I would love any thoughts or suggestions.
To show the world that "We Exist" is my vision. Those two words aren't just an acknowledgment that we are alive. To me, these words represent the dream my friends and I share of showing the world what intellectual minorities are really capable of accomplishing. "We Exist," is the slogan for the company Color The Future that my friends and I decided to start up when we were preparing to leave the Summer Math and Science Honors Academy at Stanford University, a five week residential program for minority students who exhibit a special interest in math and science. One of the best features of SMASH was that it it pushed me to learned how to have a wider outlook of the world, beyond what we immediately see, as well as what of an impact a group of scholars with a dream can have on society. Each of the scholars collaborated to create a family and a support system for each other. My dream of Color The Future is to be able to recreate the same supportive and creative environment that I was able to experience at SMASH in order to support others that didn't have the opportunity of attending a similar program. The experience of creating and fundraising to start Color The Future has helped me realize that it is possible to create a "level playing field" for minorities students. Since creating the company, I've begun to think of new ways that I could provide opportunities for those who are apart of Color The Future such as possibly partnering with SMASH to introduce them to new applicants for the program.
Roommate Essay (needs revising)
Dear Future Roommate,
I'm so excited to be able to live with you! While I know that meeting someone new is usually a very awkward encounter I hope that I don't make it even more awkward when you see how eager I am to meet you. I can't wait to go to one of the football games at Stanford Stadium and become a part of one of the craziest crowds in all of football! One thing that you will learn about me quickly is my burning love of sports with the numerous amount of Niners, Warriors, and Giants apparel that I own. While it may seem like those will be the only clothes I have, don't worry I do own other clothes. When you hear yelling from my room it isn't because something terrible has happened it will most likely be my passionate war cry for when my team has scored. It would be my pleasure to take you to the Oracle Arena or "Roaracle" Area as many Warriors' fans call it to join me in the fandom. When I'm not studying or cheering my voice away for the sake of my sports teams I will most likely be at practice for either some sort of singing group, a sports team, or in the dining hall preparing to try a food I've never heard of or can pronounce. I'm open-minded and I love to be introduced to new things and ideas. After we have exhausted our brains for the night from our studies, we can relax with a heated match of Uno or maybe I can share with my love of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop Tarts. While we devour the Pop Tarts, we can watch our favorite movies on Netflix or I can show you my favorite Korean Drama. I hope you don't find my love of the holidays too disturbing or strange when you see the crazy amount of decorations I have put up to make our room seem "festive". Also, as my roommate I hope you don't mind the sudden "great ideas" that I have. For example, my bestfriend and I thought it would be a good idea to try badminton for whatever reason. We thought that because we were fairly large varsity football players badminton wouldn't be a hard sport at all. However, It turned out we were dead wrong. It wasn't that easy for a 200 and 300 lb man to maneuver in half of a court trying to hit a small object with a very small racket without crushing each others foot which happened multiple times. It was very embarrassing to have us furiously wave our rackets to hit the shuttlecock to only hear it hit the ground but all that mattered was that we had fun I suppose. I cannot wait to meet you!
bump. I really need opinions!
I'm not really seeing much of you in this essay. Tell us why it's so important to provide minorities with your program, the struggles that made you so passionate about equaling the playing field. Tell us how you discovered SMASH and how the support system you took from it helped you personally. Connect this idea to what is important to you, what you will take with you to college and beyond.
This essay does a much better job of giving me a sense of who you are! The only thing I would suggest is a little more organization. You jump from your love for sports to your tendency to try new things to your favorite games and films to this sports anecdote again. I know that you want to give your "roommate" as much information about you as possible. However, telling three or four of the most important things about you, then using the essay to elaborate on them, will be a lot more effective.
Okay! Thank you for your help! It is greatly appreciated!
Your roommate essay is nice, kind of quirky, but I assume you want it that way.
At the "yelling from my room" part I suggest some rewording. Changing the my to "our". A few tweaks here and there.
As a black young man, I've faced numerous stereotypes just based on my outward appearance, experiences such as store clerks being extremely cautious of me whenever I enter a store to pedestrians being incredibly wary of walking into me when I'm walking towards them on the sidewalk. I was completely oblivious to it growing up but a few years ago something happened to me that made it clear that there is indeed a great deal of discrimination still going on against me. I clearly remember the morning that I had just been dropped off by my mom to walk to school from a gas station. As I was walking to school I spotted a few of my friends in the distance and caught up with them so that we could embark on our journey to school together. We could overhear the deafening bell that warns students that school will commence in 10 minutes sound, so we began to quicken our pace. We had just turned the corner into the gate when the Principal stopped us to tell us that we were late and that she was going to give us detentions for a week. I was completely astonished by the fact that when she stopped there were students who continually walked by us. When we got to the office, the principal promptly called our parents and told them that we had gotten in trouble because it "looked" like we were up to something. The main issue was obviously that we were a group of black boys; I could tell because when she looked up our academic record she seemed very surprised that we all had good grades. The whole predicament is something that I will remember my whole life because it was an example of misconceptions that I face just being a black male but also work very hard to change with my efforts in school. Going against these common misconceptions matters the most to me because while it may be clichĂŠ there is always so much more to a person that what is on the outside. And that shouldn't be the way that a person should view others.
Being a minority myself, I understand and can relate to the stereotypes you have gone through. I believe the topic of discrimination is unique which you can use to your advantage. Your essay sounds good, but I believe you should talk more about what this experience has made your realize. If I am not mistaken this experience has made you desire to end discrimination. You should focus and emphasize the development you have gone through. Show your vitality and this essay will be golden. Good Luck!!
Mind checking my what matters to me essay. I wrote about the discrimination and societal pressures as well, but I feel I am missing something.