YALE AND BROWN ESSAY.
Please read it and advice me. Also, suggest me a good title. I'll be happy to help you with yours as well. :)
A shepherd's dream
My fingertip slips slowly, lovingly on their backs. My eyes run passionately over them - how beautiful they are! How many times have I touched them, held them in my hands and in my heart? Countless. Yet, I hesitate. I have to choose one, one only. My hand lingers on them for a tiny last moment, and then finally reaches to embrace my soul mate.
When I run through the pages of "The alchemist", I do not simply wander my eyes along the lines. I live. My soul mate is a shepherd. We have the same ingredients and share the same, simple recipe: mix passion, dreams, and guts, and cook in slow flame for seventeen years. Santiago taught me how arduous and challenging following one's path can be - and how beautifully rewarding nonetheless.
I have a passion and I have a dream. Enchanted by the perfection of life, my mind has always lingered upon question marks that I craved to dissolve. "How do I dream, how am I able to remember?" Infinite obstacles and dilemmas challenge my hunger for answers. Biology and Psychology have not reached this depth of understanding yet, so how will I, a single individual, compose the revolutionizing turn? Besides, my country doesn't offer me the chance to deepen my knowledge in the field I am most passionate about. A Neuroscience major, which I am likely to pursue, is still unfortunately a missing concept in the (name of country) Universities' curriculum. Will I leave everything to follow my dream?
Santiago's path answered my dilemmas. He chose to follow his vision and start his journey. Nothing was easy, on the contrary: he faced thieves, he faced disappointment, he faced the temptation of a comfortable, common life. It is not difficult to fall into these temptations, as he did, but he also found the strength to continue his journey despite the difficulties and the vicissitude he faced in his way. Santiago's journey is, in my eyes, the journey of the soul towards happiness.
I have loved to see that part of Santiago that lies within me and within every other human that has dreams, and wishes for a voice to shout at him/her: "You can make it!". As Coelho says "There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." This book fills me with power, optimism and confidence in taking steps towards my dream. And the amazing thing is that it does this, not by telling me that life and dream fulfillment is easy (Santiago passed through so many difficulties and barriers to achieve happiness), but it makes me strong enough to believe that if I really want, I can. I can win them - the difficulties, the defeats, the temptations, the fear of failure. I can cross the boundaries and find the answers to my questions.
All the raw material to achieve my dream is inside me. Now I need an architect to help me make a masterpiece out of it. I am not afraid to start my journey; I am excited. Because now I understand what William James once said:
"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."
I really think that it is alright but maybe you could have linked the shepherd even more specifically to your life experiences. Although, I do believe that we both need to relax now.It is almost beyond our control to produce something miraculous.
Good Luck. Hope to meet you in 2010 in you know where :)
GUYS PLEASE HELP! THIS IS URGENT, I HAVE TO SUBMIT IT IN A FEW HOURS! ILL HELP YOU AS WELL!
nemesis01: Thank you for reading. I'd absolutely love to meet you in we-both-know-where too!! :)
A few more suggestions, don't forget to look at mine please! =)
We have the same ingredients and share the same, simple recipe: mix passion, dreams, and guts, and cook in slow flame for seventeen years.
Yeah that sounds reall good!
Besides,I think this totally throws off the tone of your essay. Maybe use a different, more formal word my country doesn't offer me the chance to deepen my knowledge in the field I am most passionate about. A Neuroscience major, which I will most likely pursue , is still unfortunately a missing concept in the (name of country) Universities' curriculum. Will I leave everything to follow my dream?
haveunecessary passive tense loved to see that part of Santiago that lies within me and within every other human that has dreams, and wishes for a voice to shout at him/her I liked that you had him before, especially if you're a guy. Either way is grammatically correct. : "You can make it!".
A few things:
---I love the concept (truly). The Alchemist (which, by the way, should be underlined...not in italics) is a fantastic novel, and one of my favorites, so I thoroughly enjoyed it.
---You talk a lot about his journey, and that being what struck the greatest chord with you. Is there any specific part of Santiago's journey which resonated most with you? Citing specific examples generally helps to strengthen an argument, so if you find a place to include that, you definitely should.
You want to make sure that you be a bit more specific about the book before your Admissions officer thinks, "OH! I remember this book!" Once they remember the novel, you're set.
---I know that my edits could come off as a bit...harsh...but I really did enjoy reading it. You're a good writer!
Thank you again for your kind words regarding my essay! I wish you all the best of luck with Brown, Yale, Vassar, and all other schools you'll be applying to! Who knows...maybe we'll meet at one of them! :)
Really good essay!! I enjoyed it a lot.
And the last quote really helps your essay.
I think grammar is not a problem. But you can opt to select some semi colons and transform those to another tool like "-" and that would be it.
Oh. The contraction in "My country doesn't..." I would change that.
Good luck!! I am going to read your other essay.