired growing up here , are the most valuable qualities I'll bring to Rutgers.
There you have it Pallak, I hope my additional remarks helped!
